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Health Condition: Impossible

| Working | October 13, 2012

(I am a data entry person who works the 4-12 shift. One day on my way to work, I become suddenly and violently ill in horrible pain. I end up in the ER and eventually am admitted to the hospital overnight. While on the gurney in the ER, I ask the nurse to call my boss.)

Me: “Here’s my boss’s number at work. Would you call and tell her I am in the hospital and won’t be in to work today?”

Nurse:  “Okay.”

(The next day, I am released from the hospital after recovering from a kidney stone attack. I am told to take it easy for a few days and come back if I have any further problems.)

Me: *calling boss on phone* “Alice, did you get the phone call yesterday about being sick?”

Alice: “No.”

Me: “I got really sick and had to go to the ER yesterday afternoon. I was admitted to the hospital for further testing and observation but was released today. While in the ER, I gave a nurse your phone number and asked her to call to tell you I was sick. No one from the hospital called you?”

Alice: “No one called.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that. Anyway, they ruled out appendicitis and a few other really serious things. They think I had a kidney stone attack based on the severity and location of the pain. I was told to take the rest of the week off from work, but I should be back next week.”

Alice: “Okay…”

(Fast forward a few months to my periodic employee review.)

Alice: “Well, you are an excellent worker. Your speed and accuracy are among the top in the office. You finished your training in two days when most people take two weeks. You are always punctual for work and always work overtime when I ask. I noted that when you had to take a day off to attend your college roommate’s wedding, you worked an extra day shift to make up for it. You’ve also done a great job as the nighttime first aid person. However, I can only give you the minimum raise because I had to write you up for an unexcused absence.”

Me: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Alice: “There was that time you were absent but didn’t call in sick.”

Me: “Alice, I was in the ER at the hospital on a gurney with an IV in my arm in panic and fear and excruciating pain, not knowing if I had appendicitis. Even in my pain and fear, I asked a nurse to call you to let you know I wouldn’t be in. I can’t help it that she didn’t call. Still, I called you the next day as soon as I got released from the hospital.”

Alice: “It doesn’t matter. You should have called me personally to let me know you wouldn’t be in to work!”

Abject-Oriented Programming

| Working | October 12, 2012

(Note: I am the only programmer in an office full of graphic designers. A few of my colleagues understand programming, but my boss REALLY doesn’t. He often gives me ridiculous deadlines, but for once I am given a whole 3 weeks to make a complex program.)

Boss: “[My name], the presentation has moved to this friday lunchtime.”

Me: “What?! I wont even have a prototype available this week!”

Boss: “You will or you’ll be out of a job. Jeez, how hard can it be? You’re just typing!”

Me: “I’m… what?”

Boss: “You’re just typing! Everyone else around here has to do crazy graphic stuff… now that looks complex. You just need a copy of Office and you’re set.”

Me: “You can’t use Office for pro—”

(At this point, one of my colleagues interrupts.)

Coworker: *to my boss* “Are you being serious? You only told him about the program this morning!”

Boss: “And he should be able to do it in a week!”

Coworker: “Look, I know a little bit of programming, not enough to build it or anything, but it takes ages to make stuff like that! Give him a break, eh?”

Boss: “You’re just nerds! Nerds and geeks! All nerds stick together… oh yeah, sure!”

Me: “I… what?”

Boss: “You’re just trying to make me look bad! Have that d*** program ready for me within a week!”

Me: “Actually, I have a month of holiday left, and according to my contract I have to use it all if I leave. I’m handing in my 30 days notice. I wont be coming in tomorrow!”

Boss: *gets mad and leaves the room*

(I did indeed hand in my notice, and went in the following week for a goodbye party, which my boss conveniently forgot to attend. However, they now outsource all their programming to me anyway, and I work from home and charge twice as much!)

The World’s Oldest Unprofessional

| Working | October 12, 2012

(At the flooring company where I work, my coworker has a desk near Personnel and therefore has to open the door for visitors. One day, a woman shows up outside looking for a job.)

Woman: “I was wondering if you had any jobs available?”

Coworker: “Well, we have a list online.”

Woman: “I don’t have access to a computer. Can’t you just tell me?”

(It’s not my coworker’s job to do so, but she lists jobs in the plant, including packers.)

Woman: “What’s a packer?”

Coworker: “They pack boxes for shipping.”

Woman: “I can do that! Give me an application!”

(The woman proceeds to sit in the Personnel area for almost an hour, filling out the app while engaging everyone who comes near her in conversations about inappropriate subjects. Finally, she hands her application to my coworker.)

Woman: “Do you think I’ll get a job?”

Coworker: “I’m not sure.”

Woman: “I hope so. Otherwise I might need to start stealing cars and selling myself on the street!”

Infinitely Loopy, Part 3

| Working | October 11, 2012

(My dad has just started in a new office. This happens on his first day.)

Coworker: “You need two passwords for your computer. One’s to log onto the computer, and the other’s to access email.”

My Dad: “But I was only given the log-on password. Where’s the email one?”

Coworker: “It’ll be emailed to you.”

My Dad: “They’ll email me the password I need to access my emails?”

Coworker: *oblivious* “Yep!”

 

Giving Customer Service A Bad Name, Part 2

| Working | October 9, 2012

(I work in human resources. I have to call our insurer because one of the employees needs a letter stating that she holds an insurance policy. The coworker in question is a lesbian; everyone at work knows and has had zero problems with it.)

Call Center Agent: “[Coworker’s name]… what a weird name for a man!”

Me: “That’s because she’s a female, sir.”

Call Center Agent: “But I see here on her file that is says ‘Spouse: [her long-term girlfriend’s name]’. That’s a female name, too!”

Me: “Yes, sir. They are both female.”

Call Center Agent: “But it says the spouse is female! So, there must be a mistake. I’ll change the gender on file right away.”

Me: “Sir, you work in insurance. So, you are aware that same-sex couples are entitled common-law benefits since 1999, and are allowed to get married since 2004. Now could you please send HER the letter at [address]?”

Call Center Agent: “Sure thing! I’ll send the letter to Mr. [name].”

Me: *dies a little inside*