(This museum has a large Titanic exhibit. Many of the rescued survivors were brought to Halifax after the ship sank. Many of the recovered bodies of the victims are buried here as well. A tourist approaches me.)
Tourist: “So, is Leonardo Di Caprio buried upstairs?”
(I work at a gas station with a carwash. A customer comes in and pushes his way to the front of the line. He is holding a shirt that is dripping wet.)
Customer: “Your car wash sucks!”
Me: “Sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “I just bought a car wash and it didn’t clean anything! There is still a giant stain on it.”
Me: “There is a giant stain on your car, sir?”
Customer: “I don’t drive a car! I drive a truck, and the stain is on my shirt, you idiot!”
(He holds up his shirt to show me a nice brown stain in the middle of his white shirt. I look at him confused for a few seconds until I look outside and see two men pulling clothes out from the back of a bright blue truck.)
Me: “Sir, did you try and wash your clothes in our car wash?”
Customer: “No, I am just standing here with a wet shirt for fun. I want a refund. It didn’t clean my shirt!”
Me: “Sorry, this isn’t a laundromat, sir. I’m sorry. There is nothing I can do.”
Customer: “I bought a luxury car wash and it didn’t clean s***! I want my f***ing money back!”
Me: “We only give refunds on vehicles that haven’t been cleaned, sir.”
(The customer yells a few choice words, threatens to call the head office, and leaves. To date, I have not heard from the head office.)
This story is part of the “I Can’t Believe They Thought That Would Work!” roundup!
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(A line has formed at the cash. My boss is doing paperwork at the desk behind me. I finish ringing up a customer.)
Me: “Hello there, ma’am. Before I ring you in, would you like a plastic bag today? I only ask because they do cost five cents extra.”
(She looks at me in angry disgust.)
Customer: “You still charge people even though it’s raining outside?! That’s disgusting! Are you proud of yourself?!”
Me: “Since all of the proceeds from plastic bags go to a wildlife preservation foundation, yes. I am proud of myself.”
(The customer stalks away in disgust. I turn around to see my boss staring at me.)
Manager: “Did you just say that?”
Me: “Yup.”
(She raises her hand for a high-five.)
This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!
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(An irate customer is frustrated with my store’s return policy, and asks me to call my manager.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but she isn’t answering her cell phone or house number, but she’ll be in tomorrow if you want to try again then.”
Customer: “No! You get her on the phone now!”
Me: “I just called both of the numbers she provided, and she didn’t answer. That sort of leaves me with telepathy.”
Customer: “Well, could you try that?”
This story is part of the Customers Expecting Mind-Readers roundup!
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(I am cutting the hair of an eighty-six-year-old man. He asks if I’m from the area, and I tell him I live in an apartment building nearby.)
Customer: “So, you live there with your husband?”
Me: “I live there with my boyfriend and my best friend.”
Customer: “You live with your boyfriend?”
Me: “Yep.”
Customer: “And you’re not married?”
Me: “Nope.”
Customer: “But you live together?”
Me: “Right.”
Customer: “I’ve never heard of that before.”
