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Brain Is Currently Offline, Part 3

| Working | February 21, 2013

(It’s first thing in the morning and I’m trying to log onto to our company website to start work. I see that our internet connection is down.)

Me: “Is your internet working?”

Coworker: “Yes. It’s working fine.”

(I go into his office to see him playing desktop Solitaire.)

Me: “You can get on the internet?”

Coworker: “Yeah, it’s working fine.”

Me: “Not your computer, the internet. That’s just a game; you don’t need internet to play that.”

Coworker: *points at the computer tower* “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This whole thing is the internet, and it’s working.”

Me:“No, it’s not, that’s a computer. Try to check MSN or something.”

Coworker: “I don’t need to, because my internet…” *points to the tower again* “…is ON. It’s working FINE.”

(I reboot our router and fix the problem. Only now, I’m wondering how to fix my coworker…)

A Higher Hire

| Working | February 17, 2013

Coworker: “I’m into these herbal supplements lately. It is not drugs or anything, but they really give me a boost and get me more focused.”

Me: “Um, no drugs?”

Coworker: “Yeah, just Chinese herbs. It can’t be drugs; it is all herbal and all.”

Me: “Sure… remind me: what are opium and marijuana made from?”

Some Bosses Are More Memorable Than Others

| Working | February 15, 2013

(My boss is notorious for not listening and not retaining new information.)

Me: “I’m gonna take my lunch now, okay?”

Boss: “Okay.”

(Five minutes later, I’m in the middle of a sandwich and have my headphones on when my boss approaches.)

Boss: “Can you get me this file?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I hand him the file, but only a few seconds later…)

Boss: “Why are you giving me this?”

Me: “You just asked for it. We’re working on it.”

Boss: “So, take it back.”

Me: “Okay…”

Boss: “So, are you on lunch?”

Me: “Yes. I told you that.”

Boss: “Then why are you working?!”

Me: *frustrated* “Because I love my job, boss! Because I love my job!”

Boss: “Okay, so eat.” *leaves*

Coworker: “That’s going on NotAlwaysWorking.com, isn’t it?”

Me: “Oh yeah.”

Hopefully, They Get Reception In Heaven

| Working | February 13, 2013

(My grandfather has recently passed away, so my father sends me to cancel his satellite TV contract.)

Me: “I’m here to cancel this contract. It was my grandfather’s and he passed away.”

Employee: “Don’t you want to keep it?”

Me: “No, he passed away and his home is for sale.”

(I hand him the death certificate.)

Employee: “I can offer you a 50% discount for the next six months if you keep the contract.”

Me: “What part of my grandfather being dead did you not understand?”

Oh Romeo, Where-fired Art Thou

| Working | February 9, 2013

(I just started a new job and everyone tells me about “Romeo,” a real ladies’ man around the office. He makes sexual advances towards me. I decline but he is very insistent.)

Romeo: “So, [my name], you wanna go it to my place tonight?”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Romeo: “Why not?!”

Me: “I don’t like mixing business with work.”

Romeo: “You’re boring. Okay then…”

(A few months pass…)

Romeo: “I got a new girlfriend.”

Me: “Congratulations!”

Romeo: “Yeah, she and I…”

(He starts recanting all they have done together intimately in graphic detail.)

Me: *uncomfortable* “Okay…”

Romeo: “Don’t believe me? I’ll bring her by sometime.”

Me: “That’s okay…”

(Next day, he brings a girl.)

Romeo: “Hey [my name]! This is my girl.”

Me: “Nice to meet you.”

Romeo: “I bet you wish you were her right now!”

(Unbelievably, they start engaging in heavy PDA with the girl right on my desk, complete with groping, spit swapping, tongues, and nearly undressing.)

Me:  “Uh, could you not do that here? I’m trying to work.”

Romeo: “You’re just jealous!”

(He doesn’t stop, and proceeds to have nearly have sex with her in front of everyone. I run and go to the boss’s office and tell him what’s happening.)

Boss: *laughs* “Oh, so he finally got a girl, eh? Atta boy. Don’t worry, just ignore it. That’s just the way he is.”

Me: “…”

(I quit soon after that, and filed sexual harassment charges against the company. Turns out, Romeo was the owner’s son!)