Different Hemispheres Of Language

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2018

(I had a normal day once. It was a Thursday.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Car Insurance]. How can I help?”

Angry Client: “YOU’RE ALWAYS GIVING ME DIFFERENT F****** DIFFERENT PRICES FOR MY CARS!”

Me: “Sir, please can you provide your details so I can look into this for you.”

Angry Client: “It’s f****** [details]!”

Me: “Please, sir, refrain from swearing. I’m trying to help.”

Angry Client: “It’s f****** normal where I’m from; we talk to all bloody offices like this!”

Me: “Sir, I can tell by your accent you are from [Country in Southern Hemisphere].”

Angry Client: “Yeah, so? What about it?!”

Me: “Well, sir, I am also from [Country in Southern Hemisphere] but do not speak with an accent. I have never spoken to anyone the way you have spoken to me. Also, this country is not [Country in Southern Hemisphere], and they do not expect to be spoken to the way you have spoken to me. While we have been chatting, I’ve looked at your account. We have not changed anything on your account. You keep changing things, causing different prices, and you have spoken to four different people with different information, so you would have four different prices. Now, can I help you with anything?”

Angry Client: *silence then murmuring*

Me: “Sir? Can I help you?”

Angry Client: “I’m sorry. I’ll accept the first quote.”

(After this call, which the whole office listened to, I was told to go and have a break and look at videos of pug puppies… It helps.)

Pokémon Red And Black

, , , , , | Friendly | May 6, 2018

(I crocheted a Pokémon. The pattern is complicated, due to the Pokémon having a weird shape and lots of little pieces that need to be made and sewed on. I also made a major mistake, didn’t realize it until several rounds later, and had to undo half of it to fix it, so once it’s finally finished I’m quite proud of it. I show it off to my friends.)

Friend: “Oh, wow! You made a Lugia!”

Me: “Yep. It took me forever to work on that. I think I was working on it off and on for most of this week.”

Friend: “Can I have it?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Friend: “Can I have it? It’s nice. I want one.”

Me: “I made that because I wanted it, and no, you can’t just have it for free.”

Friend: “Why not? Can’t you just make another one?”

Me: “Did you miss the part where I said I worked on it for about a week?”

Friend: “So, can I buy one, then?”

Me: “Sure, but it might take me a while to do it, because I don’t feel like crocheting another complicated pattern so soon, and it’ll cost you $100.”

Friend: “$100? It’s not worth that much!”

Me: “Trust me, you’re probably getting this for a lot less than it’s worth.”

Friend: “I’ll give you $20 for it.”

Me: “I am not taking $20 for something that took that much time and effort to make.”

(He argues with me back and forth, raising his offer to a “generous” $30, when finally I get fed up and pull out my phone calculator and a piece of paper.)

Me: “Okay, since you don’t seem to understand this, how about we break it down and calculate the worth? First, the yarn that went into making it. I used the majority of a brand-new skein of white yarn that cost me about $3. The rest of the yarn for the blue bits was probably about a dollar’s worth, and the Fiberfill used is probably about a dollar’s worth at most, too.”

Friend: “Okay, so that’s only about $5. Nowhere near $100.”

Me: “I’m not done. It’s not just the material that went into making it; you also have to factor in the time spent on it. I don’t have an exact estimate of how long I worked on this, but let’s say about five hours a day for five days. That seems about right.”

Friend: “So, 25 hours altogether?”

Me: “Right. Now, the minimum wage in Pennsylvania is $7.25 an hour, so multiply that by 25, and that’s $181.25, plus the $5 for materials, which brings your total for the Pokémon amigurumi up to $186.25. I expect that all in cash, and I don’t take payment until it’s done for people I know personally, so you’ll have some time to save up.”

Friend: “Uh… What else can you make?”

(I ended up making him a Charmander,  and charged him $20 for it because it was a lot easier and less time-consuming. Let’s hope he learned something and doesn’t pull this again with me or someone else.)

POTC: Unmade Films Tell No Tales

, , , , , | Right | April 17, 2018

(It is around October in 2014.)

Customer: “Do you have the new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie?”

Me: *assuming he means the fourth film, which is the latest one* “Of course. It’s right over here.” *I pick up a copy of “On Stranger Tides”*

Customer: “Nah, I mean the new one. The fifth one.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not out yet.”

Customer: “When will you have it in?”

Me: “Well, I think I heard that they’re going to be filming it next year, and that it’s due to be released in 2017.”

Customer: “But when will you have it in?”

Me: “Um… In 2017, probably.”

Some Customers Act Like Children, Some Just Are

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2018

(Where I work, customers can place orders for items in-store and opt for either free home delivery or delivery to the store. If the latter is chosen, we take down their details and phone them when their orders arrive. On this particular day, I have to call up a regular customer who is known for being a little bit strange.)

Me: “Good afternoon. [My Name] speaking. I’m calling from [Store], just to let you know that your items have been delivered and are ready to be collected.”

Customer: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “Oh, [My Name], that’s great! Here, I’ve got someone here who really wants to talk to you.

(For a few moments, I’m baffled, wondering if I’ve heard him correctly. Before I can say another word, I hear a young child on the other end. Note that I’ve only met and served this customer in person twice, and never seen him around with his kids before.)

Customer’s Child: “Hello?”

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Customer’s Child: “Mummy?”

Customer: *in the background* “No, baby, it’s [My Name] from the movie shop. Say hello!”

Customer’s Child: “Hello, [My Name]!”

Me: “Um… Hi.”

Customer’s Child: “Are we coming to get our DVDs today?”

Me: “That’s why I’ve called, yes. Your DVDs are all ready to be collected.”

(The child then launches into a long-winded tale of what her morning has been like, what she’s eaten for breakfast, what their plans for the day are, what’s currently on television, etc. I’m at a complete loss for words and silently look to my manager for help, who just stares at me quizzically, as these calls should usually only take about a minute, max.)

Me: “Uh… Okay. Could you put your dad back on for me, please?”

Customer’s Child: “BYEEEEE!”

Customer: “Hiya, me again. Bless you. You said something about a delivery.”

Me: “Yes… Your, uh, your items.”

Customer: “Awesome, we’ll pop in this afternoon to get ’em. Cheers, darling. Have a good one!” *click*

(The kicker? We held his items for a good five weeks before he finally came in for them.)

Psychic Like The Night King

, , , , , , | Related | March 12, 2018

(The local schools are being dismissed early due to bad weather. As soon as they let out, I call my sister to make sure she’s actually taking the bus home, since she usually walks, no matter what the weather is like outside.)

Sister: “How did you know that we were getting out early?”

(I look outside the window. If the blizzard raging outside were any worse, there’d be White Walkers hanging out in the driveway.)

Me: “I’m psychic.”

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