Every Startup Needs A House Elf

, , , , , , | Working | April 9, 2018

(I’m working at an early stage startup in Silicon Valley, and we get a shipment of pens with the company logo on them. The sales guy goes around the open-plan office handing them out.)

Me: “Master has given [My Name] a pen! [My Name] is free!”

Without Reason

, , , , , | Working | April 7, 2018

(One of the perks of my workplace is that we can ship out personal packages on the company account for savings that they pay back, within reason. Unfortunately, some people don’t quite have the same understanding of “within reason” as others do.)

Coworker: “Hey, can I bring a few boxes around later for you guys to ship?”

Me: “Sure, we’ll just need the full addresses and phone numbers they’re going to. Do you need any packing material?”

Coworker: “Nope, they’re all set; just need labels, thanks!”

(An hour later, a car backs up to the shipping dock door. It’s [Coworker], who opens the trunk to reveal it’s FULL of boxes.)

Me: “Uh…”

Coworker: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “You said, ‘a couple.’ There have to be dozens in there.”

Coworker: “Fifty on the dot! Here’s the list!”

(He tries to hand me multiple sheets of paper. They’re awkwardly stapled together down the side like a book, and it’s all handwritten, extremely sloppily.)

Me: “You know we have to do each one of these manually through the [Carrier] software, right? Could you maybe put this in an email to make sure we get it all down right?”

Coworker: “No, don’t worry; this is fine.”

Me: *trying not to outright call him on his poor penmanship* “Well, it’s still going to take a while. When do you need this done by?”

Coworker: “They need to be delivered tomorrow.”

Me:Tomorrow?! Wait, you come by at five o’clock, to give us fifty boxes you want sent out overnight?! All to different addresses, on a sheet I can’t read right?! NO!”

Coworker: “But you guys are supposed to do this!”

Me: “Yes, when it’s reasonable. This is not. If you got it to us first thing this morning, yeah, we could have done it, but the truck’s going to be here any minute now, and there’s no way we can get this done.”

Coworker: “Well, that’s just rude! I’m complaining to your boss about this!”

Me: “Yeah, have fun with trying to get him to side with you wanting us to stop doing our actual work at the end of the day to cater to you.”

(The kicker? He actually DID try to complain to my boss, who told him the same thing: actual orders come first, and there was no way we were creating 50 shipping labels in five minutes with a single computer and printer. On a hunch, we sent a joint email to the Human Resources representative, not to complain about the coworker, but in case they tried to complain about either of us. Sure enough, my boss ended up hearing how we were supposedly “excessively rude,” “abrasive,” and “racist” to him. That last one was exceptionally funny, as all three of us are white!)


Ruler Of The Seven Kingdoms And The Eight Slices

, , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2018

(A conversation with a coworker has led us to talk about dreams where we do things we wouldn’t in reality.)

Me: “I can’t think of any dream where I was really evil or anything. But I guess I’ve stolen a few things. There was a taxi some years ago and, more recently, a slice of pizza from a dragon.”

Boss: *overhearing* “Did you just say you stole pizza from a dragon?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boss: *short pause* “That’s why Daenerys attacked.”

It Literally Doesn’t Pay To Bully

, , , , | Learning | April 5, 2018

My older brother set up his own software design company with a friend back in college while I was in high school. He and I were pretty close, so I ended up learning web design from him. The business took off pretty well, and when my older brother started handling more of management, he could afford to “hire” me as a remote intern, since he was operating states away and most of his contacts were nearer to me.

This was before all the “STEM for girls” took off, so computer work was not exactly a hot thing with the girls in my class. Coupled with the fact that I was a nerdy introvert, I was never one of the most popular girls in class, more so when they caught me doing “geek work.” Before I learned about storing things in the cloud, I had “missing” thumb-drives, CDs, and even laptop mice.

Once I graduated, I got into the same college as my older brother, so we ended up working together pretty closely with his friend. His friend took a liking to me, and we ended up dating, He really helped me boost my confidence and, with a fashion blogger sister, I also learned how to be more feminine. Summer rolled around and,. at the request of our college, my brother actually welcomed a group of computer science students to come in to our swanky new office and take a look at how the “unique and multi-disciplinary education at [College] can help you in your future career.” Lo and behold, my bullies were in the list of students, and my brother was only too happy to let me lead the introduction speech and presentation.

My boyfriend was the less active cofounder of the company, so he was the one who brought the group in. Considering he was smartly dressed and had a killer smile — I was a happy victim of them — he easily caught the hearts of most of the female students, especially my bullies. Then came me, practically grinning at the podium, as he introduced me as one of the first employees and his girlfriend. The bullies easily recognised my name, and even more so when I posted my high school photo as part of my introduction.

Unsurprisingly, they stood back and stayed quiet during my entire presentation. When the internship portal at the college opened, it just so happened that my bullies sent in their resumes very last-minute. And I just happened to be the unofficial but main in-charge of training new interns, especially if they have no technical knowledge but have the passion to learn. That means that I also had a hand in picking the lucky interns to the company that pays one of the highest stipends in the portal. (I checked.) My bullies had very basic technical knowledge and barely-passing grades in the courses the company was looking for.

Looks like a certain group of girls will have to settle for another company, if any are willing to take them in.

What A Diabeetus, Part 5

, , , , , , | Working | April 4, 2018

(This happened to my dad. He was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, and because of this, he has to have something to eat every two or three hours. His boss knows this. One day, the boss comes over to Dad’s desk to discuss something.)

Boss: *talking without paying attention*

(At that moment, the coffee cart rolls by.)

Dad: “Excuse me for a minute—”

Boss: *ignoring him*

Dad: “Uh, [Boss]? Just give me a minute—”

Boss: “Why?”

Dad: “I need to go get something from the coffee cart.”

Boss: *annoyed* “Now?”  

Dad: “Yes, now.”

Boss: “For Pete’s sake, would it kill you to wait?”

Dad: “Literally? Probably not. But it won’t be healthy for me.”

Boss: *pause* “Oh, the diabetes thing. Right.”

(It wouldn’t have been such a big deal, except that this happened at least once a month.)

What A Diabeetus, Part 4
What A Diabeetus, Part 3
What A Diabeetus, Part 2

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