(I am working as a copier service rep. I am doing extensive maintenance on a copier when an executive administrative assistant walks in, holding a paper.)

Assistant: “Can I make a copy?”

Me: “Sorry, it’s not working right now.”

Assistant: “Well, I just need one copy.”

Me: “The copier is out of order.”

Assistant: “Well, even for one?”

Me: “It’s not working; I have parts pulled out.”

Assistant: “I just need that one page. Sure you can’t?”

Me: “It. Doesn’t. Work.” *opening my arms to show all the parts and tools spread out everywhere*

Assistant: “The VP is waiting for it.”

(I just stand there, not talking, looking at her.)

Assistant: “Oh, well… I guess I will have to use the other copier downstairs.”

(That would have been a one-minute walk, she was next to the staircase, and the other copier was next to it at the other end. When I told that to a fellow service rep, he said that he’d had a similar experience. However, after the third time, he said he simply stepped aside and let the customer use the copier. She put the paper on, pressed the start button, turned to him, and said, “Eh… it doesn’t work.” He answered, “Exactly.” She then understood and left.)

This was told to me by a friend. This friend of mine lost his grandmother earlier this week, and five months ago lost his mother.

Two days after his grandmother died, his regional manager, who was visiting his branch, said this to his face: “Aren’t you happy? Now you have fewer family members who can die.” Later, she justified herself saying she was just kidding. Strangely enough, my friend didn’t find it funny and answered in quite colorful language.

Caller: “I need copies of my statements! I need them right away. How do I access them?”

Me: “Are you set up to receive your statements electronically, sir?”

Caller: “Yes, I am. Since November of 2015, I think it was.”

Me: “Then you’re already receiving your statements by email as a PDF attachment.”

Caller: “I get my statements, I look at them, and then I move them to the trash folder. Then, my trash folder empties. I need the statements for my taxes!”

Me: “…”

(I am checking in with my union. After confirming my identity, the clerk tells me my membership has been temporarily frozen due to debt. Note that during the whole interaction her demeanor is serious and calm, no smirk or frown to show she thinks anything is weird.)

Clerk: “Uh-oh! You’re in arrears on your dues!”

Me: “Aw. How did that happen? I remember paying three months’ worth just a month ago.”

Clerk: “Ah, that explains why you have a credit of [$$] on your file. Would you like me to take what you owe out of the credit?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

(How can a single account have both too much and too little money on it at the same time?)

(“The Passion Of The Christ” has just come out. I’m discussing it with my coworkers.)

Coworker: “Was it any good?”

Me: “Typical horror movie ending. You think the guy’s dead, but he’s not.”

Christian Coworker: “I’d be mad, but that was actually pretty funny.”