Outsmarted By A Five- Or Six-Year-Old

, , , , , , | Right | April 30, 2020

I am stocking an aisle in the grocery store. Our store has a small cafe where children aged five and under eat for free. I overhear a mother talking to her young son.

Mother: “Remember, [Son], we’re pretending you’re five, okay?”

Son: “But, Mommy, I’m six!”

Mother: “Yes, but let’s pretend, okay?”

Son: “Does this mean I don’t need to go to school tomorrow?”

Mother: “What? No! Of course, you need to go to school.”

Son: “But six-year-olds go to school. Five-year-olds stay home and play!”

Mother: “Well, tomorrow, you’ll be six.”

Son: “So, tomorrow is my birthday?!”

Mother: “What? No—”

Son: “Yay! Presents!”

She paid for his meal.

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It’s Not Just His Map That’s Upside Down

, , , , , | Right | April 29, 2020

I work in a call center for a company that mostly sells vitamins and supplements among other things. On a very slow day, I receive this call. 

Caller: *Loudly* “Where are you guys located?”

Me: “In North Dakota, sir.”

Caller: “Where the h*** is that? Never heard of no North Dakoteeeee.”

Me: “It’s south of Canada, between Montana and Minnesota.”

Caller: “Oh, you’re in Mexico, then? I don’t want no non-white people talking to me.”

Me: “Uh, no, sir. Wrong border. We’re in the northern plain states of the United States. Mexico is south of the United States. Canada is north.”

Caller: “Bull. This is not what this map says. It says Mexico is north and Canadeeeee is south.”

Me: “I apologize, sir, but it’s just the opposite. Could your map possibly be upside down?”

Caller: “I know what I’m talking about. F*** you… you [slur] moron! I’m never calling Mexico again. Bye, b****!”

After he hung up, I went on break. I couldn’t stop laughing and shaking my head.

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Slooooowly Does It

, , , , , | Right | January 21, 2020

(It’s early in the day and fairly slow. I’m manning the till while my coworker is preparing trays of pizza dough just a few feet away. A man dressed in business attire walks into the shop and approaches my till, endlessly jabbering on his phone. He thrusts a coupon for a free one-topping slice at me, but says nothing apart from continuing his phone conversation.)

Me: *quietly, turning to my coworker* “It’s a policy of mine to ignore customers if they’re on their phone.”

Coworker: “Yeah, me, too.”

(I remain at the till but say nothing to the man, waiting for him to, at the very least, swivel his phone from his face for the half a second it would take to say whatever topping he wants on his slice. But alas, he continues his phone conversation like we’re not even there. I continue to stand in silence, just waiting, for a good three minutes at least, still holding the coupon, and I haven’t touched the order screen at all.)

Me: *turning to my coworker* “Dude, this is getting awkward.”

Coworker: *nods*

(Finally, the man takes a moment away from his super important phone call.)

Customer: “Are we about ready to go here, or what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, we’re just waiting on you.”

Me: “Whenever you’re ready.”

Customer: “Oh, uh, I’ll have pepperoni.” *returns to phone call*

(We made him his pepperoni slice, but we took our time and made sure to put it in the oven that cooks slower.)

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It Takes One Customer To Ruin Your Day  

, , , | Right | December 28, 2019

(I’ve just returned to the sales floor to check on how my coworkers are doing. I see an older woman waiting by the counter and each of my coworkers helping a different customer, so I jump in to help her.)

Me: “Are you ready to check out?”

Customer: “Yes. I don’t understand why it takes three people to help one person.”

(I turn and look at my two coworkers, while standing fairly close, each helping a different customer.)

Me: “I think you misunderstand. Only two of those four people work here.”

Customer: “Yes. I don’t understand why it takes three people to help one person.”

(She punctuated that statement with a look of smug satisfaction, like she had just gotten my goat by repeating herself. I thought I should correct her again, but I know better, and I let her feel like she “won” the exchange.)

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She’s Not The Brightest Spark

, , , | Right | December 20, 2019

(I’m pumping gas at a self-serve station. The bugs are out in force tonight, mosquitoes mostly. A woman is pumping gas on the opposite side of the pump I’m using.)

Woman: “I hate these bugs! They need to install bug zappers here!” *swats furiously at her arms, neck, and legs*

Me: *starts laughing a bit* “I don’t think that would end well.”

Woman: “I’m sure it’s just because they are too cheap to buy them. There is no other reason!”

Me: “Same reason you can’t smoke here: gas is flammable.”

Woman: “How would a bug zapper start a fire? There is no flame!”

Me: “I would think the spark that kills the bug would start a fire. Just like a spark is what ignites it in the engine.”

Woman: “You’re just being a smarta**!”

(She finished pumping her gas while swatting more bugs and left in a huff.)

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