I’m working in the hotel restaurant, serving the continental breakfast buffet line. A woman is trying to squirt some whipped cream on her waffle. As she attempts to shake the can, it slips out of her hand and hits the floor. She hurriedly picks it up, looks at me, and says:

Guest: “You’ve got to grip it tight before you shake it!”

She says this while making suggestive motions with the can.

Before I can even respond, she starts to realize what she is doing and tries to save it by saying:

Guest: “I’m not going to try this on you or anything!”

Ever since that day, “squirting cream on your waffle” has become a euphemism among the restaurant staff.

I work in a superstore that sells groceries as well as lots of other types of items. It’s not too uncommon for some customers to try to get a reaction out of their cashiers by buying suggestive combinations of products. It doesn’t faze me anymore.

Two girls are buying ten cucumbers and baby oil, giggling the whole time. In my head, I’m thinking “how original” in a sarcastic inner voice.

Then a third girl comes and adds to their purchase some duct tape and a pogo stick, and the giggling intensifies.

“Never mind,” I thought to myself.

I was working the front desk when a man came in. He kinda looked homeless, his clothes were ripped and dirty. He asked about getting a room for “a little while”. He laid a $50 bill on the counter, casually slid it my way, then turned away from me. 

I ignored the money and told him what rooms we had and the rates. He turned back around, saw the cash there, and instead of replying, pushed the $50 closer to me.

Me: “Sir, the room with tax is [three-digit total]; I’m going to need more than that.”

Weird Man: *Rolls his eyes at me.* “Come on. I know how this works. Just take the money.”

Me: *Confused.* “I can’t take it, it’s not enough to book a night here.”

Weird Man: *Exasperated.* “It’s not for the whole night! That’s the point. Just get me a key, you won’t even know we’re there.”

The lobby doors opened, and a woman walked in. She wasn’t wearing much. A sports bra and a little blue skirt with sandals. He says to her loudly:

Weird Man: “TRIXIE? Go sit down, I’m getting us some privacy.”

She acknowledges that she’s Trixie with a big smile and a wink and takes a seat. The weird man turns back to me:

Weird Man: “So, we good? Key?”

The lightbulb finally goes off. I get it.

Me: “Are you trying to give me money so you can use a room for an hour?”

Weird Man: “Not even an hour, I promise. You get fifty bucks.”

Me: “You’ve done this here before?”

Weird Man: “Not here, no. But other hotels, all the time.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t do that. See that camera?” *I point to a black box in the ceiling that is not a camera.* “They’d look back, see what I did, and I’d lose my job.”

Weird Man: *Nods his head.* “Oh, I can’t do that to ya. Trixie, let’s go! I knew this place was too hoity-toity. They got us on film!”

And that was the first and only time I had someone try to book a room to sleep with a prostitute for an hour by offering me fifty dollars.

Content warning: Sexual content

I work in an open-late sandwich store. A guy comes in to get a footlong. When we get to the register to pay, he puts his phone down on the counter, facing up.

Me: “Sir, are you paying using your phone?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You might want to not put it facing screen up, unless you want me to learn the four different kinds of fetishes that you’re into.”

The customer looks down and realizes his videos are still playing.

Customer: “Oh, s***!”

He runs out of the store, leaving his footlong behind due to his accidental sharing of videos containing multiple footlongs.

CONTENT WARNING: Mention of sexual acts

I’m in the breakroom, and I walk over to some fellow nurses that I know.

Nurse #1: “Of all the things we’ve had to remove from patient’s butts, that was the weirdest.”

Nurse #2: “I’m never going to be able to look at Darth Vader the same way ever again.”

Nurse #1: “Why do they even make those things?! Look, what people put into themselves in their bedrooms is their own business, but one look at that thing, and they should have known it wasn’t coming out again without medical help!”

Me: “Let me guess, Darth Vader… uh… marital aid?”

Nurse #2: “You know about them?”

Me: “Yeah, I saw them on TikTok. They’ve made them for a lot of Star Wars characters. They look… painful.”

Nurse #1: “That’s not the worst part! They have sound effects! Each time we tried to remove Darth Vader from… from the dark side… he kept saying: “Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

Me: “Oh… my God.”