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Abject-Oriented Programming

| Working | October 12, 2012

(Note: I am the only programmer in an office full of graphic designers. A few of my colleagues understand programming, but my boss REALLY doesn’t. He often gives me ridiculous deadlines, but for once I am given a whole 3 weeks to make a complex program.)

Boss: “[My name], the presentation has moved to this friday lunchtime.”

Me: “What?! I wont even have a prototype available this week!”

Boss: “You will or you’ll be out of a job. Jeez, how hard can it be? You’re just typing!”

Me: “I’m… what?”

Boss: “You’re just typing! Everyone else around here has to do crazy graphic stuff… now that looks complex. You just need a copy of Office and you’re set.”

Me: “You can’t use Office for pro—”

(At this point, one of my colleagues interrupts.)

Coworker: *to my boss* “Are you being serious? You only told him about the program this morning!”

Boss: “And he should be able to do it in a week!”

Coworker: “Look, I know a little bit of programming, not enough to build it or anything, but it takes ages to make stuff like that! Give him a break, eh?”

Boss: “You’re just nerds! Nerds and geeks! All nerds stick together… oh yeah, sure!”

Me: “I… what?”

Boss: “You’re just trying to make me look bad! Have that d*** program ready for me within a week!”

Me: “Actually, I have a month of holiday left, and according to my contract I have to use it all if I leave. I’m handing in my 30 days notice. I wont be coming in tomorrow!”

Boss: *gets mad and leaves the room*

(I did indeed hand in my notice, and went in the following week for a goodbye party, which my boss conveniently forgot to attend. However, they now outsource all their programming to me anyway, and I work from home and charge twice as much!)

The World’s Oldest Unprofessional

| Working | October 12, 2012

(At the flooring company where I work, my coworker has a desk near Personnel and therefore has to open the door for visitors. One day, a woman shows up outside looking for a job.)

Woman: “I was wondering if you had any jobs available?”

Coworker: “Well, we have a list online.”

Woman: “I don’t have access to a computer. Can’t you just tell me?”

(It’s not my coworker’s job to do so, but she lists jobs in the plant, including packers.)

Woman: “What’s a packer?”

Coworker: “They pack boxes for shipping.”

Woman: “I can do that! Give me an application!”

(The woman proceeds to sit in the Personnel area for almost an hour, filling out the app while engaging everyone who comes near her in conversations about inappropriate subjects. Finally, she hands her application to my coworker.)

Woman: “Do you think I’ll get a job?”

Coworker: “I’m not sure.”

Woman: “I hope so. Otherwise I might need to start stealing cars and selling myself on the street!”

Infinitely Loopy, Part 3

| Working | October 11, 2012

(My dad has just started in a new office. This happens on his first day.)

Coworker: “You need two passwords for your computer. One’s to log onto the computer, and the other’s to access email.”

My Dad: “But I was only given the log-on password. Where’s the email one?”

Coworker: “It’ll be emailed to you.”

My Dad: “They’ll email me the password I need to access my emails?”

Coworker: *oblivious* “Yep!”


Giving Customer Service A Bad Name, Part 2

| Working | October 9, 2012

(I work in human resources. I have to call our insurer because one of the employees needs a letter stating that she holds an insurance policy. The coworker in question is a lesbian; everyone at work knows and has had zero problems with it.)

Call Center Agent: “[Coworker’s name]… what a weird name for a man!”

Me: “That’s because she’s a female, sir.”

Call Center Agent: “But I see here on her file that is says ‘Spouse: [her long-term girlfriend’s name]’. That’s a female name, too!”

Me: “Yes, sir. They are both female.”

Call Center Agent: “But it says the spouse is female! So, there must be a mistake. I’ll change the gender on file right away.”

Me: “Sir, you work in insurance. So, you are aware that same-sex couples are entitled common-law benefits since 1999, and are allowed to get married since 2004. Now could you please send HER the letter at [address]?”

Call Center Agent: “Sure thing! I’ll send the letter to Mr. [name].”

Me: *dies a little inside*


It’d Be A Marvel If They Did

| Working | October 7, 2012

Me: “Did you go see The Avengers this weekend?”

Coworker: “Yeah, it was okay.”

Me: “You thought it was just okay? It was great!”

Coworker: “Meh… you know what would really be great in superhero movies?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “I mean, I like all those superheroes, but it would have been better if the Avengers had teamed up with, like, Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman. How come they haven’t done that yet?”