You Shall Not Pass

| OR, USA | Liars & Scammers

(I work in an office on my college’s campus. Among other things, we handle transit passes for students and staff. The student pass is a sticker that cannot be refunded unless under very specific circumstances, which are rules we don’t set. This happens on the phone with someone who is clearly faking an accent, since I’ve dealt with her in person before.)

Customer: “I need to return my pass. I didn’t know what it was and was charged too much for it.”

Me: “Ma’am, we quit selling those passes over two months ago. At this point, they’re actually expired. Why didn’t you contact us before now?”

Customer: “I didn’t know I would be charged. No one told me.”

Me: “I find that really unlikely. We train our staff quite well and they would have told you. Plus, we had you sign a form after reading the terms.”

Customer: “I signed nothing! I can’t read English!”

Me: “You should have told us that. We keep the literature in over 20 languages for your convenience. And why did you sign something you knew nothing about?”

Customer: “I didn’t sign anything!”

Me: “Then you wouldn’t have the pass. We require a signature for all passes.”

Customer: “Your employees are incompetent! I want my money back!”

Me: “I find it hard to believe that the person who sold you this wasn’t doing their job right. I know for a fact they’re quite good at it.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because it was the head of our department who’s been working here for over 20 years.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Net-Twerk Support

| MS, USA | Bizarre, Technology

(I call a customer because I have to remote into their computer to check on something. He is an older man I had talked to before and was always very nice. When I get on his computer, I notice a tab still open from YouTube called “how to twerk.” I act like I don’t notice it but he immediately closes it out and says:)

Customer: “Hey, it’s harder than it looks!”

(Not the explanation I was expecting.)

Customers Will Always Find Something To Moan About

| USA | Rude & Risque

(It’s very early in the morning, and I’m having a mild allergic reaction. It causes my face to break out into a very, very itchy rash. Luckily, I have some antihistamines, which I take, but they are not powerful enough to stop the severe itchiness. Scratching it makes it even itchier, so I go to get some ice from the employee freezer and apply it to the rash. This helps, and no one has arrived yet, so I can’t help letting out a moan of relief.)

Me: *applying ice* “Ooh, yeah. Ohhh, yeahhhhh. Ahhhhh!”

(Unknown to me, a customer comes in, hears me, and walks out. The next day, my manager calls me over.)

Manager: “We got a complaint saying that there was no one at the front desk and there were loud moans coming from the back office.”

Me: *explains*

Manager: *looks at my obvious facial rash* “Ooh. I believe you… The customers said that she heard someone having sex in the back office, so I was a little concerned…”

(So I guess moans equals sex now. Nice to know where her head was!)

The Shows Aren’t The Only Thing They’re Missing

| USA | Movies & TV

(Our phone number at work is almost the same as the local cable TV company; just the last two numbers are reversed. I get a lot of calls for them but they usually understand that they dialed incorrectly.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, my cable is out; I need you to come fix it.”

Me: “I am sorry, you have reached [Company], not the cable company.”

Caller: “Okay, but when can you get here to fix my cable?”

Me: “I am sorry, you have the wrong number. [Cable Company] is [Other Number]. If you call them, they can help you.”

Caller: “Okay, here is my address.” *gives me address* “Can you get here soon? I am missing my shows!”

Me: *gives up* “You bet, give us about 15 minutes. Be sure you are standing out on the lawn waving so we can find you easier.”

(She didn’t call back — must still be standing out on the lawn…)

No Cure For That Kind Of Stupid

| MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Popular

(I’m ducked down in my area, rummaging through my purse. My boss is talking to a customer. I take out my prescription bottle, shake one pill into my palm, and swallow it before standing back up.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you just did that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, did what?”

Customer: “You just took drugs, blatantly! And in front of your boss!” *turns to my boss* “What are you going to do about it?”

Boss: “Why would I do anything?”

Customer: “She took a pill! She took a pill right out of her purse and swallowed it!”

Me: “Yes, I did. It’s prescription, though. It was time for my next dose.”

Customer: “This is outrageous!”

Boss: “Sir, I am failing to see the problem. If you saw her take her medicine, then you would have clearly seen that it was a prescription bottle, and I can confirm that her name is on it. She did nothing illegal and I’m not about to stop her from taking her medication.”

Customer: “She shouldn’t do that in front of people. It’s DISGUSTING!” *storms off*

Me: “I… what? What?!”

Boss: *rubbing his head* “Do you have anything in your bag for stupidity? We could hand out free samples.”

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