Just Phoning In That Apology

, , | Right | January 23, 2019

(It is about 2:00 pm on a weekday and I get a phone call at my desk.)

Me: “Hello. This is [My Name] from [Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I dialed the wrong number; you should apologize!”

Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

Caller: “I said you should apologize because I misdialed!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: *click*

Losing An Identity Means Creating A New One

, , , | Working | January 21, 2019

(We have an old coworker who took another job, but left on good terms. We receive word that he has been seriously injured in an accident and has lost memory of several years of his life. After awhile, his doctors suggest that he visit some of the places attached to the missing memories. He knows that he worked at our company, but has no memory of those years, so he comes to visit us. Our managers arrange for lunch to be brought in so that everyone who knew him can meet up and see if they can jog some memories. We have one older employee who is sort of a sour person.)

Employee #1: *starting off* “Do you remember any of us, or our names?”

Old Employee: “Some of you look familiar, but I don’t remember any of you.”

Sour Employee: “How can you not remember me?! I’m the village b****!”

Employee #2: “You couldn’t have given yourself a whole new identity! Don’t tell him that!”

Periodically Bloated

, , , , , | Working | January 21, 2019

(I’m having really bad back pain so I ask my Mum to drop a hot water bottle to work for me in the hope that it will help. I go down to the canteen there to fill it up and grab some chocolate while I’m there. Another woman is making tea at the same time and she sees my hot water bottle and chocolate.)

Worker: *sympathetically* “That time of the month, huh?”

(I laugh and gesture to my stomach.)

Worker:Wow! You get really bloated on your period. Does that not hurt?!”

Me: “Uh… I’m seven months pregnant!”

Worker: “I know they say you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, but I really should have copped that one, shouldn’t I? I’m so embarrassed!”

(For the next couple of weeks I seemed to pass the same woman a lot and she always jokingly pretended she didn’t notice I was pregnant. It really amused me.)

Husbandly Rights Are Very Wrong

, , , , , | Romantic | January 21, 2019

(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1: “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2: “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1: “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2: “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1: “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2: “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1: “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2: “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1: “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2: “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1: “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

Parking This Software Query

, , , | Right | January 16, 2019

(I’m working as a programmer for a company which provides softwares to hospsoftwaremanage ambulances and patient trips between rooms. I sometimes have to answer the phone to help some nurse or manager to use our product.)

Me: “[Company], hello!”

Guy: “Hello. I’m calling because some ambulances are blocked at the moment. Can you do something?”

Me: “Huh?” *not sure of what he is talking about* “Okay, tell me again what hospital you are calling from, and I will connect on your server to try to see the problem.”

Guy: “[Hospital]!” *clearly pissed that I’m not a mind reader of some sort* “But quickly! We have other s*** to do!”

Me: *as I’m starting to open the connection, still trying to figure out what is going on* “Yes, I’ll try, sir. So, on what part of our software are the ambulances not usable?”

(We have several.)

Guy: “What?”

Me: *more slowly and loudly* “On what part of our software are the ambulances not usable? [Software #1]? [ Software #2]?”

Guy: “On the parking!”

Me: *stopping everything* “What?”

Guy: “On the parking! There are a s***-ton of cars parked all over the place and the ambulances can’t get through!”

Me: “Sir, you are at the wrong number; you are calling a helpline for [Main Software name].”

Guy: “Huh?!”

Me: “The software the hospital is using to manage your work with the ambulances.”

Guy: “So? You can help me!”

Me: “I’m afraid not. I repeat: I think you have the wrong number. I have nothing to do with parking management.”

Guy: “But I have a sign in my vehicle that said, “If there is any problem, call [my company phone number]!”

Me: “Yes, computer problems! I am not sure how this sign ended up in your vehicle, but I am not in the hospital. I am not even near [City], so I certainly can’t help you from here. You should calm down and try to reach someone from the hospital itself.”

Guy: “I’m CALM! F*** YOU, B****!” *click*

Me: *sigh* “Good day to you, too.”

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