What Are Jew Smoking?

, , , , | Working | October 25, 2018

Coworker: “Doesn’t your boyfriend worship Satan?”

Me: “What? No. He’s Jewish.”

Coworker: “Exactly. He’s a Satanist, right?”

Me: “What are you smoking?”

Coworker: “That star thing… It’s the star of Satan right?”

Me: *incredulous pause* “Wow. You’re confusing the Star of David with a Pentagram?”

Coworker: “They’re not the same thing?”

Me: “No. The Star of David has six points. Pentagrams have five. Plus, pentagrams don’t mean Satan worship, either; they’re a symbol used by Wiccans.”

(The sad thing is, the coworker still couldn’t figure out there was a difference between five and six, that Jews weren’t witches, and that witches weren’t Satanists, either.)

Visiting The Land Of The Bratwurst

, , , | Right | October 24, 2018

(I work in a respectable travel agent’s office. A burly man wearing a sleeveless t-shirt featuring a very realistic-looking man’s private part — hairs and all — walks in with his friend. I’m a young female.)

Me: “Good morning. How are you…” *notices the shirt* “…doing…”

Man: “Yes, do you have vacation packages?”

Me: *trying not to look* “Yes.”

Man: “To Germany? How much for a week?”

(I tell him the price. He’s not happy with it and starts yelling, demanding the price be lowered. I refuse politely. Finally, he stops, and his friend joins him. They stand a little ways off so I can hear them whisper.)

Man: “I can’t believe how she treated me! I don’t understand her attitude!”

Friend: “Um, probably because of your shirt.”

Man: “So, what’s wrong with c**k?!”

(They left. My boss came out and I told him what happened, and he laughed.)

We Want To See What They Would Do For A Door That Is Alarmed

, , , , , | Working | October 24, 2018

(I have just taken over handling the company’s soda machine after the previous person quit. After dealing with at least one jam per week and hearing complaints from coworkers in different departments, I decide to put a sign on the machine.)

Sign: “If the soda machine needs attention, please notify [My Name].”

Coworker #1: “The soda machine looks lonely. It needs attention.”

Coworker #2: “The soda machine needed attention so I gave it a hug.”

This Story’s Title Is Titled

, , , , , | Working | October 23, 2018

(I am at the Department of Licensing, transferring the titles to a pickup, a trailer, a four-wheeler, and snowmobiles to my name after the passing of my grandfather. I have the “Inheritance” form filled out and a copy of the death certificate laid out on the counter.)

Worker: “Hello. What can I help you with today?”

Me: “I am here to transfer these titles after the passing of my grandfather.”

Worker: *looks at how many titles I have* “Well! Aren’t you lucky?!”

(I let her have it, instead of doing the whole, “No, I’d rather have more time with my granddad instead of his truck.”)

Getting Up Early Can Knock You For Six

, , , , | Working | October 23, 2018

(I work in an office, usually from 7:30 am until 4:00 pm. It takes me about half an hour to get there by bike. A coworker, who lives further away and has different working hours, will be going out with me tomorrow to pick up work from a client. It will take at least two hours to get there, and before we can take out the work, we have to prepare it first.)

Boss: “Tomorrow, [Coworker] will try to be here as early as possible. But be prepared; you might be finished at [Client’s location] late, like four pm.”

Me: “That’s okay; I anticipated getting home late.”

Boss: “Yes, sorry. I wanted you both to leave here at 7:30 am, but [Coworker] says she might be a bit later, because otherwise she would have to get up at 6:00 am.”

Me: *sceptical* “Six am? Wow. That would be tough, eh?”

Boss: “Yup.”

Me: “I mean, I only get up at six am, like, every day I work.”

Boss: “And I am already on a bus to get here by six am.”

Me: “Pity her.”

Boss: “Yes. Pity her.”

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