(I go into an office on my college campus to ask a question. The front is small and cramped, so things easily get in the way. On my way out, my bag hits a chair on wheels next to the door, and drags it right into the doorway.)

Me: “Sorry about that!”

Worker #1: *as I’m moving it back to where it was* “That’s all right; it happens all the time.”

Worker #2: *surprised* “You’re putting it back! No one ever puts it back!”

Me: “But… but it blocks the doorway and you can’t get through!”

Worker #2: “Exactly!”

(As part of our training for our job, we have to attend a workshop on communication and confidence. The trainer has asked us all to go round and say what we want to get out of the workshop, but for some reason, we are not allowed to repeat what anyone else has said. I am near the end of the group of people and am therefore struggling to think of what different thing I might want to take from the workshop. I also happen to have a very common name.)

Trainer: “And you?”

(I say the first thing that comes to mind.)

Me: “Uh. Okay. I would like to, uh, I guess, be able to address my colleagues with confidence and not come across as doubting what I’m thinking when, uh, presenting my ideas.”

Trainer: *smiling* “Ah, I see. A bit of lack of self-esteem.”

Me: “Uh, yeah.”

Trainer: “You’re not someone who thinks that your job application was accepted by mistake, or that it’s a case of mistaken identity?”

Me: “Well, it is possible, I guess, but I guess I wasn’t thinking—“

Trainer: “Really? How likely is it that they mixed up something as important as a job offer with someone with the same name as you?”

Me: “Er. Well, actually, in my year at high school, there were three of us with the same first name and second name. They tried to enter me for the wrong exam papers several times, gave me someone else’s report at least once, entered me as dyslexic for one of my papers, and then nearly didn’t give me my exam certificate because they assumed my name on the student list was a typo. Among other things. So, uh, if we’re going by my past experience, I’d say it’s not impossible that someone with my name applied and the paperwork was mixed up. But I never really considered it until you said it, and now I’m wondering about it.”

Trainer: *a little flustered, having clearly not realised how common my name is* “Right. Okay. I can see why you might think that. Erm, I’m sure that didn’t happen, though. Moving on…”

(Everyone joked later that I was the only person to come out of the training with LESS confidence than when I started.)

(A random lady walks into our advertising agency.)

Customer: “Hi. I have some changes I’d like to make to the logo your company recently created for [Local Client]. The changes are–” *lists them*

(Pause.)

Me: “So, you’re saying you want us to make these unasked-for changes to [Local Client]’s logo — for free — without asking them if they even want the changes?”

Customer: “Oh, so it would cost money?”

Me: “Yeah, a lot of it. But regardless, you’re not even affiliated with [Local Client]. You have no power to suggest these changes.”

Customer: “Well, I have strong opinions about that logo. I thought you could help me out.”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

(I work for a woman who has a fashion and jewelry import business, and she is trying to set up sales reps in other cities. She has just sent one rep a sales kit of some somewhat pricey jewelry, and the rep has ghosted us, stealing the jewelry. My boss’s solution for this?)

Boss: “Well… tax season is coming soon; maybe we’ll just 1099 her for it.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Boss: “We can say the product was her payment and put it on her 1099! Then we’ll get it as a tax credit, and she’ll have to pay for it in her taxes.”

Me: “Uh…”

Boss: “We can even say the product was worth a lot more! Like, we can put [amount ten times the product’s value].”

(I’m starting to feel like this is sketchy.)

Me: “I don’t think we can. That’s fraud.”

Boss: “Who’s going to find out?”

Me: “[Rep] will report us to the IRS.”

Boss: *most arrogant tone possible* “How can she? She’s the one committing a crime!”

Me: “She has proof the items in her kit weren’t really worth that much. We sent out a packing list to all the reps, saying what products we sent them and what the value was.”

Boss: *deflated, so disappointed she doesn’t get to commit tax fraud* “Oh, yeah. Okay, so we can’t do that… but we can still put the value of products she got on her 1099 as compensation!”

Me: “I don’t think this is a good idea. Why don’t we just contact the police in her state and report that she committed theft?”

Boss: “That’s too hard.”

(Her accountant, who was probably also kind of shady, said that “payment in product” was a totally legit thing to put on a 1099, so as far as I know she went ahead with this scam. I don’t know; I quit — after tax season, to make sure she didn’t get mad at me and send me a bogus 1099 saying I had been “paid in product” ten times more than my actual salary — and got a job where the boss didn’t try to implicate me in fraud. My old boss is still in business, last I heard. I feel bad for her employees.)

(I work for a company that has an external stakeholder who is incredibly high-maintenance. One of my colleagues has just been promoted to head of team, and has asked everyone to give her a short list of “pain points” that we have to deal with on a regular basis so she can raise it with the stakeholder. This conversation happens between her and me the following day.)

Me: “I’m trying to think of a subject line for this email that isn’t ‘Pain Points,’ as you know I’ll get pulled up on it.”

Colleague: *doesn’t even blink, pause, or take a breath* “Use ‘Opportunities for Improvement.'”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Had to do this a few times, huh?”

Colleague: “Yeah, just a few.”

(Clichéd business language always makes me laugh.)