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And In One Quick Puff, They Were Gone

, , , , , , | Working | January 12, 2022

Every time the weather gets bad, the staff from the office next door use the alcove under my office window for their smoke breaks. Frankly, it stinks, they never pick up after themselves, and I’m sick of having to hear them loudly gossip and cackle to themselves.

I complained to the building manager and to the other office’s building company, but any change was only temporary. I considered many things that would only get me into trouble. I couldn’t even accidentally spill water on them as there is a lip.

So, I got petty, really petty. Every time I heard them, I recorded who was there and when, and more importantly, for how long.

I requested information about a job vacancy they had open, and soon, I had everything I needed.

I sent my list of all the long breaks the employees were taking. I even had their names as they were so loud. Better yet, because all the email addresses started with “firstname.lastname” and their names were on the “Contact Us” page of their website.

I was able to CC them in.

Suddenly, no one smoked under my window and my office stopped stinking of old smoke.

The Squeaky Wheel May Get The Grease, But…

, , , , , , | Working | January 11, 2022

This happens in my work chat group.

Boss: “I’m naming [My Name] employee of the month.”

Coworker: “Why?! He was on leave the whole month!”

Boss: “Exactly! He’s caused me the least amount of trouble this month!”

How Dare You Assume My Company

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2022

I answer the phones. We mostly get sale inquiries. I get a call early one morning:

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling—”

Caller: *Almost hysterical* “How dare you?! Is your company—” *Garbled* “This is the twenty-first century. How dare you! This is offensive!”

Me: “Miss, please. Let me check that you are calling the right number.”

Caller: *Angry* “Miss? I am not ‘Miss.’ You don’t call me that!”

Me: “Okay, apologies, I misspoke, but I just wanted to check that you had the right number first.”

Caller: “Of course, I have the right number! What, because I’m a woman I must be stupid? Is that what your company thinks?”

Me: “No, not at all, but we often get wrong numbers. This is [Small Company], part of [Group].”

Caller: “Yes, so I did call the right number, huh?!”

Me: “Okay. Please, can you help me understand the nature of the issue?”

Caller: *Calmer* “Your company, your backwards company, has its head stuck up its own a*** and back in the seventeenth century!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but in what regards?”

Caller: *Angry again* “Your website, the box! How dare you assume my gender?! I’m doing the contact page, and the drop-down shows miss!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but are you on the [Company] website?”

Caller: “Yes, of course, I am!”

Me: “[Website] dot com?”

Caller: “Uh…” *Click*

Me: “Boss! I’m going outside, might not be back!”

I did come back, of course, and we blocked and reported her number, which was part of some business.

We’ve Got This Investigation Locked Down

, , , | Working | January 11, 2022

I have been on holiday for two weeks. Not five minutes after stepping into work, I am dragged into a meeting with a woman from Human Resources that I have never met before. She tells me a story of a colleague who took medication from my office that she was allergic to.

Human Resources: “After a thorough investigation, it has been decided that you will be issued a formal written warning.”

Me: “Hold up. I want to make sure I have this right. First: my office can only be unlocked with three keys. One key is on my keyring and was with me during my holiday. The other two are skeleton keys that open any door on this floor. They are in possession of the cleaner and owner of this building. This means that either [Colleague] stole one of those keys, or she entered my office while either the cleaner or owner had it unlocked.”

[Human Resources] is just staring at me blankly, so I continue.

Me: “Second: my desk is locked and both keys are on this keyring—” *points to my keys* “—which means either [Colleague] forced the lock on my desk, or she has access to a key I have no knowledge of.”

Again, a blank stare.

Me: “Third: all the medication I keep in my desk is locked inside a security box, because I am on medication that is controlled, and the only way [Safety Manager] would allow me to keep it here is with that assurance. Again, both keys that can open it are in my possession, so she either broke into the box, or she has access to another key I have no knowledge of, which I can’t even imagine how she would have gotten. And fourth: she found a box labelled ibuprofen and wilfully took it, knowing she was allergic.”

Human Resources: “She didn’t know she was allergic. She only just found out at the hospital.”

Me: “Oh, no, she did know. Everyone in this office knows. Every time she has a headache, she asks people for what they have and tells us every time, without fail, that she is allergic.”

[Human Resources] has pressed her lips together so hard they’re practically a line.

Me: “So, after all this, I am the one being written up? What else could I have done prevent this?”

Human Resources: *After a long pause* “I’ll look further into this.”

Me: “Cool. Either [Colleague] is secretly a spy, or she is lying through her teeth.”

After the meeting, I checked my office top to bottom. No evidence of tampering, and it looked like every pill in my box was accounted for. So much for “a thorough investigation”.

Germans Don’t Joke About Sports

, , , , , , | Working | January 10, 2022

I work for a small company in an “at-will” state, meaning you can be fired at any time and the person firing you doesn’t have to give a reason. The owner of the company is of German descent, though this isn’t publicly known; I know it because he grew up on the same block I did and our families are friends.

We’re all eating lunch together in the break room and watching a tennis tournament on the TV. A German player loses, and one of my coworkers speaks up.

Coworker: “That must be one sour Kraut.”

Owner: “[Coworker], you’re fired.”