Not The Sharpest Pair Of Scissors

| OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

Customer: “Where’s your skidders at?

Me: “I’m sorry, the what?”

Customer: “Skidders. Skid. Ers. Where they at? I can’t find ’em anywhere.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can tell you where just about anything in this store is, but I’m not sure I’m familiar with skidders. What are they used for? What do they look like?”

Customer: “Ugh. SKIDDERS! God, you’re dumb.”

Me: “No, I’m not. We just don’t carry skidders here. Sorry.”

Customer: *making a scissoring motion with his fingers* “Skidders! Where. Are. Your. Skidders. You cut paper with ’em. Jesus!”

Me: “Oh, you mean SCISSORS? They’re actually right here. Right in front of you. This whole eight-foot section is nothing but scissors.”

Customer: “Well, I call ’em skidders. God, you’re dumb.”

(How am I supposed to know what you want when you make up your own words for things and can’t see what’s right in front of you?)

Expiration Explanation

| USA | Crazy Requests

(I have a customer who wants to return a task chair she’d purchased for $39.99 because it is broken. She proudly tells me she still has her receipt. It is dated FOUR YEARS earlier.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our return policy is 30 DAYS, and unfortunately the manufacturer’s warranty wouldn’t have been more than a year.”

Customer: *very upset* “Well, I insist you should give me a refund or a new chair. I kept my receipt! I should be able to get a refund or a return since it’s broken!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but our return policy is only 30 days and your receipt says you purchased this four years ago.”

(Now, if I bought a chair for $40, sat in it for four years, and it broke, I’d feel like I got my money’s worth, but not this lady.)

Customer: “This is just so unfair! I drove two hours to bring this broken chair back to the store. It’s going to cost me $80 in gas round trip!”

(This was a FORTY DOLLAR chair. Even if we HAD been able to give her a refund, she would have been in the hole forty dollars…)

Can’t Break Free Of The ‘Get One Free’ Cycle

| ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Money

Customer: “That’s wrong; the photo paper is buy one get one free.”

Me: “It is buy one get one free.”

Customer: “Then why is it coming up at $17?”

Me: “Because that’s how much the photo paper is. It’s $17 each but you got two for $17.”

Customer: “No, it’s $11.”

(I ask my coworker to check the sign for me.)

Customer: “And it’s supposed to be buy one get one free!”

Me: “It is buy one get one free.”

(My coworker calls me to say that the sign says FROM $11 so I explain that to the customer, but he doesn’t understand, so I take him to the aisle to show him.)

Me: “See, this sign advertising the buy one get one free, is saying that the prices START at $11. That doesn’t mean they are all $11. The paper you picked has its own sign here, see? It says it’s $17.”

Customer: “But it says $11 on this sign! They lie!”

Me: “No, it says FROM $11. That means that the photo paper on for Buy One Get One Free is $11 or more. The one you picked is $17.”

Customer: “And it isn’t buy one get one free?”

Me: Yes, it is. All the [Brand] photo paper packs are buy one get one free.”

Customer: “Well which one is $11?”

Me: “The 4×6. You have 8×10.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll just get one, then.”

Me: “Why would you only get one? It’s buy one get one free.”

Customer: “Because you said it wasn’t!”

Me: “No, I didn’t. I just said that it wasn’t $11.”

Customer: “NO! You told me that the paper I wanted wasn’t buy one get one free!”

Me: “I never once said that. I told you repeatedly that the paper you wanted was still buy one get one free.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, why didn’t you tell me earlier?!”

Tax Is Never Rewarding

| Houston, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Money

(A customer is buying two reams of paper for $10.)

Me: “Do you have a rewards card with us, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I do. My phone is [phone number].”

Me: “Okay, thank you. Your total is $10.83.”

Customer: “Why are you charging me 83 cents?”

Me: *I want to look at him like he’s dumb* “Taxes?”

Customer: “Then what is that rewards card for? Shouldn’t it take off the taxes?”

All Or Nothing

| Roanoke, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers, Money, Popular

(A new general manager started a week ago. There is one customer who will often come to our to use the printing services. He has big orders pulled together, then returns a week later, looks at some of the order, pays for some of it and takes what he wants, leaving the remainder untaken and unpaid. The new general manager sees fit to change this.)

Guy:“I have this order I need done as soon as possible, I’ll return next week to take care of it.”

General Manager: “Certainly; however, we’re going to have to ask that you clear your balance first.”

Guy: “Clear my balance? What the h*** are you talking about?!”

General Manager: “Well, sir, you’ve been using the printing services for quite awhile, and it appears that you’re only picking up parts of your orders, leaving the rest here. Paying for what you want, leaving the rest. That isn’t happening anymore. If you want an order, we’re happy to make it for you, but you’re paying for all of it.”

Guy: “That’s bull-s***! I’ve been coming here for YEARS and no one has ever given me that type of attitude. I demand to speak to your manager!”

General Manager: *smiling* “Sir, I AM the new general manager. As I’ve said, you’ve been coming for YEARS and have left us with several hundred dollars worth of unpaid work, which is loss for us. Your total for all the work yet to be unpaid is $XXX.XX and that will be paid before any further work is completed.”

Guy: “No, forget this. Screw you. This is ridiculous. I’ve been a paying customer for years and you want to treat me this way?! You’ve lost my business!”

(The guy proceeds to storm out of the store. About three hours later, he calls back to further harass the general manager. Among the conversation was this particular line:)

Guy: *on phone* “And I’ll have you know, I was so upset, I had to come home and take two Valium to calm down!”

(That general manager is still, to this day, my hero.)

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