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Bag That One For Later

, , , , , , | Healthy | February 20, 2018

(Both the flu and a stomach bug have been going around my sister’s school and about a quarter of the population ends up sick. She ends up going to her nurse with the stomach bug after throwing up in the hallway, and my dad has just come to pick her up.)

Nurse: “Here’s a bag for the car ride home, in case you have to throw up again.”

(A random kid runs in from the hallway, grabs the bag from her hands, and throws up in it.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ll get you another bag and throw this one away.”

(This repeated two more times with another student who was already in the nurse’s office and one of the history teachers, before my sister finally got her own bag to go home with. We’re all surprised they didn’t just quarantine the entire school at that point.)

A Vision Of Incompetence

, , , , , , | Healthy | February 18, 2018

(I am a college student. I have learned of a summertime job, as a “gopher” — office boy — with a local railroad. I arrive at the office where I receive initial training in my duties, and then I am given a piece of paper — ordering a pre-employment physical — that I am supposed to take to the railroad’s doctor’s office. Since I recently passed my college physical, I have no qualms about the pre-employment physical. I drive to the doctor’s office. I note that the waiting room is empty, and there seems to be nobody around.)

Me: “Hello, is anybody here?”

Nurse: *a few minutes later, while eating an apple* “The doctor is out having lunch. What do you need?”

Me: “I am here for a [Railroad] physical.”

Nurse: *chomps on apple* “Okay. I can start that. Sit in the exam chair, and read the eye chart on the wall.” *chomp*

Me: “Do you want me to do that with my glasses on or off?”

Nurse: *chomp, chomp, long pause* “Um, take your glasses off.”

Me: “Should I do this with both eyes open?”

Nurse: *chomp* “Um… Take this thing and cover your left eye.”

Me: “Okay… E.”

Nurse: “Can you read any more?”

Me: “No, I am near-sighted, but my distance vision is 20/20 or better with each eye with my glasses on.”

Nurse: *another long pause, throws away apple core* “I hear the doctor. You must see him now!”

(I then put my glasses on and walk out to the waiting room, where the doctor is apparently reading my physical report. The doctor takes out a pencil with red lead at one end and blue at the other…)

Doctor: “What color is this?” *making a red line on the back of my physical report*

Me: “Red.”

Doctor: “And what color is this?” *making a blue line on the same piece of paper*

Me: “Blue.”

Doctor: “Okay, you can go home now. The railroad will call you later.”

(A day goes by, and I get a call from the railroad.)

Railroad Guy: “Sorry, we can’t hire you.”

Me: “Why not?”

Railroad Guy: “You failed your physical. You can’t see well enough to work here.”

Me: “My vision is corrected to 20/20 in each eye, but the nurse never checked that.”

Railroad Guy: “Maybe so, but you could be hit by a train if your glasses fell off while you were crossing the tracks.”

(I guess I never was qualified to be “workin’ on the railroad,” but I got a better summer job soon after, and not all was lost.)

The Hippokkkratic Oath

, , , , | Healthy | February 17, 2018

(I work at a detention center, and we are holding two big-name KKK leaders. Both were on TV after their arrest, since they have supposedly attacked one of their own. One of them has to be taken to the hospital for something and he has two male officers escorting him. They are seen in the ER by a tiny nurse.)

Nurse: “Mister… [Inmate]?”

Inmate: “Yeah?”

Nurse: “I see one of your vaccines hasn’t been updated; did you want to take care of that?”

Inmate: “Yeah, why not? The state’s paying for it.”

(The nurse starts humming as she prepares the injection and then proceeds to clean a site on his leg.)

Nurse: “Ready?”

Inmate: “Go for it.”

(The nurse suddenly stabs the needle into his leg, making both the officers cringe in sympathy as the man howls.)

Nurse: “There we go! All done.”

Inmate: “What kind of nurse are you?”

Nurse: “A loving Christian woman who doesn’t judge one’s skin color.”

(It was then that the inmate realized she had seen his face on the six o’clock news.)

Water Difference That Makes

, , , , | Healthy | February 13, 2018

(I am a medical lab scientist. I receive a urine sample from the ER to test only for drugs, marked as belonging to a fifteen-year-old boy. The sample is quite clear — if someone is really hydrated that can happen — and it’s cold. We usually receive urine still warm, but sometimes it sits while they decide if they want to test it for anything. It’s negative for all the street drugs we test for. I release the results and then, a bit later, I get a call from a nurse.)

Nurse: “Hi. I was just wondering about the drug screen for [Patient].”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Nurse: “Well, it was cold when he gave it to me, and I just don’t quite believe it’s negative. Is there anything you could do to find out if it was water?”

(I think for a moment and come up with a few fast things that I could do to find out whether or not it is water.)

Me: “Yeah, let me grab it and try something.”

(I do a really quick test and come up with something you would not expect for pee.)

Me: “Either this kid is in very severe kidney failure, or this is water.”

Nurse: “Thank you. I just graduated and passed my boards, so I’m still learning knowledge-versus-wisdom. Now I know when I feel like the urine feels cold, I should do something about it.”

Me: “Did you want me to credit those charges?”

Nurse: “Yes. We will be recollecting. And there will be a male care tech going in that bathroom with him.”

Me: *laughing* “I would imagine.”

(Once I get off the phone, I do some more chemical testing and learn that this sample has none of the chemical properties of urine. This kid didn’t even think to try the one where you dilute your actual pee with water — which we can also catch — or even to just put WARM water in the cup. It was straight, cold, tap-water. I walk across the lab to tell this one to the other lab scientists, one of whom is known for being extremely cynical about everything.)

Cynical Coworker: “That nurse is way too nice. I’d catheterize the kid. Teach him to never do that one again.”

(We then started a prizeless pool, guessing what the kid was on that he was trying to hide. In the end, the actual urine arrived, and it was positive for marijuana.)

A (Gentle) Giant Difference Between Them

, , , , , , | Healthy | February 8, 2018

(My younger sister and brother are due to get their polio vaccinations. Despite being two years younger than her, my brother is several inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than our sister. But, as she’s older, she gets to go first.)

Mom: “She has a fear of shots, just to warn you.”

Nurse: “Oh, that’s no problem. I know nobody likes shots.” *turns to my sister* “Now, I’m just going to clean the skin on your leg for the shot.”

Sister: “It’s cold!”

Nurse: “Yes, it is. But it will warm up again in a minute. Now, you’re just going to feel a pinch…”

(My sister sees the needle and flips out, screaming, crying, and flailing. She even manages to kick the nurse in the face before my mom is able to hold her down.)

Nurse: *finally gets the shot in* “I’m sorry, sweetie. I know that hurt. I promise, if you relax, shots don’t hurt so much. Would you like a sucker?”

(My sister won’t stop crying; she’s in full panic mode.)

Me: “Mom, if you want, I can take [Brother] to another room and help him get his shot.”

Mom: *still trying to control my sister* “Please, do.”

(I gather up my hefty little brother and follow the nurse to the exam room next door.)

Nurse: “Go ahead and put him on the table, please.”

Me: “Sure thing. Here you go, buddy! You doing okay?”

Brother: “Yeah.” *with the implication of “why shouldn’t I be?”*

(The nurse looks him over, and then leaves without a word. A few minutes later, she comes back in with not one, but three orderlies, all strong-looking men, to hold my brother down. One orderly stands behind him and holds his arms around my brother’s arms and torso, while the other two each secure a leg.)

Me: “He’s not going to go crazy like [Sister] did. He’s our gentle giant, I swear.”

(The nurse ignores me, cleans his leg, and then counts to three for his shot.)

Brother: *frowns* “Ow.”

Nurse: *stunned* “Ow?”

Brother: “That hurt. Can I have a sucker, now?”

(He didn’t so much as twitch, and he accepted his treat with a smile. [Sister] was still crying a river, and didn’t stop until we were halfway home.)