(I’m working as the executive admin for a three-year-old company that has grown very quickly to be international. There’s a VVIP group coming in for a few days to meet with the executive team and I’ve been asked to coordinate meals.)

Me: “Since they’re going to be here early in the morning, do you want me to have breakfast catered? There are several places nearby that do breakfast catering and they’re pretty good.”

Executive: “That’s not necessary. We’ll really just want something quick and easy every morning. Could you pick up something on your way in? Don’t do donuts, they’re too unhealthy, but some healthy pastries would be great.”

Me: “Um… healthy pastries?”

Executive: “Yes, that would be great!”

(The next morning I stopped and got bagels from a gourmet bagel place because they were the healthiest pastry I could think of. I was pulled aside by the executive later that day.)

Executive: “Why did you bring bagels? I said healthy pastries!”

Me: “I honestly can’t think of any tasty pastries that are healthy.”

Executive: “They’re out there! Tomorrow make sure we have them!”

(The next day I went to a European bakery on my way into the office and picked up a dozen beautiful, buttery, gourmet pastries. The same executive came up to me later that day.)

Executive: “Those pastries were perfect! I told you that you could figure something out!”

Me: “Those were definitely NOT healthy.”

Executive: “They were what I was talking about though, so keep that place in mind for next time!”

(My coworkers and I are all female and they’re reading a clothing magazine that has recently been pushing for models of different sizes. I overhear the following conversation:)

Coworker #1: “Wow, look at her! She looks great for her age.”

Coworker #2: “Yes and look here, she’s a bit larger but she looks stunning.”

Coworker #1: “It’s so good to see real women finally represented; guys should really learn to appreciate them for who they are.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it shouldn’t matter what you look like. It’s how you feel and what’s inside. They should ban all unrealistic body sizes outright!”

(I think nothing of it until I overhear another conversation later on in the day. My coworkers have reached the men’s section of the magazine.)

Coworker #1: “Wow! I like very much!”

Coworker #2: “Yes, look at him. My type: thin, abs, tanned, great hair. Mmm!”

(They turn over several pages of similar looking men that fit this description.)

Me: “Hey, do you think they should increase diversity among male models? You know, more realistic body sizes and different figures.”

(They both look at me like I’m mad.)

Coworker #1: “What? No! Eww, I don’t want to look at fat, ugly guys at all. Why would you suggest that?”

Coworker #2: “Are your standards like, really low? Why would you want that in your magazines?”

Me: “But, you said about the women…”

Coworker #2: *rolls eyes* “Ugh, you clearly don’t understand…”

(I clearly don’t… sometimes I wonder about all these double standards.)

(This morning, a coworker has brought in a large pot of coffee to share with everyone. It’s now afternoon, and the leftover coffee is no longer hot. Coworker #1 is complaining about the cold coffee.)

Coworker #2: “You could always make iced coffee.”

Coworker #1: “Like… with ice?”

Coworker #2: “Yes? What do you usually put in iced coffee?”

Coworker #1: “…bourbon?”

(I create a report for my manager every week covering the previous week. I leave it on his desk or on his keyboard, in full view, every Monday morning before he arrives. In the last couple of months, however, he has gotten lax in his organisation, and as a result, loses track of them and asks me for them as though I haven’t done them. I always reply with “On your desk,” which usually satisfies him. I’m called to his very messy office one morning. As I walk in, there are three others with him, one of which is my manager’s director.)

Manager: “Sit down, [My Name].”

Me: *while moving several of my reports off a chair and sitting down* “What’s this about?”

Manager: “Well, we have been discussing your lack of cooperation as of late.”

Me: “Okay, how?”

Manager: “Specifically, [Report]. Now, you know that this report is very important to me, and I need it first thing Monday morning—”

Me: “Which I have produced consistently since I designed it, two years ago.”

Manager: “…I haven’t seen it in three months. All you have said is—”

Me: “It’s on your desk. In fact I just put the one I made yesterday on the floor so I could sit down.”

(I pick it up and present it. My manager looks through it and starts to blush. The director then takes it.)

Director: “You were just lambasting him for something that has been in this office for 24 hours? You needed this for your meeting yesterday, and it was readily available! [My Name], I want you to find the last three months of reports, if you can.”

(I set to work and after 20 minutes I finally find all of the missing reports. My manager and director just stare at them.)

Director: “[Manager], you have been blaming [My Name] for weeks, and all this time…”

(He then got up and left, followed by the other directors. My manager just told me to go and that was the last I saw of him. I learned from HR that he went on sick leave due to stress and depression, and eventually quit. I was offered his job, but after realising he was crumbling with no support from anyone, much less that director, I quit as well. No job is worth that.)

(My coworker tried to warm up an egg in the microwave, not realising the egg would explode. We laughed about it and moved on. An hour later I realised something…)

Me: “Hey… hey, [Coworker]? Your egg… it eggsploded.”