I answer the general information line for the county two days a week: Thursdays and Fridays. There is a “cover” number that shows up on your caller ID whenever anyone — and I do mean anyone — calls you from either the county or the city. There are over 6,000 employees between the city and the county, plus calls made from the jail, detox, the courthouse, the mental health department, probation, child support, etc.

Realistically, a call with that ID could be anyone. If you call that number, you get a recorded message telling you this.

Me: “City and County Information.”

Caller: “Yes, I just received a call from you. What do you want?”

Me: “Did you receive a call from [general number]?”

Caller: “Yes, like I said, you called me. What do you want?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, you just called me. That number represents over 6,000 employees in the city or county. It is a cover number that shows up whenever anyone from county offices makes a call. If they didn’t leave a message or you didn’t talk to anyone, I have no way to find out who it was that called you.”

Caller: “It was you! You called me! What do you want?!“

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t call you. Did you talk to anyone? Did they leave a message?”

Caller: “Why did you call me?!“

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I didn’t call you and I have no way to know who did call you. Are you expecting a call from anyone with the city or county? Do you have regular contact with anyone from the city or county? I’d like to help direct you to the right person, but without more information, I can’t do that.”

Caller: “You shouldn’t call people if you don’t know why you are calling them. That’s just rude.”

Me: “Yes, you’re right. That is rude to call someone and not even know why you are calling them.”

Caller: “Yes. Well, thanks, anyway.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Caller: “For nothing.”

Editing is an important service in the path from great idea to published book. Freelancers spend nearly as much time trying to drum up clients as we do editing, and after a long dry spell, I put out the word all over the web, including sites having nothing to do with writing or editing. Eureka! I got a nibble!

Client: “How much would you charge to edit a novel?”

Me: “Depends on the size and difficulty. What did you have in mind?”

Client: “300,000 words.”

Me: “That’s huge! Send me a sample chapter and I’ll be able to give you a bid.”

The client sends a sample chapter; it’s interesting but a mess. I edit a couple of pages and send it back.

Me: “I can do this in [length of time] for [amount].”

Client: “Wow, you do incredible work! This is great. I’ll get in touch when I get some money.”

Me: “…”

I work at one of the top hotel reservation websites as a reservation specialist and accept over the phone reservations. I have a caller who says she want to book for a hotel in Las Vegas for her and her daughters. The lady is obviously in her fifties based on the tone of her voice.

Caller: “I want a hotel reserved for me and my two adult daughters in Las Vegas for three nights. I want the room to have an indoor pool, and I want to be close to the airport.”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. Do you have a hotel in mind? Or I can give you some suggestions here on our system that are within your preferences.”

Caller: “No, I have a hotel. It’s called Aladdin Hotel. I’m looking at your website right now; it says $12 a night.”

I am shocked; $12 a night with an indoor pool?

Me: “Oh, let me find that on our system, then.”

After a few minutes, and after thoroughly checking the whole of Las Vegas for an Aladdin Hotel, I can’t find anything.

Me: “Are you sure it’s called ‘Aladdin Hotel’? I can’t find anything on our system with that hotel name.”

Caller: *Irritated tone* “Yessss! I’m looking at it right now on my laptop.”

I search again, and I ask for the hotel’s address and zip code and everything I can use to filter my searches, but to no avail; there’s no Aladdin Hotel.

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t find Aladdin Hotel on our system. I’ll do my best now here; can you spell the name of the hotel?”

Caller: “Are you that dumb? It’s A-L-A-D-D-I-N. Aladdin, like the Disney cartoon, Aladdin.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really sorry, but I can’t find that hotel on our system or anywhere.”

Caller: “Oh, my gosh! Connect me to your manager! You are so dumb! Connect me now!”

I connect her to my manager, they do exactly what we did, and they can’t find Aladdin Hotel. My manager connects her back to me and she is now more furious than ever. 

Me: “Ma’am, is it A-L-A-D-D-I-N hotel?”

Caller: “Yes, you idiot!”

She shouts to one of her daughters in the background and says, “How do you spell ‘Aladdin Hotel’? This idiot doesn’t know how to spell!”

Daughter: *In the background* “H-O-L-I—”

Me: “Oh, ma’am, is it the Holiday Inn?“

Caller: “Oh, finally! You get it! Somebody needs to get a more formal education, I see.”

I continued helping her. Unfortunately, it was not $12 a night. Ha!

I am job hunting and have just been invited to my first interview. I have also just been awarded my doctorate and am using my new title on my application. When I arrive at the interview, I am asked to sit in a waiting room with a number of other visitors and prospective job candidates. After a while, a receptionist enters.

Receptionist: “Doctor [My Name], they’re ready for you now.”

I stand up.

Me: “That’s me.”

The receptionist looks at me with a puzzled expression.

Receptionist: “Are you sure you’re Doctor [My Name]? Because you don’t look clever.”

Gee, thanks for the confidence boost just before the interview! She did later try to explain that she was expecting somebody more nerdy-looking.

Related:
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 5
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 4
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 3
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 2
A Most Unreceptive Receptionist

This happened several years ago, but several years after the Bonsai Kitten joke site was already old news. I work as an editor at a small — and not very good — magazine. I get called into the owner’s office.

Owner: “Someone just sent me this link! Did you know that in both New York and Tokyo, a lot of people are buying cats that have been raised in glass jars so they’re completely deformed? This is horrible! You have to write an article about this!”

Me: “Yeah.” *Laughs* “Good one.”

Owner: “What do you mean, ‘Good one’? This is pure torture! How can this be legal?”

Me: *Realising he’s serious* “Oh. No, no, that site is a hoax. That’s not real. It’s a joke.”

Owner: “What do you mean, ‘not real’? There are pictures! How is that funny?”

Me: “Yeah, those are photoshopped. Badly. Intentionally so.”

Owner: “‘Photoshopped’? You can’t change photographs!”

Me: *Pause* “We’re a glossy magazine. You literally pay one of us to fix photographs using Photoshop.”

Owner: “Yeah, but you can’t make a photograph of something that doesn’t exist! Those poor cats!”

I bring up a photoshop contest on his browser.

Me: “Look at this rhino/bumblebee hybrid. Do you think that exists in real life? You can do a lot in Photoshop.”

Owner: *Stunned* “Really?”

Me: “Yes. Also, think about it. The site says bonsai kittens have been hugely popular all over the world for years. If that were true, don’t you think it would be news anywhere else but on this one website?”

Owner: “Huh. Maybe?”

Me: “Right. It’s a joke. It’s in poor taste, maybe, but it’s not real. No actual cats are getting born into glass jars and growing up star-shaped.”

Owner: “I guess…”

At this point, one of our ad sales agents walks in.

Owner: “Hey, did you hear about this bonsai kitten thing?”

Agent: “Oh, yeah, that’s totally real. I talked to some Chinese guy and he confirmed it.”

Owner: “See?!”

Me: “Oh, look, it’s five pm. I need to get home.”

We never ran that article, no thanks to the owner.