Every-Body Heard You

| Working | June 15, 2016

(I’m a nurse in a nursing home. I have done a special course and now I can test my coworkers on their knowledge and use of our protocols in our field, such as bladder catheterization, Intramuscular injections, etc. A coworker and I are moving one of our mannequins, which we use for the tests. The mannequin is in a large and very heavy bag.)

Coworker: “Wow, this thing is bloody heavy; could you give me a hand?”

Me: “Sure, but I thought you said you could do it on your own?!”

Coworker: “Yeah, well. I wanted to impress you, but I guess I can’t.”

(We’re now carrying the bag between us through the main hall.)

Supervisor: “Looks heavy. What’s in the bag?”

Me: “A body.”

Supervisor: “Okay. Make sure no one will ever find it, will you?”

Me: “Sure thing, and if they do, please back me up and tell them [Coworker] did it.”

Supervisor: “I sure will.”

Coworker: “Hey…”

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Has No Difficulty Hearing Your Difficult Personality

| Related | June 8, 2016

(My boyfriend is visiting my family with me, and we go to visit my very infirm grandmother. She cannot see or hear very well, and is confined to wheelchair. She was always a difficult person, but her declining health has only exacerbated this. My dad, her son, has a very dry sense of humor, and a very, erm, unique way of coping with her.)

Grandmother: “I don’t understand why I can’t just go home.”

Dad: *having to yell to be understood* “Ma, I took you home once. You couldn’t get in the door. You can’t live on your own.”

Grandmother: “Oh, that was just a bad day! Besides, [Aunt] will take care of me!”

Dad: *still yelling so she can hear* “Ma, [Aunt] can’t be there 24/7…”

Grandmother: “I just don’t understand why everyone is so mean to me!”

Dad: *in a normal speaking voice* “It’s because you’re such a b****.”

(My boyfriend gave me a somewhat horrified look, but my grandmother didn’t hear a word of that response. My dad made several more such comments while we were there, every one perfectly understandable to everyone but his mother!)

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The Mother Of All Worries

| Right | August 7, 2015

(I am assisting a 92-year-old male patient.)

Me: “Come on, young fella, you can do this!”

Patient: “Hah, young? I could have been your father!” *adding mischievously* “Your mother wouldn’t want that, though.”

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Foul Weather Today

| Right | August 7, 2015

(I am a nurse helping a patient using the toilet. He is 92 years old. I come to help him get dressed and off the toilet.)

Me: “So… did you manage to do what you were going to?”

Patient: “There was lots of wind, but no precipitation!”

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Assisted Living Needs Assistance

| Working | July 3, 2015

(We have a new hire who is in his early 20s, but still can’t grasp the simple tasks which only includes domestic tasks in a home and assisting aged clients. He is working as a support staff for my coworker who has  just returned from leave and has never worked with him before. She is already getting annoyed with the new hire as he keeps forgetting things and she has to keep repeating instructions. He also doesn’t own a car and gets dropped off and picked up by his parents.)

Coworker: “[New Hire], why don’t you get [Client] out to the driveway and help him wash the car? He loves to do that”.

New Hire: “Sure…” *pauses* “Is there a hose somewhere?”

Coworker: “It’s just off the side of the house, near the front.”

New Hire: *comes back 10 minutes later* “The hose won’t reach the car. What do I do?”

Coworker: “Then grab a bucket. I don’t think we have proper car washer or wax so just use dish-washing liquid to soap it up”.

New Hire: *leaves and returns with bottle of disinfectant* “Will this do?”

Coworker: “….That’s not dish-washing liquid. Grab the one in the kitchen, and the bucket is in the laundry.”

(The coworker goes to the driveway, 30 minutes later, to find the new hire standing there looking dumbfounded with the dry sponge in his hand.)

Coworker: “Don’t you know how to wash a car?”

New Hire: “Yeah I do, but not like this… I just spray with a hose.” *just as he says this, his parents pulled up into the driveway* “Oh my ride’s here 10 minutes early… Is it all right if I go?”

Coworker: *rubbing her temples* “…Just, just go…”

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