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Stop Trucking Swearing

| Right | February 25, 2013

(I am working as a desk worker for a vehicle impound company. I have a male coworker who stays in the office to keep me safe and to actually go and get the cars, so that I stay safely behind the wall.)

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you?”

Customer: *angrily* “Yeah, I’m here to get my truck you stole.”

Me: “Alright, I just need the vehicle information. VIN number, make, model, and color.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s [VIN number].”

Me: “Alright, here it is.”

(I print out the statement of charges and take them to the window.)

Me: “So, here’s a breakdown of your charges: your total is [price], and I’ll need to see proof of ownership and a photo ID.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I’m not paying that! This is bulls***! You guys f***ing stole my truck, and you expect me to pay to get it back?!”

Me: “Sir, I must ask you to refrain from swearing at me. It says here your car was towed because your registration expired over a year ago. I’m sorry, but I can’t release your vehicle to you without this fee.”

Customer: “F*** you! How the f*** do you expect people to afford this s***?!”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. If you can’t afford it today, I have to inform you that it’ll continue to go up by [cost] every day until you can.”

(At this point, he lunges through the iron bars and grabs my wrist. My male coworker jumps up, but I manage to pull away. The man takes off out of the office. My coworker watches him out of the window.)

Coworker: “If he comes back, stand back a little. He does that again, just duck.”

(Sure enough, the customer comes back about an hour later. He seems calmer, but my coworker still stands up and grabs one of the many baseball bats he keeps throughout the office building. He stands off to the left of the window, out of sight of the man.)

Customer: “Alright, how f***ing much is it again?”

Me: “Sir, please refrain from swearing. Here’s your price breakdown.”

(I hand him the statement and he looks over it, getting more agitated.)

Customer: “What the f*** does all this s*** mean? You motherf***ers are trying to rob me blind! No one could afford this! You’re all a bunch of f***ing* thieves!”

(At this point, he reaches through the bars again, almost touching his face to the bars. I jump back, and my coworker swings the titanium bat, smacking against the bars and making a horrendous ringing sound.)

Coworker: “You get out—now! Or next time, it’ll be your head!”

Customer: *reeling* “Oh yeah, tough guy?! Come on out here and say that!”

(My coworker heads for the door separating the office from the customer area. As he opens it, the customer sees my coworker, all 6’1″, 250 lbs of pure muscle that he is, and takes off out the door, into the car with whoever was driving him, and they peel out of the parking lot. As far as I know, he never came back for his truck.)

Fighting Hire With Fire, Part 4

| Working | February 24, 2013

(A guy walks into our road construction company’s office and approaches my receptionist desk. Note: our HR manager is busy giving an orientation.)

Guy: “Do you guys sell salt and sand here?”

Me: “Yes we do, but the fellow who deals with sand sales is out of the office right now. I could give you his cell number or email if you like?”

Guy: “Nah, that’s okay.”

(Instead of leaving, the guy stands in the entryway staring at me.)

Me: “Umm… is there something else?”

Guy: “Yeah, you guys hiring loader operators?”

Me: “Not at this time, I’m afraid. It’s still our slow season. We don’t expect to be hiring for another month or two, depending on the weather.”

Guy: “I’m a really good loaderman! You guys would be a lot better off with me.”

Me: “I’m sure we would; however, as I said, we have no availabilities at this time. If you’d like, you can drop off your resume with me, or email it to our HR so we have it on file for when we are looking.”

Guy: “Can I talk to your HR?”

Me: “She’s unavailable for the day, I’m afraid. But, like I said, I can pass on your resume to her or you can email it to her.”

Guy: “No, that’s okay. I’ll wait.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you will be waiting for a long time. She’s busy right up to office close today.”


(After 20 minutes of him standing in the same place, staring at me uncomfortably, I decide to call the Safety Manager who occasionally fills in for HR. I explain the situation and he comes up to talk to the guy.)

Safety Manager: “Hi, [my name] tells me you want to drop off your resume. I’d be happy to take it from you!”

Guy: *looks at me* “You said HR was a girl.”

Safety Manager: “I’m sorry but our HR is busy today. I’m filling in for her.”


(At this point, the safety manager looks at me like he’s at a loss and disappears to the orientation room, returning a few moments later with HR.)

HR Manager: “Hi, I’ve been told you have something important for me?”

Guy: “HERE!” *tosses his resume at her and leaves*

HR Manager: “What was that?!”

Me: “I’m so sorry…”


Stupid In Any Language, Part 2

| Working | February 22, 2013

(I have recently adopted two children from Guatemala.)

Boss: “Are you enjoying being a new parent?”

Me: “I love it, but it’s a lot of work with two babies at home.”

Boss: “When will you start taking Spanish lessons?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Why?”

Boss: “Well, you want to be able to communicate with your children when they grow up, don’t you?”

Me: *mouth gaping open* “Um… I need to go to the restroom…”


Brain Is Currently Offline, Part 3

| Working | February 21, 2013

(It’s first thing in the morning and I’m trying to log onto to our company website to start work. I see that our internet connection is down.)

Me: “Is your internet working?”

Coworker: “Yes. It’s working fine.”

(I go into his office to see him playing desktop Solitaire.)

Me: “You can get on the internet?”

Coworker: “Yeah, it’s working fine.”

Me: “Not your computer, the internet. That’s just a game; you don’t need internet to play that.”

Coworker: *points at the computer tower* “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This whole thing is the internet, and it’s working.”

Me:“No, it’s not, that’s a computer. Try to check MSN or something.”

Coworker: “I don’t need to, because my internet…” *points to the tower again* “…is ON. It’s working FINE.”

(I reboot our router and fix the problem. Only now, I’m wondering how to fix my coworker…)

A Higher Hire

| Working | February 17, 2013

Coworker: “I’m into these herbal supplements lately. It is not drugs or anything, but they really give me a boost and get me more focused.”

Me: “Um, no drugs?”

Coworker: “Yeah, just Chinese herbs. It can’t be drugs; it is all herbal and all.”

Me: “Sure… remind me: what are opium and marijuana made from?”