I used to work for a smaller company as an accountant and receptionist, so my desk was in the center of everything. It was also a smaller office so we could easily talk to each other.

[Coworker #1] was an older gentleman who by far had the worst luck with technology. One day, he was having issues with his laptop. When I say he had bad luck, I mean that when he would walk into the building, it seemed to affect our computers, as well.

He had to have his laptop reset recently because of something hinky going on, and he had lost all of his bookmarks in Google.

Me: “Did you save the bookmarks on your own Google account?”

Coworker #1: “No, I didn’t.”

Me: “Okay. Then there isn’t much you can do except set them up again or ask [IT Guy] to help you.”

While I was at my desk, I heard [Coworker #1] talking on the phone with his laptop in front of him. I wasn’t paying too much attention to his conversation until I heard:

Coworker #1: “So, if I pay you the $50 you’ll get everything back? How do I know that once I pay you you’ll get out of my laptop?”

My head and [Coworker #2]’s head snapped up at the same time, and we ran over to where [Coworker #1] was sitting. I flipped his laptop around to see that he had let a scammer into his computer, and I could see them running through EVERYTHING. I slapped the laptop shut while [Coworker #2] told [Coworker #1] to get off the phone.

We demanded to know why on earth he thought it was a good idea to Google a random number for IT help and let them into his computer.

Coworker #1: “Our IT was taking too long to call me back. I wanted my bookmarks back!”

Needless to say, he had a lot more to worry about than his precious bookmarks.

The elderly security guard at my office sent me a random video on YouTube. I only took a quick glance at the video, found it a waste of time, and resumed doing my work.

Guard: “Hey, girl, did you see the video I sent you?”

Me: “Oh, not yet, sorry. I haven’t had time.”

Guard: “Go watch it! You’ll be shocked! It was so creepy!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guard: “You don’t think it’s creepy that a girl gave birth to a monkey?”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Guard: “Didn’t you see the video? The girl gave birth to the monkey! It was so disgusting and freaky!”

Me: “That’s not possible. Humans can’t give birth to monkeys.”

Guard: “Yes, she did. The video shows it!”

At this point, I really didn’t want to waste my time arguing with him about this, but I was using the photocopier and he was standing right by the door fixing something, so I couldn’t leave. I tried to end the conversation by downplaying the video. 

Me: “It was probably a hoax or video manipulation. It’s impossible for a human to give birth to a monkey.”

Guard: “There’s no such thing as impossible in this world. There are so many things that you probably haven’t heard of before. You go watch that video; you’ll see it for yourself. She gave birth to a baby that is stunted and tiny, with white hair all over it. Like a monkey.”

Me: *Dismissively* “If that’s the case, then I don’t think it was a monkey. Maybe the woman gave birth to a little person—”

Guard: *Cutting me off* “It was no dwarf! It was a monkey! You go watch the video!”

Later, during my break, I went to watch the video. At this point, I was only doing it so he would stop bothering me about it. The video was a (thankfully short) clip of a young woman bathing a baby monkey and swaddling it in a blanket like a human baby. That was all. It didn’t show her giving birth at all. There was absolutely NOTHING in it that could make someone think that the woman had given birth to a monkey.

Guard: “So, did you see the video?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s just a girl bathing a baby monkey.”

Guard: “Well, it was a newborn. She obviously just gave birth to it! And you see the way she wraps it in the blanket? Why would she do that if it wasn’t her baby?”

Me: “She might be a vet”.

Guard: “No, I tell you, that’s her baby! She gave birth to a freaking monkey!”

I decided to just let it rest. There was no way I could get him to see reason. But this conversation was a real eye-opener on how wild rumours and crazy conspiracy theories get started!

Client: “Yeah, we decided not to pay you that bonus after all.”

Me: “What? We agreed that I would work at this rate, and I did the work as requested. Was there any problem with the work I did during the holiday break?”

Client: “No, we just don’t want to pay the extra money.”

Me: “You can’t do that. You can’t agree to work terms and then change those terms after the work is completed.”

Client: “Yeah, but we didn’t sign a contract or anything.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter. We had a verbal understanding, and I have a chain of emails from you agreeing to the bonus. Plus, I helped you out when you needed it, and I’ve been a reliable freelancer here for two years without any problems. You should honor our agreement for that reason, at the very least. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to sue you.”

Client: “Fine, whatever! I’ll have payroll cut you another check. I mean, it’s not like it’s my money anyway.”

Me: “Which is why I don’t understand why you were trying to cheat me out of it.”

At my mother’s work, they have appointed an ecological transition referent: a person who checks that the employees obey the ecological instructions of their superiors, even the instructions of the ministries.

The ecological transition referent comes to see my mother.

Referent: “Is that your office over there, too?”

Mother: “Yes.”

Referent: “The valve on the heater is not in position 2.5.”

Mother: “No, the radiator is off.”

Referent: “But the instructions say that all the radiators must be on 2.5.”

Mother: “The purpose of this protocol is to save money and to take care of the environment?”

Referent: “Yes.”

Mother: “How can leaving a radiator off in an unoccupied room be less economical and ecological than turning it on?”

Referent: “But those are the instructions!”

My mother spoke about it to the boss who confirmed that it was stupid but that the instructions coming from higher up had to be obeyed. So, there is a heater that heats a room where there is almost never anyone for “ecological” reasons.

I was editing a video for a client and sent a demo version for approval. I’d used an audio track someone else had made. I thought it fit the video nicely and figured the client would sign off on it. The only problem was that because it was a demo of the track, it had an audio watermark; every now and then, the track would say, “Audio network.”

Client: “What’s with this song? The talking is really distracting.”

Me: “It’s a watermark. When we purchase the track, we’ll get a version without it.”

Client: “Well, go ahead and buy it so we don’t have that talking.”

I purchased the track and resent the video with the un-watermarked song.

Client: “I don’t like this song. Can we get a new one?”