(Working at a home for the elderly, it’s pretty usual that religion is a an everyday topic. On this particular day I am serving one of our more conservative residents. I am a bisexual woman.)

Resident #1: *in regard to the recent upheld ban on gay marriage* “It’s a d*** good thing they aren’t letting those f*** get married. They’ll d*** us all to Hell! It’s not Godly!” *to me* “Don’t you think, dear?”

Me: “I think God loves all his children no matter what.”

Resident #1: *shocked look* “You’re one of them aren’t you?!”

(Resident #1 proceeds to throw a pamphlet about finding Jesus at me while quoting bible verses. I don’t really comment as I’m not supposed to with the more senile residents. Another resident sees this and voices her own opinion.)

Resident #2: “Oh, good lord, [Resident #1], won’t you take your cranky bigoted be-hind elsewhere and stop bothering this lovely young lady.”

Resident #1: *wheeling away in terror* “You’ll burn in Hell for supporting her!”

Resident #2: “I’ll be sure to save you a seat on the ride down!” *to me* “Don’t mind her, dear. She’s just mad because her husband left her for a man years ago.”

Me: “I, uh… thank you.”

(Now I always make sure to give Resident #2 extra of her favorite dessert!)

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(While at a family Christmas function at a nursing home, a couple of girls around my age (mid-twenties) notice my ‘Dr. Who’ backpack and we strike up a conversation.)

Me: “So who’s your favorite doctor?”

Girl #1: “I think… the second one?”

Girl #2: “Yeah… the good looking one.”

(They had briefly mentioned they were new to the series, so I was hesitant to ask them this question.)

Me: “Do you mean… David Tennant?”

Girl #1: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

Me: “He’s a good one; one of my personal favorites as well.”

(I wasn’t sure how to break it to them that Tennant wasn’t the second doctor. But I figured if they watched the show long enough they’d figure it out on their own.)

(Our nursing home has a group of volunteers that often help the nurses during meals and do most of the activities with the residents. This sometimes causes visitors to try to get the volunteers to do things they aren’t allowed to, or things even nurses aren’t allowed to do such as give medication at inappropriate times or give extra medication when residents go on holidays with the family. In this case I exit the elevator and hear an argument.)

Visitor: “I don’t see what the problem is; I want to take my mother to [Local Restaurant] but I need her medication. Now, go get them.”

Volunteer: “Ma’am, I’d love to, but I can’t. I don’t know which medication your mother needs nor the exact dosage. You’ll have to speak to a nurse about that.”

Visitor: “You ARE a nurse. You work here. Stop being lazy and go get my mother’s pills!”

Volunteer: *notices me and points at me* “I’m not a nurse, but [My Name] is. If you ask her she can check which medication your mother needs and give them to you.”

Visitor: “If you’re not a nurse then why are you in my mother’s room?”

Volunteer: “I was picking her up to go to the dining room; neither of us were aware you were going to come and pick her up. Now, since [My Name] is here she can help you with the medication. I’ll go and take other residents to the dining room.”

(At this point the resident opens her door.)

Visitor: “You stop right there. I demand you do your job and get me those pills and then go get your manager or whatever so I can complain about you!”

(Before anyone can say or do a thing the mother speaks up.)

Resident: “God d*** it. Can you not embarrass me for once? First off, I don’t need medication during lunch!, Second of all, we agreed to go out for lunch tomorrow, and third of all if you don’t apologize to [Volunteer] right now I’ll go out for lunch with her instead of you!”

Visitor: *mumbles and checks her phone, then runs away after yelling “I’m sorry”*

Resident: “[Volunteer], you’re free tomorrow?”

Volunteer: “I am”

Resident: “Good. If you want, pick me up at 11 and we’ll go to [Local Restaurant].”

(I’m a nurse in a nursing home. I have done a special course and now I can test my coworkers on their knowledge and use of our protocols in our field, such as bladder catheterization, Intramuscular injections, etc. A coworker and I are moving one of our mannequins, which we use for the tests. The mannequin is in a large and very heavy bag.)

Coworker: “Wow, this thing is bloody heavy; could you give me a hand?”

Me: “Sure, but I thought you said you could do it on your own?!”

Coworker: “Yeah, well. I wanted to impress you, but I guess I can’t.”

(We’re now carrying the bag between us through the main hall.)

Supervisor: “Looks heavy. What’s in the bag?”

Me: “A body.”

Supervisor: “Okay. Make sure no one will ever find it, will you?”

Me: “Sure thing, and if they do, please back me up and tell them [Coworker] did it.”

Supervisor: “I sure will.”

Coworker: “Hey…”

(My boyfriend is visiting my family with me, and we go to visit my very infirm grandmother. She cannot see or hear very well, and is confined to wheelchair. She was always a difficult person, but her declining health has only exacerbated this. My dad, her son, has a very dry sense of humor, and a very, erm, unique way of coping with her.)

Grandmother: “I don’t understand why I can’t just go home.”

Dad: *having to yell to be understood* “Ma, I took you home once. You couldn’t get in the door. You can’t live on your own.”

Grandmother: “Oh, that was just a bad day! Besides, [Aunt] will take care of me!”

Dad: *still yelling so she can hear* “Ma, [Aunt] can’t be there 24/7…”

Grandmother: “I just don’t understand why everyone is so mean to me!”

Dad: *in a normal speaking voice* “It’s because you’re such a b****.”

(My boyfriend gave me a somewhat horrified look, but my grandmother didn’t hear a word of that response. My dad made several more such comments while we were there, every one perfectly understandable to everyone but his mother!)

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