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Courtshipping With Disaster

| Working | March 3, 2013

(I am a female with very long hair. However at work, I keep it tied up in a bun. This occurs on a coworker’s first day at lunch time while I am re-tying my hair.)

Coworker: “Holy ****, you’re a GIRL?!”

Me: “You didn’t guess from [my very feminine name]?”

Coworker: “You just look really manly without hair.”

(A few minutes pass…)

Coworker: “So… are you single?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.” *shows him my engagement ring*

Coworker: “Come on, you can have a bit of fun before you’re tied down! Let’s go out for a drink later!”

Me: “So, ten minutes ago you thought I was a man, and now you’re asking me to cheat on my fiancé? Wow, you work quickly.”

(Thankfully, he hasn’t spoken a word to me since.)

The Cord May Be Plugged In, But The Brain Is Unplugged

| Working | March 2, 2013

(My brother is working very late on the computer. The cleaning lady comes in and a second later his computer turns off. She has taken out the plug to put in her vacuum cleaner.)

My Brother: “Hey, why did you pull my plug out?”

Cleaning Lady: “Vacuum cord doesn’t reach from out there. I do it every time and I always put it back in.”

Brother: “But I was never in here using the computer when you did it.”

Cleaning Lady: “Oops.”

A Rant He Can’t Recant

| Working | February 28, 2013

(My manager has always hated the general manager with a passion for some reason. He never lets the opportunity go to verbally bash him behind his back, especially to me. On this day, he sees his computer is out of order.)

Manager: “What the F***! How many times have I asked the GM to fix this! He is nothing! But! A! Piece! Of! S***! C***sucker! A**hole!”

(I roll my eyes and ignore him as he goes off on a tirade about how worthless the GM is. At that moment, the GM himself walks in from the back. He stands there, out of sight by my manager. I try to signal to my manager, but he is ranting at the tops of his lungs that he doesn’t see.)

Manager: “#$*@#&@!”

General Manager: “Excuse me.”

Manager: *shuts up*

General Manager: “Right now I have to do something, but I want you in my office when I get back in 15 minutes. We have to TALK.” *leaves*

Manager: *to me* “Why didn’t you say something to me?!”

Me: “I tried!”

(Somehow, the manager didn’t get fired even though the GM clearly heard his insults. He got written up though. All day, he blamed me, for not telling him the GM was standing there! Since then, though, I’ve never heard a hate filled rant ever again.)

Back To Fun-duh-mentals

| Working | February 26, 2013

Supplier: “We haven’t gotten paid for [Customer]’s time.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Can you tell me who the customer’s company is, so I can connect you with the analyst who handles that account?”

Supplier: “[Supplier Name].”

Me: “No, that’s you. Where was the work being done?”

Supplier: “[My Company Name].”

Me: “Okay… that’s us. Where did [Customer] perform his job?”

Supplier: “[Supplier Name].”

Me: “There are three parties in this relationship. There’s our company, and your company, and…?”

Supplier: “[My Company Name]?”

Me: “Okay. [Customer] gets out of bed in the morning. He brushes his teeth, takes a shower, gets dressed, drinks a glass of orange juice, gets into his car, and drives to a work site. Where. Does. He. Go?”

Supplier: “Oh! [Customer’s Company]!”

Never A Dual Moment

| Working | February 26, 2013

(I’m working as an assistant for a manufacturing company. My coworker and I are working on the same assignment on the computer, but I’ve finished before her.)

Coworker: “Hey you finished really quick! This is taking me forever!”

(I look over at her computer. I notice she is maximizing and minimizing a window to go back and forth between two programs.)

Me: “Um… you realize you have two monitors, right?”

Coworker: “…Well, don’t I feel stupid.”