Now Hiring: Omniscient Employees

| | Right | February 23, 2009

Me: ¬†”Good morning, this is ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: ¬†”Hi there! ¬†About a month ago you guys had a festival in the
park, right?”

Me: ¬†”Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

Caller: ¬†”No,¬†I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

Me: ¬†”Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

Caller: ¬†”That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. ¬†Do you remember?”

Me: ¬†”No, I don’t, I’m sorry. I just placed the ad.¬†I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

Caller: ¬†”Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

Me: ¬†”Umm, no I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

Caller: ¬†”Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”

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A Bozo By Any Other Name

| | Right | November 19, 2008

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

(The client looks at name on desk; my name’s Hattie.)

Client: “Your name is so stupid.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t help that. It’s not so bad. ”

Client: “Your parents must really hate you.”

Me: “No, I’m sure they don’t. How can I help?”

Client: “I want to check my registration. Name’s Horace Gumptin.”

Me: *stifles giggle*

Client: “Are you laughing at me? Your name rhymes with fattie!”

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Deranged Decades

, | | Right | November 17, 2008

(I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

Me: “Good morning, Dr. ***’s Office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. ***. Can I speak with him?”

Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. ***?”

Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940’s.”

Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. *** wasn’t born at that time.”

Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950’s. It was in the 1950’s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

Caller: “Then it was the 1960’s, d*** it! It was at the [hospital] in Alberta in the 1960’s.”

Me: “Dr. *** has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

Me: “Well, considering that Dr. *** is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Wow…”

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But Daddy, I Don’t Wanna Be An Ad Executive

| | Right | October 29, 2008

Me: “Hello, ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. Yeah, I’m coming into New York next week and I was wondering if you could watch my kid for awhile.”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “I googled ‘entertainment’ and ‘New York’ and your name came up. I saw that you do stuff with Nickelodeon. Where are you guys? Can I just drop her off?”

Me: “Sir, this is an office. We handle transmedia needs for companies like Nickelodeon that want to expand awareness of their media into other formats.”

Caller: “Oh, is that good for kids?”

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Ironically, She’s Applying For A Customer Service Position

| | Right | October 3, 2008

(I work in an employment office where we help people with their resumes. We often send/receive resumes as needed.)

Caller: “Hi, my name is ***. Can you get my resume faxed for me?”

Me: “Where would you like it faxed?”

Caller: “It’s in Drayton Valley, Alberta.”

Me: “Okay, so where in Drayton Valley would you like it sent?”

Caller: “No, no, I need it sent to me HERE. It’s IN Drayton Valley. Someone there has it.”

Me: “Who has it there?”

Caller: “I dunno! Pam… something! She wrote it for me, and I need it! Phone Drayton Valley and get it for me!”

Me: “Miss, Drayton Valley is a TOWN in Alberta. I need the name and number of whatever business or person in that town that has your resume, before I can have it sent here for you.”

Caller: “I know that! Just phone around there! It’s a small town, someone will have it!”

Me: “I can’t exactly go phoning random companies in a town asking if they have your resume.”

Caller: “Well, it’s a small town like here! Someone will have it! Call someone named Pam… something.”

Me: “Okay, look. I either need a company or persons name and their phone number to contact them to ask for it, or I can’t get your resume.”

Caller: “Ugh! But I left my papers at home! Can’t you just phone around?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Caller: “FINE. I’ll have to FIND my papers MYSELF with the number. You’re supposed to be able to get my resume FOR me.”

Me: “Only if I know who to talk to…”

Caller: “Whatever!” *click*

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