Caller: “I’d like to talk about opening an NSFW account.”

Me: “Excuse me? Can you repeat that?”

Caller: “An NSFW account.”

Me: “Could you tell me what NSFW means?”

Caller: “Nova Scotia Federal Wealth account. My coworker said if you sign up to one, you get $100!”

Me: “I think your friend might be playing a prank on you, I’m sorry to tell you. That type of account isn’t a thing.”

Caller: “Why would this be a prank?”

Me: “Let me tell you what NSFW really stands for.”

I tell him.

Caller: “I’m gonna kill him! He keeps doing this!” *Click.*

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual content.

I’m a customer at a phone shop’s helpdesk. The guy at the desk is helping me troubleshoot my phone, and I see a sign on the wall behind him.

Sign: “We will not troubleshoot phones that have explicit/inappropriate wallpapers.”

Me: “How often does that happen for there to be a sign?”

Employee: *Thousand-yard stare.* “Too many.”

Me: “Ouch.”

Employee: “Last week, I had a couple who handed me an iPad. The wallpaper was the two of them… going at it… from all the angles.”

Me: “Oh my God!”

Employee: “Yeah, I told them to change it, and I pointed to the sign. They told me it doesn’t count as inappropriate as it’s them, not a p*rn star.”

Me: “As if that makes a difference.”

Employee: “Right? But then they told me the reason they were here was that they didn’t know how to change their wallpaper, so I told them they were f***ed… even more so than they were in the wallpaper.”

I laughed and commiserated with him, and was thankful that my wallpaper was a cute picture of my sleeping cat…

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual content

I’m working in the copy department at the office supply/stationery store. A lady storms up to me and says bluntly.

Customer: “You will print some pictures of my grandson from my phone.”

She isn’t asking, she’s telling.

Me: “I can set you up at one of our DIY stations and—”

Customer: “—no. I don’t have time for that. I said you will do it.”

Me: “We don’t usually—”

Customer: *Handing me her phone.* “Go through them, and I will select which ones I want.”

Fine, she’s obviously going to die on this hill. I connect her phone to my computer, and her photo folders appear on my screen. As I navigate to the folder she orders me to, all these pictures of… well… a certain part of the male anatomy pop up. And I’m not talking about one or two; it’s dozens of different ones that dudes have obviously been sexting her, most in various states of… excitement.

Customer: “What’s taking so long!?”

The monitor was on a rotating platform, so I spun it around and asked her with a straight face:

Me: “Is this your grandson?”

She turned bright red, yanked her phone away, and ran out of the store. I hope she had time to do it herself at whatever store she went to next!

CORRECTION: A Missing word has been added in the last sentence.

My husband and I have a destination wedding in the Bahamas. My mother-in-law is notoriously cheap and will only fly down for two nights. She arrives the day before the wedding and leaves the day after. 

On our wedding day, there’s no formal reception. Just about ten of us were sitting outside all afternoon, drinking and enjoying ourselves.

Fast forward to that night.

My husband and I finally get to our suite around 9 PM, excited to enjoy our wedding night together. Alone.

At 10 PM, the room phone rings.

It’s my mother-in-law.

Mother-In-Law: “You need to come down to the lobby and watch the fire-eating show with me! I’m leaving tomorrow, and it’s very selfish of you not to spend time with me tonight.”

My husband tries to be diplomatic.

Husband: “Mom, it’s our wedding night.”

Mother-In-Law: “And?”

Husband: “I want to spend it with my wife.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, give me a break. It’s not like tonight is extra special; we all know she’s no virgin.”

We end up going down and hanging out with her for about an hour. I know, I know. We shouldn’t have. But oh well. 

But it does give me an opportunity to take a seat a few feet away from her, look her straight in the eye, and say:

Me: “Don’t get too close. Wouldn’t want the massive black hole that is my well-used vagina to suck you into another dimension.”

Really sets the tone for the rest of our relationship.

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual content.

I was in a bar one night for a friend’s birthday, and our conversation was interrupted by a woman who was screaming because she was breaking up with her boyfriend.

Girlfriend: “You’re broke and useless! And… and… and every time we f***ed I f***ing faked it!”

Boyfriend: *Deadpan and calm.* “What makes you think I was f***ing you for your benefit?”

She then poured his beer all over him and stormed out. 

We were back at that bar the next weekend (two friends’ birthdays one week apart), and the couple was there again, eating each other’s faces, so I guess they worked it out?