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Guide Me Away From This Madness

| Working | March 10, 2013

(I work tech support at a large IT company. I’m currently busy fixing a company director’s computer half an hour after the end of my shift. The director is waiting by me, watching me work as he’s waiting for me to finish so he can get some important files sent. Another company worker walks up to me, ignoring the director.)

Coworker: “Hey, can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure.”

Coworker: “It’s a bit complicated; is it alright if I ask?”

Me: “Sure.”

Coworker: “Do you have any guides on how to install the corporate instant messenger program?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “You know… a guide on how to install the IM program we use here.”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Coworker: “Really? Because I could really use a guide.”

Me: “All you have to do is run the installer, check ‘I agree’ and click ‘forward’ twice. No configuration needed. It’s that simple.”

Coworker: “Well, I kinda need a guide for that. You see, we’re sending the IM program to a client.”

Me: “I’m fairly sure anyone with a basic grasp of how computers work would be able to install it by themselves.”

Coworker: “Still, I need a guide. Who installs that program here?”

Me: “We do.”

Coworker: “You do?”

Me: “Yes, we’re the tech support department.”

Coworker: “And you don’t need a guide?”

Me: “No. we don’t.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s really simple to install. We don’t need a guide for that.”

Coworker: “Are you sure you don’t have a guide?”

Me: “I never saw one, no one ever mentioned one, so I’m fairly sure we don’t have one.”

Coworker: “Couldn’t you write one?”

Me: “We’re kind of busy here. But if you really need a guide, you could open a ticket. We’ll write a basic guide and send it to you once the ticket arrives in our inbox.”

Coworker: “Oh, I don’t have time for that!”

Me: “Well, if you don’t want to wait, you should talk to the developers.”

Coworker: “Oh? Who are the developers?”

Me: “The guys at [other company with the same owner of our company]. We contract their servers for the program. Drop them a word, and I’m sure they’ll be glad to send you the information you need.”

Coworker: *winces* “Oh, I don’t want to talk to [Other Company].”

Me: “Why not?”

Coworker: “Are you really sure you don’t have a guide stashed somewhere?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Coworker: “Maybe it’s lost in your filing system? It could have been tossed in an obscure folder in a backup server, you know?”

Me: “As I said, it’s a very simple program to install. One checkbox, two clicks, a few seconds of waiting and it’s ready to use. There was never a need for a guide, so we never wrote or asked for one.”

Coworker: “Right. Who could I talk to to see if they can find me a guide?”

Me: “Speak to [my Department Manager].”

Coworker: “Do you think he could help me find an installation guide?”

Me: “No, I don’t. I think you are looking for something that doesn’t exist.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: “Yep.”

Coworker: *chipper* “I’m sure he can help me out. Thanks!” *wanders off*

(My director has overheard our entire conversation, and puts a hand on my shoulder once my coworker leaves.)

Director: “Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths.”

Not The Most Chair-itable Way To Say Things

| Working | March 6, 2013

(It’s the beginning of the year, and the Project Manager who sits next to me asks me a question.)

Project Manager: “How many hours holiday do we get every year?”

Me: “200.”

Project Manager: “As much as that? I thought it was something like 185.”

Me: “It might be for new starters, and you started last year. I’ve been here for several years, so I’ve probably got a legacy rate.”

Project Manager: “Ah yes, you’re part of the furniture. Er… we’re getting new furniture.”

Me: *feigning outrage* “Oh, thank you very much!”

Project Manager: *turns red* “Oh my! No, no, no! I mean we really ARE getting new furniture!”

(My coworker, who sits nearby had overheard the exchange and bursts out laughing.)

Coworker: “You should remember this for your tribunal!”

Courtshipping With Disaster

| Working | March 3, 2013

(I am a female with very long hair. However at work, I keep it tied up in a bun. This occurs on a coworker’s first day at lunch time while I am re-tying my hair.)

Coworker: “Holy ****, you’re a GIRL?!”

Me: “You didn’t guess from [my very feminine name]?”

Coworker: “You just look really manly without hair.”

(A few minutes pass…)

Coworker: “So… are you single?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.” *shows him my engagement ring*

Coworker: “Come on, you can have a bit of fun before you’re tied down! Let’s go out for a drink later!”

Me: “So, ten minutes ago you thought I was a man, and now you’re asking me to cheat on my fiancé? Wow, you work quickly.”

(Thankfully, he hasn’t spoken a word to me since.)

The Cord May Be Plugged In, But The Brain Is Unplugged

| Working | March 2, 2013

(My brother is working very late on the computer. The cleaning lady comes in and a second later his computer turns off. She has taken out the plug to put in her vacuum cleaner.)

My Brother: “Hey, why did you pull my plug out?”

Cleaning Lady: “Vacuum cord doesn’t reach from out there. I do it every time and I always put it back in.”

Brother: “But I was never in here using the computer when you did it.”

Cleaning Lady: “Oops.”

A Rant He Can’t Recant

| Working | February 28, 2013

(My manager has always hated the general manager with a passion for some reason. He never lets the opportunity go to verbally bash him behind his back, especially to me. On this day, he sees his computer is out of order.)

Manager: “What the F***! How many times have I asked the GM to fix this! He is nothing! But! A! Piece! Of! S***! C***sucker! A**hole!”

(I roll my eyes and ignore him as he goes off on a tirade about how worthless the GM is. At that moment, the GM himself walks in from the back. He stands there, out of sight by my manager. I try to signal to my manager, but he is ranting at the tops of his lungs that he doesn’t see.)

Manager: “#$*@#&@!”

General Manager: “Excuse me.”

Manager: *shuts up*

General Manager: “Right now I have to do something, but I want you in my office when I get back in 15 minutes. We have to TALK.” *leaves*

Manager: *to me* “Why didn’t you say something to me?!”

Me: “I tried!”

(Somehow, the manager didn’t get fired even though the GM clearly heard his insults. He got written up though. All day, he blamed me, for not telling him the GM was standing there! Since then, though, I’ve never heard a hate filled rant ever again.)