The Mother Of All Emergencies

| Scotland, UK | Related | May 12, 2017

(I get a call at work.)

Mum: “You need to finish work early and come house sit.”

Me: “Is there something wrong?”

Mum: “No, someone is coming by to fix the boiler.”

Me: “Aren’t you at home now?”

Mum: “Yes. When do you think you will get here?”

Me: “Why can’t you house sit?”

Mum: “Because I just heard [Store] is having a sale, and there’s some shoes I need.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: You want me to leave work early, drive for an hour, and sit in your house, while you go shopping for shoes.”

Mum: “When can you get here?”

Me: *hangs up*

(Five minutes later…)

Manager: “[My Name], I’ve got your mother on the phone, saying it’s an emergency and that you need to get home quickly.”

Me: “Just hang up. She just wants to go shopping.”

(My manager glared at his phone in disgust before hanging up. My mum kept trying and in the end we had to block her number. I got a text from her an hour later saying I would never be welcome in her home again. She still stands by it. This is the second Easter I wasn’t allowed to visit, but my wife and daughter were.)

Blink… And You Miss The Reference

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Working | May 11, 2017

(My coworkers are discussing the possibility of time travel.)

Coworker: “Now some people think that time is linear, but I believe that it’s circular.”

Me: “Actually, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, stuff.”

(Everyone just stares at me blankly.)

Me: “Geez… am I the ONLY one around here that watches Doctor Who?”

Getting Some Backpack Flack

| Switzerland | Working | May 8, 2017

(A while ago I had an IT problem that was handled in part by one of our IT apprentices. During this I already noticed that he was maybe not the brightest. Then, one day I find a backpack on the train — with his name in it! So I call his parents and tell them I have found the backpack and will bring it to the office. I also write an email directly to him, but do not receive any reaction over two days. So I call him:)

Me: “I think I found your backpack on the train. Didn’t your parents tell you?”

Apprentice: “No, they said someone from the railway service had found it.”

Me: “Ooookay, but I also wrote you an e-mail about it?!”

Apprentice: “Well, yes, I saw that, but how could you have found my backpack?”

Me: “Listen, I have a backpack here, a black one, with your name in it. Is it yours?”

Apprentice: “Actually, mine’s blue and—”

Me: *interrupting* “Did you, or did you not, leave your backpack on a train?”

Apprentice: “Uh, yes…”

Me: “Then come and get it in my office!”

The Great (Aunt) Escape

| England, UK | Working | May 8, 2017

Coworker: “I need some time off. My aunt just died.”

Me: “Oh, no. Was it [Aunt #1]? I’d heard she hasn’t been ‘all there’ lately.”

Coworker: “No, it was my other aunt.”

Me: “[Aunt #2]? Oh, that must have been a shock. I’ll have to drop by [Aunt’s Daughter]’s this afternoon and give her my regards.”

Coworker: “Urgh, no. Another aunt.”

Me: “Well, I can only think of [Great Aunt], but I spoke to her this morning.”

Coworker: *confused stare*

Me: *realising* “No one has died.”

Coworker: “No…”

Me: “Should we just forget what you were trying to do?”

Coworker: “I think so… but how do you know my aunts?”

Me: “I went to school with [Aunts #1 & #2], and [Great Aunt] used to babysit us. She’s also my neighbour.”

Coworker: “Okay, so, I guess I completely f***ed up?”

Me: “Yes, you did.”

(I had a chat with his aunts later, and while mortified they also found it hilarious. Honestly, though, what would you expect living in a small coastal town?! Everyone knows each other!)

You’re About To Hit The Ceiling

| Indiana, USA | Working | May 8, 2017

(I’m renovating an office building and am working on getting one of our best suites cleaned out and painted before I leave for vacation. I manage to get a full coat of paint on all the walls in all the offices in the suite plus the reception area before my last day. I have two workers that I’ve assigned to finish the job and show them what I need. I walk them through one at a time, assigning them sections.)

Me: “Okay. This room is most important because the ceilings are high and I’m short. I need you to paint this section in the beige and the rest in white.”

Worker: “Should be no problem.”

Me: *with second worker* “Do this wall here, from this end to this end.”

Worker #2: “What about this wall?”

Me: “Just concentrate on the section I gave you and we’ll go from there.”

Worker #2: “But I can stick around for five hours and get it all done.”

Me: “No, don’t do that. I only have so many extra payroll hours. So just do the section assigned and we’ll see what else I have left.”

(I leave feeling comfortable that they’ll get it done. I come back and all the areas I’ve cleaned and painted have been torn up with tape on the walls and none of the areas I assigned have been done. My boss is wondering why I have 12 extra hours of payroll.)

Me: “Why didn’t you do the parts I told you?”

Workers #1 & #2: “We did! You said to paint the walls and the other parts didn’t look painted anyway so we did those.”

(So instead of being able to take pictures for the website, I’m going to have to spend another several days painting what I had assigned to them because I’m out of overtime.)

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