(I work for a company that manufacturers Android devices. The CEO doesn’t know much about his market.)

CEO: “I want to preinstall this software on our Android devices.”

(I check out the software only to find out it is outdated.)

Me: “The software runs on DOS and requires floppy disks to be installed. It also hasn’t been updated for 15 years.”

CEO: “So? Can we have it on our Android devices?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid our devices don’t have a floppy disk reader or DOS…”

(At my office there is a coworker who takes every opportunity to make out how he’s so much better than the rest of us and deserves ‘special’ privileges – which he doesn’t get because he’s also lazy. He’s notorious for complaining about anything another person has that he doesn’t. We are moving to a new office building where there is practically no car parking and all the staff have been informed. I’m disabled and have a permit that lets me use one of the disabled parking bays so I will be parking my car at the new place. He complains to the boss:)

Coworker: “This is discrimination and I’m going to complain!”

Manager: “About what?”

Coworker: “About how my parking space is being taken away from me! I’ve got a parking spot here but not at the new building!”

Manager: “Nobody has a parking space there. Heck, I don’t have a parking space there. We’ve all got to figure out how to get to work now. We’re all in the same boat.”

Coworker: *pointing at me* “So why does SHE get a parking spot, then? This is discrimination!”

Manager: “…She’s got disabled parking.”

Coworker: “Then I demand it, too!”

Manager: “Are you disabled?”

Coworker: “No, but why does she get special treatment that I don’t get?”

Manager: “…Because she’s disabled?”

Coworker: “I DEMAND the same privileges!”

Manager: “Then go get yourself in the same kind of car accident that smashed her up and we’ll talk.”

(This is my first office job, and whilst the office is generally staffed by middle aged ladies, they’ve recently employed quite a few of us “youths” to try and energise the business, apparently. This discussion takes place between I and two coworkers, all aged 19.)

Coworker #1: “Ugh, I don’t understand this client email. What does ambiguous mean?”

Coworker #2: “Isn’t that them animals that can breathe underwater?”

(We are having a new voicemail system installed. Someone from IT is checking that the new system works on each computer. Voicemails are notified to us through email and I, rather stupidly, deleted the test voicemail that has been sent to me so the IT Tech calls and leaves a message from someone else’s phone. The notification email doesn’t appear for over five minutes.)

IT Tech: “Okay, I’m noting down that your system is suffering a delay in notifying you that you’ve got a voicemail. Now, could I ask you to monitor it? Let us know if it takes over a minute to tell you that you have a voicemail.”

Me: “Um… without wanting to sound stupid, if I’m not at my desk when someone calls and they leave me a voicemail, how will I know that the email’s delayed?”

IT Tech: “Because… good point. Let’s think of something else…”

(I’m walking to a meeting on another floor of my building, and two coworkers I don’t know are a few steps ahead of me.)

Coworker #1: *deep, exhausted-sounding sigh*

Coworker #2: “So are you stressed because it’s the end of the month or stressed because it’s almost the beginning of another month?”

Coworker #1: “A bit of both. My team has a lot of end-of-month reporting that has to get done, but a lot of new stuff kicks off at the beginning of each new month.”

Coworker #2: “Eesh. That sounds like a rough few days.”

Coworker #1: “Actually, it lasts a little longer than that. I’d say, hmm, the first two weeks of the month are stressful, and then the last two weeks of the month are stressful.”

Coworker #2: “…That’s the whole month.”

Coworker #1: *stops dead in her tracks and goes really wide-eyed* “Oh, my god. You’re right.”