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Not Gifted In Honesty

, , , , | Working | September 22, 2021

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller] from [Company]. At no obligation to you, would you be interested in hearing about a program for your gifted child?”

Me: “Sure.”

The caller goes on to explain the program. It’s one of those programs where you get activities every month.

Caller: “So, at no obligation to you, would you be interested in receiving the first month’s activities for your gifted child?”

Me: “Sure.”

Caller: “Okay, how many children do you have?”

Me: “Two.”

Caller: “And how old are they?”

Me: “Five and ten years old.”

Caller: “And which one is gifted?”

Me: “Both.”

Caller: “Both?”

Me: “Yes.” 

The ten-year-old is in the gifted program at school. The five-year-old is reading at a fourth-grade reading level and their kindergarten teacher is going to recommend them for the gifted program.

Caller: “Okay.”

The caller continues to take my information.

Caller: “Now I just need your credit card number.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “I need your credit card number.”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “To complete the sign-up for the program.”

Me: “But you said there was no obligation to me.”

Caller: “There isn’t. I just need your credit card number.”

Me: “You said there was no obligation to me.”

Caller: “I need your credit card number to send the program to you.”

Me: “If there is no obligation to me, then I’m not obliged to give you my credit card number. Send me the information and the activity so I can decide if I want to purchase the program.”

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone and then the caller hung up. I never did receive the activity or any information about the program.

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Missed That Opportunity By A Hair(cut)

, , , , , , , | Working | September 22, 2021

I am trying to find regular work after being laid off due to the health crisis. I have a seasonal job through the holidays, but that is only about six weeks of work. Once my contract ends, I decide to use a little bit of the money I made to buy hair dye and dye my hair red; I want it a bit darker but it ends up about the color of Princess Ariel’s hair, but shoulder-length.

After going through FOUR phone interviews spread out over two months, I finally get an in-person interview. I meet the interviewer, she gets me a visitor badge, and we head to her office. After some small talk about traffic and the weather, we sit down in her office. As soon as I sit down, she starts with:

Interviewer: “So, your hair is a problem. It needs to be a natural color.”

Me: “Yeah, I thought that might be the case, but it’s no problem. I can cut it down to my roots. I’ve had short hair before so I know I like it.”

Interviewer: “Oh, I’d feel bad if we made you cut it. You can also dye over it.”

Me: “Yeah, I can’t really dye over this, but it’s okay; I’ve had short hair before.”

We talk for a few minutes about my work experience and such, and she brings it up again.

Interviewer: “I feel bad for making you cut your hair if you get the job, but it’s the policy for no unnatural colors. I feel bad that you can’t dye over it.”

Me: “It’s really okay. I’ve had short hair before. I can even show you a picture if you want.”

Interviewer: “No, that’s not necessary. I just feel bad you have to cut it.”

I reassured her AGAIN that it was fine. We talked about me some more and she brought it up a THIRD TIME. This time, I actually unlocked my phone and started looking through my pictures, but she stopped me and said it was fine, but she just felt so bad I had to cut it. We took a tour of the facilities and she brought it up a FORTH TIME. I didn’t know what else to say at this point, so I just sympathized with her for feeling bad for making me cut my hair. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

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Sometimes Gluttony Comes To Bite You Back

, , , , , , | Working | September 21, 2021

We bring cakes to work for our birthdays. I normally buy plenty as they never seem to last. I joke that it’s like feeding time at the zoo. [Coworker #1] is the worst; she’ll see you come into the office and you can’t even get the cakes out of the shopping bag before she starts eating. Then, she’ll go back several times trying to be sneaky, but she never is.

Honestly, it annoys me at first; she leaves nothing for the other shift, even if I mark up a box for them.

One birthday, as I am leaving, I notice that there are loads left. On my way out, I shout to the next shift that there are some upstairs and to grab what they want, and then I head home.

[Coworker #1] accosts me the next morning.

Coworker #1: “So, it was your birthday yesterday?”

Me: “Good morning, [Coworker #1]. Yes, it was.”

Coworker #1: “So, cakes?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you weren’t here. Yes, there might be something left in the kitchen. I’m not sure if they have been in the fridge or not.”

She mutters something under her breath; I catch something about saving some for her. She comes back in with the remaining boxes.

Coworker #1: “Well, it’s not my favourite, but I guess it’s something.” 

I ignore her. Apparently, she eats the rest of the cakes throughout the morning. She starts complaining more than usual, and then at lunch, she disappears.

Coworker #2: *Looking through the box* “[Coworker #1] doesn’t leave much for anyone else, huh?”

Me: “Oh, don’t eat the cream ones; they have been sitting in a warm kitchen all night.”

Coworker #2: “[Coworker #1] ate two full boxes already!”

Me: “Wow, I wonder if we will see her today.”

She took the next two days off. She blamed me, of course, but no one took her seriously.

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Passive-Aggressive Use Of The Royal “We”

, , , | Working | September 21, 2021

I have a coworker who used to try and get me to do her job. She would always volunteer in private to perform a task and then inform me that “we” were doing it, which just meant me. She was eventually caught and reprimanded for it. Now, like a first-grader who doesn’t want to do their homework, she sits there sulking in an attempt to guilt-trip and/or annoy me into doing whatever she volunteered to do. Instead, I have engaged in taking what she says literally so as not to drive myself crazy.

Today, she wants to “ask” me to pick up a contractor who has been out of the country for three months visiting their mother. I sometimes gave this contractor rides in the past if they missed their bus as they do not have a car.

Coworker: “[My Name], have you been to [Contractor]’s new apartment?”

Me: *Truthfully* “No. I haven’t.”

The keyword is “new.” I have been to their old apartment but I don’t know if or where they moved or if they have been subletting that apartment in their absence.

Coworker: “So, you haven’t been to their new apartment?” 

Me: “No.”

Coworker: “Well, I was just wondering how far away they were and where they were located.”

Me: “Sorry, I cannot help. I do not know where their new apartment is.”

Coworker: “Well, I guess I am just going to have to pick them up once they get back and settled.”

Me: “Okay.”

Coworker: “It is going to be a pain because I live so far away and I have no idea where their new apartment is in conjunction with work. But I don’t want them taking the bus.”

Me: “Sounds like a plan.”

Coworker: “…”

For the record, if the contractor had asked me personally if I could give them a ride, I would’ve said yes. However, said coworker decided to volunteer someone from the company to drive them to be a “good little soldier,” so now she gets to drive them herself!

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Mansplain A Mansplainer And Watch Him Implode

, , , , , | Working | September 21, 2021

I am by no means a professional photographer, but while on vacation, I took a photo of a waterfall and liked it so much that I had a large print made to hang on my office wall. One day, the coworker we’ve secretly dubbed “Actually” Man stops by my office. His superpower is his firm belief in knowing more than everyone else and his inability to keep himself from correcting them, even when they’re not wrong.

Coworker: “Hey, I love the photo of the Lower Falls on your wall.”

I’m filled with internal glee because I know what’s coming.

Me: “That’s the Upper Falls, [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Actually, the Lower Falls are easily identifiable as they’re one of the tallest waterfalls in North America and are surrounded by the distinctive colored rock walls of the canyon.”

Me: “Do you see any distinctively colored rock around those falls?”

Coworker: “No, but I’d recognize the Lower Falls anywhere.”

Me: “Apparently not. Those are the Upper Falls.”

Coworker: *Sneer* “Oh, yeah? And how do you know?”

Me: “Because that’s where I was when I took the photo.”

He stared for a moment and then left my office without another word.

I sent an office message to my other coworkers, bringing out a favorite quote from “The West Wing”: “Victory is mine, people, victory is mine. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. I have rendered ‘Actually’ Man unable to correct!” 

From the office next to me, I heard, “Huzzah!” There was a muffin on my desk when I came back after lunch.

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