This Conversation Has Gone To The Dogs

, , , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(I’ve dropped by work while on maternity to talk about coming back on a part-time basis. I catch up with my manager first, and we have been talking about my son for nearly half an hour.)

Me: “He’s been a bit grouchy lately. My doctor thinks the formula I’m using might be upsetting his stomach.”

Manager: “You should just castrate him. That usually does the trick.”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Oh, I’d love to, but I don’t think childhood castration is legal.”

Manager: “Oh, I thought you were talking about your dog.”

(I don’t have a dog, and the conversation up to that point had been exclusively about my son…)

Totalivegitarianism

, , , | Working | September 2, 2017

(Our office has a meeting scheduled, and the receptionist is in charge of ordering lunch.)

Receptionist: “Can you please choose what you want on your pizza?”

Me: “Can you get me some wings instead?”

Receptionist: “Well, I’m not ordering individual meals for everyone, that is why we are doing pizza.”

Me: “Okay, how about [option #1]?”

Receptionist: “Oh, no, I don’t think enough people will like that. We have to think about what everyone wants to eat. It’s not just about you or me.”

Me: “All right, I am good with any of the toppings, just no onion, pepper or olives.”

Receptionist: “Oh, I just need to know what most people will want to eat. It’s just so hard to decide.”

(Day of the meeting:)

Receptionist: “I ordered five pizzas; these three are vegetarian.”

(Guess who was the one and only vegetarian out of the entire office? “Not about her and individual needs,” my butt!)

Chester Bennington Was His Grandma

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

Me: “Where is [Worker]? He hasn’t signed in for the early shift?”

Manager: “He came to me yesterday saying his grandmother had died. He said he needed to take today off for the funeral. He promised he would be back tomorrow.”

Me: “Which grandmother?”

Manager: “With it being such a sensitive topic, I didn’t want to pry.”

Me: “His mother’s grandmothers are in the store right now. I just caught up with them as I came in. His father’s grandmother lives in Australia, so unless I’ve just met the Messiah, I very much doubt he’s going to a funeral in Australia and has the time to be back tomorrow morning.”

(The manager blushes and starts making some phone calls.)

Manager: “I can’t get through to him.”

(I searched the store and found his grandmothers. They told me he traveled south for a get-together with friends. They weren’t too impressed when I told them about his story, and  they agreed to phone him. They assured me he’d be back up the next day with a written apology. He handed both myself and the other manager an apology, and did seem genuinely sympathetic. While he left, I noticed a new tattoo on his arm of Linkin Park’s logo, with the weekend’s date underneath. Seems like it was probably more than just a get-together, but to claim a family member had died…)

Coffee For The Masses

, , , | Working | August 31, 2017

(I work on reception in an office located in one of England’s industrial estates, where there are few nearby shops. Twice a day, a coffee van drives past my work to sell snacks, and I go out every morning for a caffeine fix. One morning, an executive director walks past my desk and starts handing me some money.)

Director: “I’m going into a meeting with the other executive directors for a couple of hours. Can you get me [four coffees].”

Me: “No worries; [Coffee Guy] should be here any minute.”

Director: “How much will that be?”

Me: “No more than £10, probably.”

Director: “Here’s £15, and get one for yourself.”

Me: “Thank you! Are you sure?”

Director: “Of course. It’s not your job to get me coffee.”

(Almost everyone in my office is lovely. To have the directors respecting everyone in the building – even “lower” [for lack of a better word] people and people in completely different departments – just reminds me what a great job I have.)

Making A Bald Return To The Office

, , | Working | August 30, 2017

(I quit my job a few months ago for various reasons. My situation has improved since then, and the company has also implemented some changes, so I’m meeting up with my former boss to discuss the possibility of my return. It’s worth noting that he’s bald, whereas I like to dye my hair all sorts of colors whenever I can. The job, however, is an administrative position in a very conservative office, so that should be out of the question. The conversation goes well, so by the end of the interview…)

Me: *joking* “So, I guess there’s only the most important question left. Which hair colors would be permissible?”

Boss: *with a solemn face* “Ye who are blesséd with full hair… do with it whatever the h*** you want.”

(And that’s how he ended up with the first administrative assistant showing up to work with bright green hair.)

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