Loused By The Spouse

| England, UK | Working | July 10, 2013

(One of the women at my office is normally patient and well-spoken. She answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Good morning, this is [company].”

Caller: “Put me through to [managing director].”

Coworker: “Okay, who’s calling, please?”

Caller: “It’s [name]. Put me through, please.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, he doesn’t know anyone by that name.”

Caller: “Look, just put me through, okay?! He called me earlier and asked me to ring him back.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, [name]. What is this regarding?”

Caller: “What’s that got to do with you?! I’m trying to return a call with the managing director.”

Coworker: “It has everything to do with me: I’m also a director of this company; I’m the decision-maker for purchasing and the wife of the managing director—who, by the way, has been out of the country all week, so he didn’t ring you. So, whatever you’re trying to sell, you have lost your chance. Do not bother calling here again!”

(My coworker slams phone down.)

Coworker: “Tosser.”

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A Green-Eyed Bluster

| IL, USA | Working | July 2, 2013

(At my office, two of my co-workers are dating. The male is very nice and polite to me, whereas the female is not so nice.)

Male Coworker: “So wait, that’s why you have that picture as your lock screen photo?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, I mean it’s supposed to be cute, but every time I unlock my phone, I have a mini-heart attack, so I might have to change it soon.”

Female Coworker: *glares*

Male Coworker: “Ha ha… yeah, I’d probably change that too after a while. Uh… so, I’m gonna go grab the next set of items we have to take pictures of. Be back in a bit.”

Female Coworker: *keeps glaring*

Me: “Alright you do that. See you in a bit.”

(After my male coworker leaves, the female coworker speaks to me.)

Female Coworker: “Could you not?!”

Me: “…Could I not what?”

Female Coworker: “I mean, could you not flirt with my boyfriend? You do this all the d*** time and I’m sick and tired of it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was, but I swear I’m not flirting with him.”

Female Coworker: “Uh, yes you were! You always do. Listen, I know he’s hot, but I would appreciate it if you could keep your paws off him.”

Me: “Okay, first of all, I never touched him. Second, he’s in a relationship, which is something I would respect even if I was single. If you were paying attention to our conversation, you would know I’m not single, because third, I was explaining to him why I jumped when I unlocked my phone to check the time, which by the way, is because I have the lock screen on my phone set to a picture of my BOYFRIEND.”

(I show a picture of my boyfriend to my female coworker. Surprisingly, she slaps my phone out of my hand.)

Female Coworker: “Whatever! I know you’re lying! An ugly b**** like you could never actually get a boyfriend. It wouldn’t last more than a month anyways. He’s too good looking for you!”

Me: “We’ve been together for five months, and he’s put up with eight years of my ‘ugliness,’ thank you.”

Female Coworker: “Whatever, w****!”

(At this point, I realize my male coworker has returned and has been listening to our conversation. He finally speaks up.)

Male Coworker: “[Female coworker], I think we need to talk.”

(My coworkers are still together, but the female coworker doesn’t bother me when I have to talk to her boyfriend anymore. She still glares, though!)

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Calling His Bluff

| Newcastle, UK | Working | July 2, 2013

(We’ve recently hired a new administrator. He’s a young man with no previous admin experience, but he’s had a wide voluntary roles and has a fantastic attitude. It’s his second or third day working for us, and he’s manning the phones.)

Admin: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [company name]. This is [admin] speaking.”

Caller: *says something*

Admin: “I’m afraid [manager] is in a meeting right now, but I can take a message and have her call yo—”

Caller: *says something*

Admin: “I’m sorry, but unless it’s an actual matter of life and death, she won’t speak to anyone until after the meeting.”

Caller: *says something*

Admin: “No, my death doesn’t count sir. It wouldn’t cause her enough paperwork.”

(He looks up and sees me laughing and rolls his eyes. The caller is yelling so loudly, that he holds the handset away from his head.)

Admin: “I’m afraid shouting won’t help sir. I can just move the handset away.”

(All of us in the office are curious, so I hold up a sign telling the admin to press the speaker button so we can listen in.)

Admin: *presses speaker button*

Caller:  “—TO ME BOY! I’M HER F***ING BROTHER! PUT ME THROUGH RIGHT NOW!”

(The admin looks at me quizzically to see if the caller is telling the truth. I nod my head side-to-side.)

Admin: “I’m sorry sir, but if you were related to her you would know she doesn’t have a brother.”

Caller: “JUST PUT ME THROUGH, YOU IGNORANT LITTLE S***!”

Admin: “I’m hardly ignorant, sir.”

Caller: “F*** YOU! I’LL HAVE YOUR F***ING JOB FOR THIS!” *hangs up*

Coworker: “Who was that? I’ll have to add him to the caller blacklist.”

Admin: “I think he said he was [name], from [company]?”

Coworker: “[Name]? S***, he could actually get [manager] to fire you. But don’t worry; we’ll tell her what he said, and he won’t know what hit him.”

(When my manager comes out of her meeting, my coworker explains everything. The manager sends the admin home early and leaves early ourself. The next day, however, we discover that my manager visited the rude caller and talked to his boss about his conduct. She also bought a box of chocolates for the admin for, as she put it, “winding that a***hole up so well.”)

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Un-bully-ievable Behavior

| Orlando, FL, USA | Working | July 1, 2013

(I’m a college student interning at a local company. Several coworkers and I are standing in line for a program-wide ice cream social.)

Coworker #1: “The line isn’t even moving.”

Me: “Ugh. This is why high schoolers invent finger games.”

Coworker #2: “Finger games?”

Me: “Yeah, like the one where you tap fingers and… here, I’ll show you.”

(I begin to explain the rules of a simple counting finger game. Several other coworkers get involved. Suddenly, I look up.)

Me: “Oh, the line is moving!”

Coworker #1: “Oh, it did make the time pass faster!”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, I guess it worked!”

Coworker #3: “When I was young we just found a scrawny kid and beat him up when we were bored.”

Not An Authoritarian Relationship

| Office|MI, USA | Romantic | June 17, 2013

Coworker: “You and your boyfriend have been together for a while, haven’t you?”

Me: “16 years.”

Coworker: “Really?! Why haven’t you gotten married yet?”

Me: “I think we’re just secure enough in our relationship, that we’ve never felt the need to involve the authorities.”

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