The Rainbow Isn’t Complete Without Black

, , , , | Friendly | January 14, 2019

(I’m in a shoe shop, when I see a girl dressed entirely in black with a rainbow bag, clutching some holographic black shoes.)

Girl: *tearing up* “These shoes are black and gay! That’s me! That’s my aesthetic! I NEED them!”

Her Light Bulb Is Cracked

, , , , , | Legal | January 1, 2019

Years ago, circa 2010, I worked as door staff at a fairly rough nightclub. We had a policy that every person through the door had to be searched with a wand and be subject to a bag check. I searched a woman and found a baggie of white powder in her purse. I confiscated it and turned her away; she began ranting and screaming at me but her friends escorted her away. I put the bag in our drug safe to be turned over to the cops and carried on with work.

A little while later, a police car drove up and two officers got out. The woman from before came storming back up and started screaming again. One of the officers said, “We have a report that you stole a mobile phone.” I was mystified as I didn’t even have a phone on me, but then the woman started ranting at him about me stealing from her.

A light bulb flashed on in my brain, and I radioed the manager to bring the baggie out. When she did, the crazy woman snatched it and started waving it at the police, telling them to arrest me for theft. The look on their faces was priceless as they arrested her and tested the powder; it came back positive — for what I don’t know, but the little pack changed color. It turned out that she had called 999 and the operator had misheard what she was ranting about and thought she said mobile. Gotta love drunk idiots!

Photography World In Shock, As Image Conjures One More “Wow” Than Expected

, , , , , , | Related | November 8, 2018

(I like photography, and I show my sister a pretty good photo I took and edited.)

Sister: “Wow.”

Sister: *slightly more amazed* “Wow.”

Sister: *very amazed* “Wow!”

Me: *pouting* “One more wow?”

Sister: *monotone* “Wow.”

And You Drive A Car?

, , , , | Right | October 21, 2018

(Some of the air fresheners we sell have a “scratch and sniff” on the packet so the customers can try the scents before they buy. As I walk past our air freshener display one day, a customer browsing them asks me for help.)

Customer: “Excuse me. How do I use the scratch and sniff on this?”

Might Need To Walk Them Through It

, , , , , | Learning | October 14, 2018

(I’m working part time as a teacher in a nursery school, where the kids are all four or five years old. Today we’re getting the kids to draw around their feet and colour them in so that the parents can hang them on a wall for six months and then shove them in a cupboard.)

Me: “Okay, everyone, can you all take off one shoe and one sock?”

(Five minutes later:)

Me: “Okay ,everyone, can you all take off one shoe and one sock on the same foot?”

Page 1/3123