They Better Not Go Pop

| Woburn, MA, USA | Working | April 25, 2017

(My boss has just gone on paternity leave, so my coworkers and I are signing a card.)

Me: “Congrats on creating life! Have fun with the little one!”

(I then draw some balloons in the corner. Just as I’m handing the card to the next coworker, I notice something and snatch it back.)

Coworker: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *frantically adding smiley faces and hearts to the balloons* “Protip: don’t draw balloons on baby cards. They look way too much like sperm.”

Their Data Is Flawed

| Belgium | Working | April 24, 2017

(My cellphone provider checks in about once a year to check if I’m happy with the service and with my current plan. Just a few weeks prior to the following conversation, I had such a check with the conclusion that my current plan is exactly what I need.)

Caller: “Hi, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “Are you the person deciding on which provider you use?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “In that case [My Name], I have an exciting offer for you. For only [almost double what I pay now], you can call free to all numbers from [Provider] AND double your 3G limit.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m happy with my current plan.”

Caller: “But [My Name], you are missing out on a great deal. You can call for free!”

Me: “Can you please do something for me? Can you please check my recent usage? How long did I call last month?”

Caller: “For [time comfortable within my limit].”

Me: “And what about my data?”

Caller: “Well, that was [again comfortable within my limit].”

Me: “For the last six months, how often did I call or needed a higher limit for my 3G than was included in my plan?”

Caller: “Well, you did not.”

Me: “So I’ll stick to the current plan, then.”

Caller: “But you could call for free. And double your data limit!”

Me: “You just confirmed me that my current plan is very well suited for my needs and you want me to spend more on a plan you proved I don’t need?”

Caller: “But you can call for free!”

Me: “Not going to happen. Have a nice day.”

(A few days later they wanted me to join their family plan. Being single was no objection.)

Found Your (In)Voice

| MI, USA | Working | April 23, 2017

(As the accounting clerk for my office, I have to watch out for scammers trying to defraud us. One scammer kept sending invoices that claimed to be from the yellow pages, but contained multiple misspellings, and went to a random PO box in Florida. I’d just been shredding them for over a year, but this month I decided to reply. In a formal letter on our letterhead, I wrote:)

Letter: “Neither our facility, nor our parent company, nor any affiliate thereof, requested to be included in your supposed directory. This invoice is illegitimate, and void. Any further attempts to bill us for unrequested services will be referred to the Better Business Bureau and the Federal Trade Commission. Cease and desist immediately. A word of advice: when you try scamming companies, your odds would be much better if you actually got the name of your target right. Not only are you crooks, you’re incompetent crooks. Kindly do the world a favor and go get eaten by an alligator.”

(That felt good.)

Beware The Cookware

| USA | Working | April 20, 2017

(We have a coworker that, although he’s not timid, is not friendly. One day, we all have an office party where we can bring another, and he brings his wife. His wife is actually very friendly and nice, and she invites us all to a party at their house. Thinking they want to be friends, we say sure. But on the day of her party, I get lost and I didn’t get their number so I just go home. The next day, my coworker comes up to me.)

Coworker: “You didn’t come to my wife’s party. Why?”

Me: “Oh, I got lost and I didn’t have your number so…”

Coworker: “Come to the next one. My wife cooked a lot, and only two people showed! Food went to waste!!”

Me: “O… kay….”

Coworker: “Or next time, don’t say you’ll be there!” *leaves*

(Later, I spoke with another coworker, who was at the party.)

Me: “Did she really cook?”

Other Coworker: “Yeah. It was nice.”

Me: “Oh.”

Other Coworker: “And then she tried to make us buy cookware! Apparently, she sells it. No one bought her pitch, though.”

Me: “Oh!”

(I no longer felt guilty. And next time I was invited to their house, I had someplace else to be.)

Answer Your Calling

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Working | April 20, 2017

I work at a large multi-national company. The culture there is that if you needed to communicate with someone, no matter if they were in your time-zone or not, you picked up the phone and called.

One evening, after I have gone home for the day, the phone rings. It is my manager, who lives and works in Australia. He is calling me, after hours, at home, to tell me that someone is going to call me, the next week, to talk with me about something. After I hang up, I tell my roommate about the call and say: “I think that an email would have been more practical and a lot less expensive.”

To this day, I have no idea what they (whoever was supposed to call) were going to talk to me about because they never did call.

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