POTC: Unmade Films Tell No Tales

, , , , , | Right | April 17, 2018

(It is around October in 2014.)

Customer: “Do you have the new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie?”

Me: *assuming he means the fourth film, which is the latest one* “Of course. It’s right over here.” *I pick up a copy of “On Stranger Tides”*

Customer: “Nah, I mean the new one. The fifth one.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not out yet.”

Customer: “When will you have it in?”

Me: “Well, I think I heard that they’re going to be filming it next year, and that it’s due to be released in 2017.”

Customer: “But when will you have it in?”

Me: “Um… In 2017, probably.”

Some Customers Act Like Children, Some Just Are

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2018

(Where I work, customers can place orders for items in-store and opt for either free home delivery or delivery to the store. If the latter is chosen, we take down their details and phone them when their orders arrive. On this particular day, I have to call up a regular customer who is known for being a little bit strange.)

Me: “Good afternoon. [My Name] speaking. I’m calling from [Store], just to let you know that your items have been delivered and are ready to be collected.”

Customer: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “Oh, [My Name], that’s great! Here, I’ve got someone here who really wants to talk to you.

(For a few moments, I’m baffled, wondering if I’ve heard him correctly. Before I can say another word, I hear a young child on the other end. Note that I’ve only met and served this customer in person twice, and never seen him around with his kids before.)

Customer’s Child: “Hello?”

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Customer’s Child: “Mummy?”

Customer: *in the background* “No, baby, it’s [My Name] from the movie shop. Say hello!”

Customer’s Child: “Hello, [My Name]!”

Me: “Um… Hi.”

Customer’s Child: “Are we coming to get our DVDs today?”

Me: “That’s why I’ve called, yes. Your DVDs are all ready to be collected.”

(The child then launches into a long-winded tale of what her morning has been like, what she’s eaten for breakfast, what their plans for the day are, what’s currently on television, etc. I’m at a complete loss for words and silently look to my manager for help, who just stares at me quizzically, as these calls should usually only take about a minute, max.)

Me: “Uh… Okay. Could you put your dad back on for me, please?”

Customer’s Child: “BYEEEEE!”

Customer: “Hiya, me again. Bless you. You said something about a delivery.”

Me: “Yes… Your, uh, your items.”

Customer: “Awesome, we’ll pop in this afternoon to get ’em. Cheers, darling. Have a good one!” *click*

(The kicker? We held his items for a good five weeks before he finally came in for them.)

Psychic Like The Night King

, , , , , , | Related | March 12, 2018

(The local schools are being dismissed early due to bad weather. As soon as they let out, I call my sister to make sure she’s actually taking the bus home, since she usually walks, no matter what the weather is like outside.)

Sister: “How did you know that we were getting out early?”

(I look outside the window. If the blizzard raging outside were any worse, there’d be White Walkers hanging out in the driveway.)

Me: “I’m psychic.”

“It” Is The Perfect Job

, , , , , | Related | September 7, 2017

(I’m at my wit’s end, desperately trying to find a job in a crumbling economy. My sister thinks she’s found a solution.)

Sister: “I know what you can do! Go to clown school and become a clown! You can entertain children at birthday parties!”

Me: “But I hate children.”

Sister: “Exactly! Children are terrified of clowns!”

Me: “…oh, my gosh, you’re right! That idea is actually brilliant!”

(I probably won’t actually pursue a career as a clown, but if I did, we decided my name would be “Stabby the Monster Clown” and my assistants would be a three-foot python and a rottweiler in realistic zombie makeup, named Cuddles.)