Digging Your Nails Into This Alibi

, , , , , | Working | July 9, 2018

(A coworker bursts into my office.)

Coworker: *thrusting a sheet of paper into my hand* “I need you to sign this!”

Me: *after reading the paper* “[Coworker], I can’t sign this. This says you attended [Meeting] yesterday.”

Coworker: “I know; I sort of need an alibi.”

Me: “But this wouldn’t prove anything. [Meeting] is held over instant messenger. All someone has to do it check the record and see you weren’t in it.”

Coworker: “So, you won’t help me? God, you’re so mean now that you’ve been promoted. I could lose my job.”

Me: “What’s the alibi for, anyway?”

Coworker: “I needed to nip out and get a pedicure for my great-aunt’s funeral on Friday, and I can only get it done at [Salon], which is near [Town]. And, well, the parking is really bad, so I took the metro, and I ended up being gone for five hours.”

Me: “Five hours?! You know you could’ve taken compassionate leave?”

Coworker: “And missed ogling at those construction workers across the road? Think straight, [My Name]!” *leaves*

(She probably would have gotten away with her little frolic, had she not acted suspicious and blurted out a fabricated story to her manager, who then followed up on it and discovered the truth. She wasn’t fired, but she lost access to her company car for the rest of the week, meaning she had to pay to drive to the funeral. A rumour started later that month that she decided not to go, and spent all day at home.)

Why Work Ethic Is Crumbling

, , , | Working | July 9, 2018

Coworker #1: “…but if you had been rude to them like they claimed, we would just have a little chat, and I would give you a biscuit to make you feel better and less ashamed of yourself.”

Coworker #2: “So, if I am ever rude to a customer I get a biscuit?”

Coworker #1: “Erm… a bad biscuit. One you don’t like, so that I look like I’m being nice without rewarding your bad behaviour.”

Coworker #2: “All I heard was that if I am caught being rude to a customer I get a biscuit now.”

Don’t Get Your Hose All Up In A Twist

, , , , , | Right | July 5, 2018

(I work in a sales office, selling industrial hose and fittings. If a customer doesn’t know exactly what they are looking for, we are required to ask certain questions to determine the specification. Due to the nature of the product, the company could get into a lot of trouble if we sell something that is not up to the job. I receive an email enquiry from a customer with a picture attached, showing an enormous engine with a bit of hose clamped on to it, but no specifications. The following exchange occurs via email.)

Customer: “Can you source the textured pipe on this photo that goes over the gearbox?”

Me: “Could you please provide more information on the required hose?

  • Hose ID and length
  • Working pressure
  • Working temperature, and surrounding temperature
  • What is going through it
  • Is it for suction or delivery?”

Customer: “It’s in the picture.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we need the hose specification in order to select the best hose for the application. Without the information requested, we cannot make an offer.”

Customer: “With the greatest of respect, if I knew that, I wouldn’t need to email my hose supplier! No worries; I’ll look elsewhere.”

(I certainly wish that customer luck in finding a supplier willing to sell him a hose with no specification!)

Has No Time To Listen To Time Zones

, , , , , | Right | July 5, 2018

(I work for the food-stamp office. I am calling a client back the next day to finish up an application. I advised her I would be calling about eight in the morning. Our office opens statewide at 8:00 am EST.)

Me: “Hi. This is [Government Office], and I am calling for [Client]. Is she around, by chance?”

Client’s Mother: “She had to go somewhere, but she will be back. You said you would call at eight!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is eight am EST.”


(I explained time zone differences, and she was still irate when the call ended because she thought I was lying.)

Live Long And Use The Force

, , , , , | Working | July 4, 2018

(One of my coworkers has realized it’s May 4th, and has been letting everyone know as she says good morning.)

Coworker: “May the Fourth be with you!”

Manager: “Whatever. I’m not a Star Trek person.”

Coworker: “Yes, clearly.”

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