Monitor This Situation More Closely

, , , , , | Working | August 30, 2019

(For years, we’ve had a certain brand of desktop computers and recently, my company decided to switch the whole office to laptops that we can connect to a docking port at each of our desks that connects to two monitors. The IT people work all day in the office, setting up each person’s ports and monitors. I notice that my monitors are reversed; in order to move from one monitor to the other, I have to move my mouse in the opposite direction — move left from the left monitor to work on the right-side monitor, instead of just moving simply left-to-right. I notify one of the IT guys and the following exchange ensues:)

IT Guy: “Huh. Weird. I don’t know why that’s happening. I’ll have to switch the monitors around.”

(He takes out his cutters and begins snipping the zip-ties off the bundle of cords running behind the desk.)

Me: “What are you doing that for?”

IT Guy: “I have to switch the cables first, and then move the monitors.”

Me: “Why don’t you just pick up the monitors and physically switch them? Put the left one on the right and vice versa?”

IT Guy: “Oh. I like your idea a lot better.”

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Phone Calls For Lunch!

, , , , , | Working | August 29, 2019

(I’m a draftsman at our engineering office that also does secretary work, as the company is very small with less than five employees in the office. Due to this, we do many different other jobs. I am on lunch break. We all get an hour, but I typically only take a half-hour lunch break so I can leave early. This has been agreed upon by the company’s former president, the current president, and vice president. I typically eat lunch at my desk since I can browse the Internet during lunch. If the phone rings or a client walks into the office, the Vice President — who also does secretary work — will be the first to help them. However, today is a bit different. I sit down at my desk and start to eat my lunch. As I do, the phone rings. I look over to the Vice President and she is on the phone. So, I put down my lunch and answer the phone. I am on the phone for roughly twenty minutes. During this time, the Vice President goes downstairs. After that phone call, two more clients walk into the office. So, at this point, I’ve only taken three bites of my lunch. I talk to our new clients for about ten minutes before I bring out the President to talk with them, as they are his clients. I am finally able to eat lunch. The clients leave and the President walks back to his room. About five minutes after the clients leave, the Vice President comes back upstairs and sees me finishing up my lunch.)

Vice President: “You took an hour lunch today.”

(I think she is joking, but this time she is serious.)

Me: “I was talking to some clients on the phone, and then some of [President]’s clients walked in while you were on the phone and downstairs. I only had five minutes of my lunch break in a half-hour window as I had to help you answer the phone and the clients in the office.”

Vice President: “Well, when you open your lunch up, it starts your timer.”

(This is very unfair, as she has done the same thing and everyone else does the same thing. During this discussion, the President walks out for unrelated business and overhears.)

President: “[Vice President], just give him his half-hour lunch and be done with it.”

(I have started eating out of the office after this. If I eat in the office, I take my laptop to another room with no phone.)

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That’s What You Get For Hiring Rick

, , , | Working | August 29, 2019

(This is one of the more… unique… resignation emails that our department has received.)

Email: “It is with the most sincere apologies that I have to inform you that I will be taking an extended leave of absence from [Company]. During a side project assignment on my days off, I have managed to turn myself into a pickle. Being a pickle will make it difficult to wear my team shirt or my eyeglasses, so I am unable to continue working at this time.

Please do not worry about me. As soon as I discover a workable serum to reverse the process, I will be back. ;)”

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He’s Living His Pipe Dream

, , , | Working | August 28, 2019

(I work in an office with multiple restroom-blocks. One day, one is closed off due to a leak. A plumber comes and I happen to be the one to welcome him as a receptionist. The plumber goes to work, finds the leak, and fixes the leak. He has to change some pipes and comes down hauling the broken pipes.)

Me: “Whoa, that must’ve been one leak!”

Plumber: “Yeah, it was huge! Look at it!”

(He enthusiastically shows me the hole on the pipe, holding it very close to my face. Very close.)

Plumber: “You see this brown thick layer? That’s human poop. This has been accumulating for years!”

(I saw a layer from about an inch thick, and the pipe was still very close to my face. I realise this was not something I wanted to know. I quickly handed the plumber the key to our dumpster to let him dispose of it. When he came back with the key, he proudly stated that he had never seen a layer of poop this thick. The good man was clearly enthusiastic and meant no harm, but I did feel the urge to shower for a day.)

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Quentin Tarantino Really Took Liberties With History On That Movie

, , , , , , | Working | August 26, 2019

(I work for a film locations company. I get a call from a stage director.)

Me: “[Company], how can I help you?”

Director: “Yeah, I’m looking for an old house.”

Me: “Okay! Can you give me a few more specifics? Do you mean run down, or from a certain decade?”

Director: “I need a first-century house.”

Me: “Sorry, did you say first century?”

Director: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, like… a cave?”

Director: “Ugh, no! Umm, okay, have you ever seen Inglourious Basterds?”

Me: “Yes.”

Director: “You know the old house from the opening scene?”

Me: “Yes.”

Director: “I need a house like that.”

Me: “Okay. Now that I have a sense of what you need, I’m sorry to say that we don’t have any properties in our database that look like that. Our houses are more residential.”

Director: “Ugh, seriously? Well, I guess I’ll have to look elsewhere.”

Me: “I’m so sorry we couldn’t help you today, but for your future reference, Inglourious Basterds takes place in Nazi-occupied France in the 1940s, so you’re looking for a house from the 20th century.”

Director: “Thanks.” *hangs up*

(The opening shot, with the house in the background, literally states the setting year is 1941.)

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