My daughter had newborn jaundice and required in-home treatment with “bili lights,” a form of phototherapy that uses UV light to break down the excess bilirubin that causes the jaundice. (It worked great; she was fine within a few days.) A lot of newborns have jaundice due to their livers not quite being in gear yet, but not all have so much that they need treatment. A nurse was at our home to set up the equipment and show us how to use it, and they took a look at the medical notes the doctor had taken.

It’s also important for the story to know that two people with type O blood can’t have a biological child with any blood type other than O: they have no A or B antigens to pass on. O indicates the absence of antigens.

Nurse: *To me* “Oh, I see that your blood type is O. Well, that could explain the jaundice! When a baby has a different blood type than the mother, the baby can end up jaundiced.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s it.”

Nurse: “It’s a common cause of jaundice.”

Me: “My husband is also O. And unless I have some serious gaps in my memory, he’s the only possible father. If our daughter isn’t O, then there are a lot more things to explain.”

Nurse: “Ah, I see. Well, you said she had some bruising from the birth; bruising can elevate jaundice levels, too.”

A later lab test confirmed that my daughter — like me, my husband, and all our children — is O+.

I’m getting some X-rays on a suspected dislocated ankle.

Nurse: “Do you have anything metal implanted in your body, any pins or surgical plates, copper birth control, anything like that?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “None whatsoever.”

Nurse: “You know, one time I had someone tell me there was zero percent chance she was pregnant — she insisted on it — and it turns out she was about three months along. She swore we were making it up, but we delivered her baby about six months later.”

Me: “I wonder why she was so adamant that she couldn’t be pregnant. Was she older? Just thought the time she could get pregnant was behind her?”

Nurse: “No, she was about your age, married, and came in complaining of nausea and classic pregnancy symptoms. I was new but my first thought was, ‘Oh, she’s pregnant,’ and then I thought I shouldn’t say that in case she wasn’t. I always get annoyed when people assume I’m pregnant any time my stomach does something odd, and I didn’t want to do that to her. But now I’m always wary of people who insist they aren’t pregnant and their symptoms line up.”

Me: “Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m married to another woman, and the last surgery I had removed my uterus, so there’s definitely a zero-percent chance of me being pregnant.”

Nurse: *Laughing* “And I don’t think dislocated ankles are a pregnancy symptom.”

Me: “Man, that would be a sucky way to find out you’re pregnant. Congrats on the news! Sorry about your ankle…”

My boyfriend is recovering after emergency surgery. As he had a spinal block, he needs more time to recover from the anesthetic. He has just regained full function a couple of hours after the operation is finished when a (male) nurse comes into the room. It’s about 11:00 at this time. Normally, someone would only need thirty minutes or so if they used a general anesthetic, which my boyfriend opted out of.

Nurse: “You guys need to leave.”

I’m here as support and to take down all instructions as my boyfriend is understandably a bit out of it.

Me: “Why?”

Nurse: “We are about to get very busy. You need to leave so we have this bed free.”

We are in the A and E department (emergency room). There are a few private rooms at the end of the corridor with the waiting room at the other end as it’s a small hospital. I literally stick my head out the door, look right, and look left. There is not a sound or another soul except us three.

I turn to look at the nurse, who stares at me and says:

Nurse: “What are you waiting for?”

It was the most unprofessional discharge I have experienced. What kind of emergency was going to occur on a Thursday morning that would require the entire A and E?

My boyfriend had a little accident at work today and needed some stitches. While we were waiting in the emergency room, a car stopped right at the entrance. We assumed they had someone disabled in the car and just wanted to load them out real quick and then find parking. 

It turned out to be a woman alone. She got out and walked inside.

A nurse filling out paperwork with us shouted at her:

Nurse: “You cannot park there! That is for ambulances bringing in emergencies!”

Woman: “I will just be a minute. I just have a few questions.”

While she said that, she kept walking.

Nurse: “Be that as it may, this is for ambulances only. Seriously, you need to move your car away!”

The woman just waved her hands like swatting away an annoying fly and started to walk faster,

Then, the nurse suddenly talked in a very hushed voice so that only we could hear her but the woman could not.

Nurse: “We have our own tow car that can be here in two or three minutes. Move away now, or your car is gone by the time you return.”

If a car is blocking an emergency entrance or exit this can cost lives, so they are not messing around, even when most of the time they only tow people parking in the disabled spaces for no reason.

Then, she winked at us.

Nurse: “You both heard me warning her, right?”

Me: “Yes, loud and clear; you warned her that she would get towed.”

The nurse called security on her radio, and within two minutes, they were there hooking the woman’s car up.

We were still waiting when I suddenly heard a screech.

Woman: “YOU B****! WHERE IS MY CAR?! I HAVE PLACES TO BE!”

Nurse: “Security is on their way; they will explain to you where it is.”

Woman: “They’d better bring my car, or I will call the police for theft!”

The nurse looked up and could see that security was already almost behind the woman.

Nurse: “I was calling after you telling you that you cannot park there. This is for emergency vehicles. But you ignored me even when I shouted after you that you will be towed and that this will be an expensive mistake.”

The woman lost it and tried lunging at the nurse, but the nurse just stepped back and security grabbed her, so she hit the security guard instead. They tackled her and called the police.

To make a long story short, the police came, and we told them the nurse shouted after the woman that this was for emergency vehicles only and that she would be towed several times, but the woman did not listen.

The woman got arrested for assault and a whole bunch of other stuff. The nurse later brought us to the examining room and told us the assault was probably her biggest mistake. She only wanted to teach the woman a lesson by making her pay for the towing, but since they had to call the cops, she will also get a ticket for blocking the entrance to an emergency room, and the fine for that is a lot higher than just the towing. Plus all the charges.

My boyfriend got his stitches and is just fine now.

I work in a daycare, and I usually have a pretty strong immune system. But I start feeling under the weather after being in contact with multiple kids who have strep throat, and I head to a clinic on my lunch break for a quick strep test. I am asked some typical questions. But these ones make me laugh. 

Nurse: “Have you had any recent surgeries?”

Me: “I had a C-section and a tubal ligation six months ago.”

Nurse: “When was your last period?”

Me: “A little over a month ago.”

Nurse: “Is there any chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: “No, I was sterilized.”

A few minutes later:

Nurse: “So, do you plan on having any more kids?”

Me: “Um, no.”

I don’t know how my previous answers were unclear!