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Vegan From This Place!

, , , , , | Related | March 6, 2022

I’ve had stomach issues for as long as I can remember, but I’ve discovered that cutting out most meats from my diet tends to help. Even though I like to eat meat on occasion, I also enjoy vegetarian food, so it’s not a huge sacrifice on my part. My brother, on the other hand, is an almost aggressive carnivore who finds it personally insulting that vegetarians exist in the world. He also likes to needle me about my new eating habits at every opportunity.

One day, my brother helps me move some furniture and I promise to buy him lunch as a thank-you. He’s a big fan of the hamburgers from a specific fast food chain, so that’s where we go.

This chain recently started selling a vegan burger which is pretty close to meat in both taste and texture. They also have a system where you can choose to order and pay in an app or at a self-service kiosk in the restaurant and then pick up your order at the counter when it’s ready. We decide to use self-service.

Me: “Okay, [Brother], pick whatever you want. It’s my treat.”

Brother: *Grinning* “Thanks! I’m going to get something with a lot of meat. I want at least two different animals to have died for this burger.”

My brother proceeds to choose his meal, predictably with an extra patty and added bacon, and steps back, looking very satisfied with himself. I told him he could have whatever he wanted, so I just smile and order my own meal.

Me: “Go save us a seat somewhere. I’ll wait for the food.”

I go to wait at the counter for our order to be called. When it’s ready and my number is called, the worker who put the food out stops me just as I’m about to grab it.

Worker: “Before you go, I just want to make sure this is the correct order. That was a [Meal] with an extra patty and bacon, right?”

Me: *Smiling* “Yep, that’s exactly what he ordered. Thanks!”

I take the food and join my brother at a table, and we dig into our lunch. My vegan burger is surprisingly good for a fast food burger. My brother is practically inhaling his food, making “yummy” noises all through the meal just to spite me. I just keep smiling at him.

Brother: *Pushing his empty tray away* “That was delicious! Nothing beats a real hamburger. How’s your rabbit food?”

Me: “It’s really good, actually. You can barely tell it’s not meat.”

Brother: “That’s ridiculous; I’d be able to tell in a heartbeat. There’s nothing like a proper beef hamburger.”

Me: *Still smiling* “Really? Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

Brother: *Going off on one of his rants* “I mean, look at those stupid posters. They might have photoshopped it to look like meat, but no one is going to be fooled by that.”

Me: “That’s funny, because you actually ordered the vegan burger, and you just ate it all and said it was delicious.”

Brother: “I… No, I didn’t. I ordered the beef burger.”

Me: “Nope, you ordered the [fake] beef burger. The girl at the counter thought it was weird that you wanted bacon on that, but you ordered it yourself, so I thought that was what you wanted.”

Brother: “I’m never going to eat here again!”

So, that’s the story of how my brother decided to boycott his favourite burger chain because he accidentally ordered a vegan burger and enjoyed it. (The extra bacon might have had something to do with it.)

Sympathy Isn’t This Sister’s Strong Suit

, , , , | Related | October 28, 2021

I got all the bad genes in my family, including a chronic pain disorder. I do what I can to alleviate the symptoms, but it’s not getting any better as I’m reaching middle-age, and I find that there are things I used to be able to do in my youth that I just can’t manage anymore.

My sister is two years younger than me and lucked out in the health department. She’s the kind of person who runs marathons for fun, while I’m at the point where I need physical therapy to handle my daily life. We’ve always been very close and share a lot of interests, including hiking and other outdoor activities. Unfortunately, she has some trouble adjusting to my physical limitations.

I’m just starting my summer vacation and I have two weeks off for shenanigans. My sister calls me to invite me for a hike in a nearby national park.

Sister: “It’s been so long since we did something like this together and it would be so much fun!”

Me: “Sure, that sounds great. We could do a day trip, maybe?”

Sister: “Oh, I thought we’d hike the whole trail; it’ll be like three days at most. We can bring a tent and camping gear. You have two weeks off, right?”

Me: “Sorry, but I won’t be able to do that. I don’t think I could handle sleeping on the ground for one night at this point, even less two. But if we take the short trail on Saturday, we’ll be back by evening and I’ll get to sleep in my own bed and won’t have to be in too much pain for the rest of my vacation.”

Sister: “Come on! You can handle three days, can’t you? We used to do this all the time!”

Me: “We used to do it all the time when I was twenty. If I do it now, I’m going to have to spend the rest of my vacation recovering, and I have other plans, as well.”

Sister: “Seriously? You’ve turned into such a granny!”

Me: *Upset* Sorry my disability is such an inconvenience to you.”

Sister: *Even more upset* “Laziness is not a disability!”

We hung up. She invited one of her friends, instead, and spent the entire three days making passive-aggressive posts on social media about how wonderful her hike was and how much she pitied people who didn’t appreciate the outdoors. 

I spent my vacation taking it easy and going on various day trips with friends and other family, and returned to work rested and content, in no more pain than before.

The irony in all this? My sister is a nurse who specialises in my condition.

This Seems To Happen Vegan And Again

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2021

At this particular restaurant, the customers order and pay by the bar and then we bring the food out to the table.

Customer: “I’m a vegan, so can you suggest something that I can eat?”

We only have two vegan options: a salad and a pizza.

Customer: “Oooh! I’d like the pizza, please.”

She then pays and I bring out the food. A few minutes after she starts eating, she YELLS us over in the otherwise quiet restaurant to complain.

Customer: “This is so dry! Could I have some cheese on it?”

Me: “If you’d like, but I must warn you that we don’t have any vegan cheese, so if we put cheese on the pizza, it won’t be vegan anymore.”

Customer: *Stares at me like I’m an idiot* “You can eat cheese when you are a vegan.”

I then started to explain the difference between being a vegetarian and a vegan to make it clear that if she was a vegan, I advised against eating cheese. She then demanded that I put cheese on the pizza, so we did.

She got the food back, and thirty minutes or so later, we saw her leave. My colleague and I almost exploded when we saw she hadn’t even touched the pizza.

They Listened To You Right

, , , , | Right | August 30, 2021

One of our guests approaches the front desk.

Guest: “Hey, can you give me directions to [Shop]? I heard it was close by.”

Me: “Of course, sir. When you exit the hotel, turn to the left and continue straight on until you see the municipality office. [Shop] is located right next to it.”

Guest: “So, first to the left and then straight on?”

Me: “Yes, that is correct. Left and then just straight on until the municipality office.”

Guest: “Thank you!”

We can see the exit from the front desk, and I see the guest promptly turning to the right. Never in our conversation have I even said the word “right”. Sometime later, the same guest returns to the hotel.

Guest: “So, somehow I wasn’t able to find [Shop], and I really looked everywhere! Luckily, I found an alternative shop and I could buy what I needed. Bye, now!”

I wish this same scenario happened rarely, but it is, unfortunately, really common.

It’s Always The Last Date You Think

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2021

Me: “You have reached [Call Centre]. How may I help you?

Caller: “I need to add my daughter to the membership.”

Me: “Okay, we can do that. I just need her name, date of birth, phone number, and email, and we’re good to go.”

Caller: “Her name is [Daughter] and date of birth… uh… now when was that again? It’s in winter, I know that much.”

Me: “Do you remember the month, perhaps? Maybe you could check with someone?”

Caller: “I think December? I’ll check, just a moment.”

A couple of minutes go by and he comes back. 

Caller: “Yeah, December 31st!”

Me: “Soo, New Year’s Eve?”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s right!”