(Note: this is an office supply store.)
Customer: “Do you sell condiments?”
Me: *confused* “Condiments? Like ketchup and mustard? No.”
Customer: “No, like, plastic forks.”
Me: “You mean… cutlery?”
Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”
Me: “No, we don’t sell cutlery either…”
(A customer comes to my till with two boxes of envelopes.)
Me: “Do you need stamps for your envelopes?”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “Do you need stamps for your envelopes?”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “Do you need stamps?”
Customer: *stares*
Me: “For your envelopes?”
Customer: “What are stamps?”
Me: “Mailing stamps… for your envelopes.”
Customer: *stares*
Me: “To mail your envelopes.”
Customer: “Oh. No.”
(I have been helping a fifty-sixty-year-old woman find a specific type of pen.)
Customer: “You know why I came to this [Store]? I came here because of your energy. I am your guardian angel.”
Me: “Oh… um, okay.”
Customer: “I sense great things from you. You are a fifth-level warrior goddess.”
Me: “Thank you?”
Customer: “I’m serious! You are Cleopatra reincarnate. Prince Albert reincarnate. Queen Elizabeth, the good one. You have an amazing energy!”
Me: “That’s pretty awesome.”
Customer: “You are a warrior goddess! Since I am your guardian, I can give you guidance, is there anything you want to know?
Me: “I’m really okay.”
(She then takes her Native American style beaded necklace and puts it on my forehead.)
Customer: “You are now blessed!”
Me: “Thank you. Do you need anything else?”
Customer: “Where are the padlocks?”
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(I approach a confused-looking woman standing in the ink cartridge aisle.)
Me: “How are you today, ma’am? Can I help you find the correct ink?”
Customer: “Yeah, thank you.”
Me: “Do you know which cartridge or what model printer you have?”
Customer: “No, but it’s one of these.”
(There are literally hundreds of ink cartridges in this aisle.)
Me: “Could you be a little more specific?”
Customer: “Well, it takes black…”
(I notice a very well-dressed woman checking out laptops.)
Me: “Can I help you with anything, ma’am?”
Customer: “Yes, please. Could you tell me about the facial password feature on these laptops?”
Me: “Sure. Certain laptops we carry can use the webcam to recognize several facial features unique to each person. Eye distance, mouth width, things like that.”
Customer: “Well then, that’s it.”
Me: “Ma’am?”
Customer: “The apocalypse is coming.”
Me: “The apocalypse?”
Customer: “Yes. See, the Bible says that when the government starts taking over our personal lives, the apocalypse will come.”
Me: “Ma’am, this has nothing to do with the government. It’s just another security feature.”
(She pats me on the shoulder.)
Customer: “That’s okay, son. I speak to God every day. I’m glad to know that when I’m up in heaven, you’ll be down here burning in Hell.”
