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Keep Your Nose Out Of Other People’s Uteruses!

, , , , | Working | September 7, 2021

I just got back to the office from my two-week honeymoon. I am waiting for the lift when a coworker that is notorious for talking too much and too loud comes to congratulate me on the wedding. It is unfortunately common in our culture to ask about things that most western cultures think to be too rude, but this one takes the cake.

Coworker: “Hi! Congratulations on the wedding! How are you?”

Me: “Thank you! I am good!”

Coworker: “So, are you pregnant yet?”

Me: *Laughs* “I am not.”

Coworker: “Nah. I’m sure you are. You just don’t know it yet.”

Me: “No. I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant.”

Coworker: “I know you are pregnant! Trust me! Go get yourself checked.”

Me: “I. Am. Not. Pregnant!”

Coworker: “Yes, you are! I have a gift for this kind of thing. I’m never wrong!”

Me: “Well, you are wrong. And I am taking this lift. Goodbye.”

Coworker: *As the doors close* “Go buy a test pack!”

I didn’t buy a test pack. I stopped my pills two years after that exchange and finally got pregnant six months later.

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Redefining Side Hustle

, , , , , , | Working | September 7, 2021

The vending machines at work are so expensive and so infrequently stocked that I buy a few multipacks of snacks and leave them in my desk. A few of the other guys in the office buy snacks from me (at cost), and then a few more join in. Suddenly, I get requests to stock other items, and then, before I know it, I’m running a fully-stocked tuck shop.

I only charge what it costs for me to buy items, but when a bar costs, say, 19p from a multipack, most people round up. I’m not making any real money, but it probably covers more than my petrol.

One day, my boss pulls me into his office.

Boss: “We’ve had a concern raised about you running some sort of racket.”

Me: “You mean the tuck shop? I would hardly call it a racket.”

Boss: “I’ve been told it’s more of a business, being run on company time. There was something about exclusion or—” *reading from a paper* “—an all-boys club?”

Me: “I have food at my desk, and people come by on their breaks and pay the cost price for what they want. I’ve told [Female Coworker] that if she wants to join in, she can, but I’m not buying a mini-fridge out of my own money to suit her.”

Boss: “Hang on, I didn’t say any names. Okay, I think I need to see this for myself.”

We go back to my desk. My desk gets emptied in front of everyone, and I have to admit there is a lot of food. I volunteer the ledger, the price list, and all emails related to it.

My boss goes through everything, returns it to me, and leaves, saying something about checking with Human Resources.

I hear nothing for weeks until the senior HR manager comes into the office and is pointed to me.

HR Manager: “Are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

HR Manager: “Do you have any salt and vinegar crisps?”

Me: *Pauses* “Sure, what brand?”

HR Manager: *Laughing* “What brand?! Oh, you’re being serious. Any will be fine.”

Just like that, he became one of the most frequent customers. He would often stop to chat and we got on really well. I know [Female Coworker] lied to get me in trouble, but it certainly didn’t work!

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Filling Your Drawers With Guilt

, , , , , | Working | September 7, 2021

Apparently, I left my office desk drawers unlocked when I was last in the office a few months ago. I find that they have been ransacked and anything of perceived value has been taken.

Luckily, it was mostly company stationery, but I did have some food stuff in there. It’s beyond annoying, and I’m pretty sure I know who it was.

Me: “Oh, no! My drawers!”

Coworker #1: “What happened?”

Me: “Someone has stolen all of my things!”

Coworker #1: “What?! Some people are scum in this office.” *Glares at [Coworker #2]*

Me: *Dramatically* “Oh, no! They’ve taken the food, too.”

Coworker #1: “Don’t worry. We can buy some more.”

Me: *Loudly* “No, I mean it was really out of date. Like months. I had been meaning to throw it out for ages.”

Coworker #1: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, I hope they didn’t eat it. That stuff can be toxic when it goes off.”

Coworker #1: “Come on. Let’s get some more stationery for you.”

When we returned, [Coworker #2] was nowhere to be seen. Later, he went home feeling sick. The joke’s on him; none of it was out of date. It was just his paranoia and guilt making him sick.

I did make sure to buy more food and offer [Coworker #2] some when he came back in. Surprisingly, he declined.

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Voldemort Left A Message For You

, , , | Right | September 7, 2021

I’m covering the phones as everyone else is out; it’s a small office. The phone rings.

Me: “Hello, [Company].”

Caller: “Is [Owner] there?”

Me: “Sorry, they stepped out.”

Caller: “Okay, do you know when will they be back?”

Me: “No, sorry. But I can take a message.”

Caller: “Yes, please.”

Me: “Okay, who is calling, please?”

Caller: “Oh, I, err, probably shouldn’t say.”

Me: “A company name?”

Caller: “I, err, can’t really tell you.”

Me: “A subject? A reminder?”

Caller: “Well, you see, it’s all a bit hush.”

Me: “No problem. So far I have: someone, who cannot be named, from an unknown company, has left a message of information that I cannot pass on?”

Caller: *Laughing* “Oh, now you say it, it does sound silly. I will call back.”

Eventually, the owner came back and I relayed the “message.” I jokingly asked if he was planning to join MI6. He saw the funny side and eventually told me it was a business merger; he couldn’t tell me more due to insider trading and the like.

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If You Can’t Convince ‘Em, Confuse ‘Em, I Guess

, , , , , | Working | September 6, 2021

My coworker is packing up her things to leave when our supervisor emerges from her office.

Supervisor: “[Coworker], I’ve noticed you often leave a few minutes before 5:00.”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Supervisor: “Uh, no, you need to stay until 5:00.”

Coworker: “No, really, I don’t mind!”

Supervisor: “We’re paying you to be here until 5:00.”

Coworker: “It’s fine. I don’t mind!”

Supervisor: We need you here until 5:00!”

Coworker: “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind!”

[Coworker] cheerfully leaves. Frustrated, [Supervisor] turns to me.

Supervisor: “You get it, right?!”

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