Perfect For Some Quantum Coffee

, , , , , , | Related | January 4, 2019

(It’s my first year living in a college residence. My mom is over, and I’m packing some stuff to take back home for the holidays. Among them is a mug, a replica of one that appears in a webcomic I am a big fan of. In the comic, the mug is seemingly indestructible.)

Mom: “You’re taking your mug?”

Me: “Of course! It’s the Captain’s Mug!”

Mom: “But you know you have a lot of mugs at home, right?”

Me: “IT’S THE CAPTAIN’S MUG.”

Mom: “Okay, I’m just worried that it’ll break on the–“

Me: “Captain’s Mug is indestructible! It can survive a black hole!”

Mom: “I’d like to wrap it in some–“

Me: “IT CAN SURVIVE A SINGULARITY!”

Conversation So Weird You Could Just Die

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2018

(I’m sitting in a common area near the learning commons, and I end up overhearing parts of a conversation between two girls and a boy.)

Girl #1: *just arriving* “I feel better now. My migraine’s gone.”

Girl #2: “Yay!”

Boy: “Did you do the test?”

Girl #1: “No, I went home and died. It was super effective!”

(Later on, they start talking about babies and families.)

Girl #1: “My parents thought they couldn’t have children, so they adopted me. A year later, my brothers were born!”

(Later:)

Girl #2: “My mom didn’t go into labour with me; I was in fetal distress…” *blah blah* “…so if Mom had given birth to me naturally, I would’ve strangled myself on my umbilical cord!” *blah blah* “…and they had to cut my head open!”

Don’t Even Think About It

, , , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2018

(I am taking an Abnormal Psychology course. Our professor is discussing delusions of grandeur.)

Professor: “There was a man who said he could turn his fridge on and off, just by thinking about it.”

(The class chuckles. When the professor starts speaking again, his microphone has shut off.)

Professor: “It sounds odd, and we snicker, but it makes you wonder—” *pauses, looks down at his microphone*

(Everyone laughs.)

Student: “I did that!”

New Addition To The Millennium Trilogy: The Girl With The Twitter Account

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 7, 2018

(It’s Halloween night. I live in college residence, so a lot of people are trick-or-treating with their neighbours, and milling around to check out each other’s costumes and decorations. I bump into one of my roommate’s friends. She’s dressed a bit punk or goth, but not as a costume.)

Roommate’s Friend: *joking* “I’m dressed as a serial killer.”

Me: *looking at her outfit* “No, you’re dressed as Lisbeth Salander!”

(Lisbeth Salander is the protagonist of the Millennium trilogy, most famously “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.”)

Roommate’s Friend: “Yeah! Wait… How did you… Have you been stalking my Twitter?”

Me: *confused* “No?”

Roommate’s Friend: “Then… How did you know I… said that I…”

Me: “I didn’t…”

Roommate’s Friend: “Then how did you know I look like Lisbeth Salander?”

Me: “Because I’ve read the book and seen the movie?”

Roommate’s Friend: “Oh! I thought you were stalking my Twitter, because I literally just posted, ‘If anyone asks, I’m dressed as Lisbeth Salander.'”

Unfiltered Story #109187

, , | Unfiltered | April 22, 2018

(I’m working the closing shift at a frozen yogurt shop. At around 7 pm, the phone rings, and I answer with my usual greeting.)

Me: “Good evening, [Shop Name] [Location], this is [My Name] speaking, how can I help you?”

(The caller sounds like an adolescent or young adult woman.)

Woman: *loudly* “Is this [Shop Name]?”

Me: “Yes, this is [Shop Name] [Location].”

Woman: “Is it healthy there?”

(While people like to consider frozen yogurt and sorbet a healthiER alternative to ice cream, I would hesitate to call our products “healthy”.)

Me: “…Healthy in what regard?”

Woman: “Like, healthier than CC Swirls?”

(CC Swirls is another Canadian frozen yogurt shop, but up to that point I’d never heard of it.)

Me: “Than…what, sorry?”

Woman: “CC Swirls.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know what that is, so I can’t offer a comparison.”

Woman: “How dare you.”

(I assume she’s joking, and laugh. I’m starting to suspect this is a prank call, but since she isn’t doing any harm and I have nothing better to do, I stay on the line.)

Woman: “I guess it’s probably a bit better.”

Me: “Well, you’re always welcome to come in and check everything out, if you’d like.”

Woman: “Is this Oakville?”

Me: “Yes, we are located in Oakville, at the intersection of [Street Name] and [Street Name].”

Woman: “Good for you.”

Me: “…Thanks?”

Woman: “So are you hiring?”

(We have literally just hired a new employee, and are probably not looking to hire more just yet.)

Me: “I think we may have just hired someone, but we are always happy to take resumes.”

Woman: “Okay. How old do you have to be to work there?”

Me: “I’m not sure how old you have to be to actually work here, but to be given a key for opening or closing you have to be 16 years old.”

Woman: “Okay. I’m 21 –”

(I wonder to myself if she honestly thinks there’s any normal job, let alone a job selling frozen yogurt, whose minimum age requirement is that high.)

Woman: “– and I used to work at –”

(The call suddenly cuts out. Since I’ve known this phone to give us trouble, I don’t know if it was a problem on either of our ends, or if she hung up.)

Me: “Hello? Are you there? …I’m sorry; if you’re there, I’m afraid I can’t hear you, and you’ll have to call back.”

(There is the sound of the call being dropped, and then a dial tone. There were no more calls the rest of the night. I don’t know if it was a prank call or if that woman was just very strange, but it was certainly amusing!)

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