The client here is an office ward of a big city in Japan.

Client: “Could you do this pamphlet translation? How much will it cost?”

Me: “Yes. It will cost [amount] per character.”

Client: “Our budget is very small. Can you do it for [smaller amount] per character?”

Yeah, yeah, I know. You have the money, but you don’t want to give it to freelance translators who are working on their sofas while watching TV.

Me: “Okay. As it is the first time I’m working with you, I’ll accept this time — and this time only.”

Client: “By the way, after the translation, you also have to check the pamphlet for layout problems.”

Me: “Fine, but that will cost additional fees. It’s not included in the translation work.”

Client: “If your translation has to be revised, will that cost fees, as well?”

In Japan, there is always someone in the office who likes to “revise” translations — or, in other words, “mess it up”.

Me: “If there is a problem with my translation, no. But if someone in your office revises correct parts of my translation, I will charge you to retranslate, yes.”

Client: “Okay, thank you.”

Me: “Does that mean I’m hired, or…?”

Radio silence. Good riddance.

Some years ago, I was working in a minor management position in the Civil Service. I was about to go on maternity leave for six months. My assistant manager was covering part of my duties, and the company had brought in a temp to cover the rest. I was to spend a week training her before I took off.

My department had quite a relaxed atmosphere; I’m one of those bosses who are happy for people to chat and socialise a little as long as all the work is completed first. We were a small team and relatively close, and everyone went out of their way to make the temp feel welcome.

She had only been in the office for around four hours, training with me to use our computer system, when she complained that she had a headache and wanted to go out and buy some painkillers. I suggested that she take her lunch break, pick up the tablets she wanted, and get some fresh air away from the screen.

She went off… and never returned! The company contacted the temp agency later and was given the feedback that I seemed too happy and positive, and she didn’t want to work in a place like that. Personally, I wouldn’t want to work in a place that wasn’t like that…

The company I work for has tried to do various fun activities for the employees over the years. Some have worked better than others. Several years ago, they decided to do an Easter egg hunt in the parking lot. Our parking lot is a large rectangle with plenty of landscaping to hide eggs. The eggs could contain candy, one- or five-dollar bills, or gift cards to nearby stores.

They had us all in the middle of the parking lot. We were told there were no eggs on or under anyone’s cars so not to bother looking there. Then, they told us to go, and everyone took off, running and sometimes screaming in excitement. Not being particularly athletically inclined, I decided to simply stroll around and see what I could find without getting too worked up about it.

I headed toward one end of the parking lot and spotted a pink egg under a large bush with big pink flowers. Several people ran past me and past the bush, but none of them noticed it before I reached it. I was pleased that I’d found at least one. Looking around again, I spotted a green egg under a leafy, green bush. I walked over calmly and retrieved it, as well. Again, several people ran by me before I reached it and none of them noticed.

In the end, as I walked all the way around the lot, I ended up with four eggs and some people had none. The admin people were counting them all up and announced that they had all been found. Some people congratulated me, but a few people glared at me and muttered that there should be a limit to how many anyone was allowed to take. I just ignored them. If there was a limit, I would have obeyed it, but there wasn’t one. I ended up with a handful of candy, six dollars, and a gift card to a restaurant down the street.

The next year, they changed it. They hid eggs around the building in the non-work areas, but the signs said specifically to only take one per person as they wanted to make sure there were enough for all three shifts. Also, there was only candy in these eggs. I got my one egg and was perfectly fine, but I heard that some people never got theirs because people were ignoring the signs and taking more than one.

[Coworker #1] has the ability to just suddenly focus on a task with the level of intensity usually reserved for the special interest of someone with ADHD. The rest of us don’t know how she does it, but she can take the driest, most boring piece of work — which even she agrees is boring — and then just pore through it at a micro-level without any pause or distraction. Rumour has it the fire alarm once went off and she didn’t notice.

Meanwhile, [Coworker #2] is a typical Entitled Jerk.

Coworker #2: “I can’t believe the [Sandwich Shop] staff across the road. Did you know they tried to refuse to let me have [fancy cheese] in their ham special? The counter girl tried to tell me some nonsense about it no longer being part of the special. I order that sandwich every day! I know it’s allowed! I bet she was hoping to just pocket the extra, too—”

Me: “But, the sandwich specials only allow for the normal cheeses. The [fancy cheese] has always been extra; it says so right on the billboard.”

Coworker #2: “No, it does not! Anyway, I didn’t let her get away with it. I told the manager about her. I marched right up to him and told him what she was doing, and I told him, ‘The customer is always right,’ and then he—”

Coworker #1: “…about what they wish to purchase.”

Coworker #2: “What?”

[Coworker #1] does not look up from the document she is reading at any point.

Coworker #1: “The customer is never wrong about what they wish to purchase. Jeff Toister was referring to supply and demand and ensuring that businesses were supplying products that were in demand, not salesperson behaviour. The cheese was available, so the social obligation was met. Price is not applicable.”

Coworker #2: “Well, I—”

Coworker #1: “Please shut up now. You’re wrong, you’re a b****, and no one cares.”

Coworker #2: “You can’t speak to me like that! That’s a hostile work environment, and—”

Coworker #1: *Turning a page* “No one will ever believe you.”

At this, [Coworker #2] explodes. People in other offices poke their heads in to see who is yelling and see [Coworker #2] red-faced and raving while I watch with bug eyes and [Coworker #1] ignores [Coworker #2] entirely.

Our manager comes in.

Manager: “All right, all right, stop this right now. What’s going on here? [Coworker #1]?”

Coworker #1: *Still reading* “Mmm?”

Manager: “[Coworker #1]! What’s going on?”

Coworker #1: *Looking up* “Oh, sorry, what? I don’t think I was paying attention. [My Name], you and [Coworker #2] were talking about something?”

Me: “…I have no idea. [Coworker #2] asked [Coworker #1] something, and I got distracted for a second, and then she was yelling.”

Coworker #1: “Oh. Sorry, [Coworker #2], I wasn’t listening. What did you say?”

[Coworker #2] got reprimanded. [Coworker #1] got thanked for finishing a critical legal review early. And I am now very afraid of her.

Client: “So, just so you know… our payroll team here is quite slow.”

Me: “Okay. How does that impact my work for you?”

Client: “Well, it just means that we may not be able to pay you straight away.”

Me: “That’s okay. Your accounts team should pay my invoice directly, so there’s no need for payroll to get involved.”

Client: “No! We can’t do that! Accounts are only for physical things, like computers and paper. You’re a human and you’re providing us with a resource, which means it has to go through Human Resources and payroll. Don’t worry. You will get paid. They’re just slow. It may take two or three months before the first paycheck comes around.”

Me: “I’m not an employee here; I’m a contractor. My invoice terms are clear, and if you’re not able to abide by them, then we don’t have a deal.”

After some back-and-forth, I decide not to proceed with our arrangement.

Client: “If you walk away from our agreement, that’s illegal. I can call the police on two counts: firstly, for breaking a legally binding contract, and secondly, for asking us to pay you off the books.”

I walked away from the deal. Never heard from the police, either.