icon_ruderisque

Customers Will Always Find Something To Moan About

| USA | Rude & Risque

(It’s very early in the morning, and I’m having a mild allergic reaction. It causes my face to break out into a very, very itchy rash. Luckily, I have some antihistamines, which I take, but they are not powerful enough to stop the severe itchiness. Scratching it makes it even itchier, so I go to get some ice from the employee freezer and apply it to the rash. This helps, and no one has arrived yet, so I can’t help letting out a moan of relief.)

Me: *applying ice* “Ooh, yeah. Ohhh, yeahhhhh. Ahhhhh!”

(Unknown to me, a customer comes in, hears me, and walks out. The next day, my manager calls me over.)

Manager: “We got a complaint saying that there was no one at the front desk and there were loud moans coming from the back office.”

Me: *explains*

Manager: *looks at my obvious facial rash* “Ooh. I believe you… The customers said that she heard someone having sex in the back office, so I was a little concerned…”

(So I guess moans equals sex now. Nice to know where her head was!)

icon_moviestv

The Shows Aren’t The Only Thing They’re Missing

| USA | Movies & TV

(Our phone number at work is almost the same as the local cable TV company; just the last two numbers are reversed. I get a lot of calls for them but they usually understand that they dialed incorrectly.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, my cable is out; I need you to come fix it.”

Me: “I am sorry, you have reached [Company], not the cable company.”

Caller: “Okay, but when can you get here to fix my cable?”

Me: “I am sorry, you have the wrong number. [Cable Company] is [Other Number]. If you call them, they can help you.”

Caller: “Okay, here is my address.” *gives me address* “Can you get here soon? I am missing my shows!”

Me: *gives up* “You bet, give us about 15 minutes. Be sure you are standing out on the lawn waving so we can find you easier.”

(She didn’t call back — must still be standing out on the lawn…)

icon_extrastupid

No Cure For That Kind Of Stupid

| MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Popular

(I’m ducked down in my area, rummaging through my purse. My boss is talking to a customer. I take out my prescription bottle, shake one pill into my palm, and swallow it before standing back up.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you just did that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, did what?”

Customer: “You just took drugs, blatantly! And in front of your boss!” *turns to my boss* “What are you going to do about it?”

Boss: “Why would I do anything?”

Customer: “She took a pill! She took a pill right out of her purse and swallowed it!”

Me: “Yes, I did. It’s prescription, though. It was time for my next dose.”

Customer: “This is outrageous!”

Boss: “Sir, I am failing to see the problem. If you saw her take her medicine, then you would have clearly seen that it was a prescription bottle, and I can confirm that her name is on it. She did nothing illegal and I’m not about to stop her from taking her medication.”

Customer: “She shouldn’t do that in front of people. It’s DISGUSTING!” *storms off*

Me: “I… what? What?!”

Boss: *rubbing his head* “Do you have anything in your bag for stupidity? We could hand out free samples.”

icon_religion

Church Of Death

| USA | Religion

(I’ve been hired to do some phone-banking. I’m given a list of names and numbers.)

Me: “Hello, is [Name] there?”

Customer: *pause* “She died last week.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that…”  *hangs up*

Coworker: “What happened?”

Me: “I just had a very awkward conversation.”

Coworker: “It’ll get better, I promise.”

(I dial the next number.)

Me: “Hello, is [Name] there?”

Customer #2: “What?”

Me: “I’m calling on behalf of—”

Customer #2: “Are you kidding? It’s Sunday! It’s my church day! You can’t do this!” *hangs up*

Me: “Yup, I don’t think it’s getting better…”

icon_checkout

Gone Acrobatty

| USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body

(I’m helping a woman and her toddler, and the computer is taking an unusually long time processing her order.)

Me: “Sorry, it’ll just be a while.”

Woman: “No problem.” *to toddler* “I’ll just put you down, okay?”

(As she bends over, I see an impatient-looking couple behind her. As she fusses with her child, the couple does an acrobatic trick that makes it look like they’re making out on TOP on the woman, from my angle. The woman then straightens up, not noticing, and they straighten up, too. This happens over and over a few times. The toddler has gone quiet. Finally, the printer prints out the woman’s receipt.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Woman: “Thanks!” *to toddler* “Come on.”

(They left, the toddler staring at the couple with a grin. The couple acted like nothing strange had happened. Maybe they really were acrobats?)

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