(I’m making a big coupon trip to a big-box retailer, a really big trip I’ve been planning for the better part of a week. I have a couple hundred items in my cart, and just as many coupons that need to be scanned. As the cashier starts scanning, I let anyone who gets in line behind me know that I have a lot of coupons and that my checkout will take a while, so they might want to get in another line. They all decide to go to another line, until…)

Me: “I’ve got a few hundred coupons that are going to need to be scanned after he’s done ringing up my items.” *waves big stack of coupons* “So this will be a while. You might want to get in another line.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do. This register has the shortest line. I’m checking out here.”

Me: “All right, just wanted to let you know the coupons were going to take a bit to scan.”

(In a few minutes, the cashier has finished ringing up all my items.)

Cashier: “Your total is $1,760.43.”

Me: “Okay. Here are my coupons.”

(The customer behind me groans loudly and mutters something about ‘people who can’t afford to just buy things.’ As the cashier continues to scan my coupons, the customer gets more pissed off and more impatient.)

Me: “I’m sorry this is taking so long. This is why I suggested you might want to get in another line.”

Customer: “YOU should have gotten in another line, you dumb b****! I don’t know who the f*** you coupon b****es think you are, making those of us who work for a living wait for you so you can get 50 cents off your stupid crap. You’re just wasting my time, you stupid b****!”

(The rant continues while the cashier continues to scan my coupons. The cashier and I just roll our eyes at each other about the woman’s behavior and let her rant at us. Finally, after about 15 minutes, the cashier scans the final coupon and announces my savings.)

Cashier: “All right, so from $1,760, you’re down to $132.73, and you’ve earned $245 in gift cards. Thank you for shopping at [Store]!”

Me: “Thank you for your patience. Have a great day!”

(I grab my bags and start to head out when the woman behind me yells for me. I turn.)

Customer: “So, do you, like, teach people how to do this?”

Me: “Yes, I absolutely do, but dumb coupon b****es like me shouldn’t take up the time of people who work for a living like you, so I wouldn’t be able to help you. Enjoy paying for your things!”

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(I work as a supervisor at a bar. Fargo is hosting the North Dakota High School State Wrestling Tournament this weekend. I receive a phone call.)

Me: “[Bar]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller #1: “Hi. My name is [Caller #1]. I was wondering if you accept school IDs? I’m from out of town and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Um, well, no, because they are not state-regulated. You have to have papers if your driver’s license or state ID is clipped.”

Caller #1: “Well, my driver’s license is clipped; can I speak to your manager?”

Me: “I am the supervisor.”

Caller #1: *click*

(Two minutes later…)

Me: “[Bar]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Yes, my name is [Caller #2]. I was wondering if you accept school IDs? I’m from out of town and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Your name is [Caller #2]?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Is the license you grabbed clipped?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, you need to have your papers issued to you by the state for your clipped driver’s license or state ID.”

(I then hear a hushed voice in the background. It is [Caller #2] talking to [Caller #1].)

Caller #2: “[Caller #1], what do I do now?”

Caller #1: “Ask for the manager.”

(Without letting [Caller #2] even ask, I respond.)

Me: “I am the supervisor.”

Caller #2: *click*

(Three minutes later…)

Me: *sighs* “[Bar]. My name is [My Name]. I am the supervisor here; how may I help you?”

Caller #3: “Hi, my name is [Caller #3]. I was wondering if you accept school IDs? I’m from out of town and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Are you friends of [Caller #1] and [Caller #2]?”

Caller #3: “YES!”

Me: “Oh, well, hello, then. I talked to my general manager, and he says to come by the bar! What time will you three ladies be showing up tonight?”

Caller #3: *in a hushed voice to [Callers #1 and #2]* “We are soooo in!” *returning to me* “We will be there at 9:30 sharp.”

Me: “Well, I hope to see you all here tonight.”

(Later that night, [Callers #1, #2, and #3] show up at 9:30.)

Caller #3: “We are here; the supervisor said you accepted student IDs!”

Me: “Hi! You must be [Callers #1, #2, #3]. Let me see your clipped drivers’ licenses and student IDs.”

(I check them. The licenses and student IDs are clearly not theirs. The pictures in each of the girl’s licenses have a different facial structure, and one girl is miraculously missing a birthmark on her chin.)

Me: “All right, ladies, we have a VIP party in the back. Let me lead you there.”

Caller #1: *to the others* “Oh, my God! VIP? This is the best [High School] trip ever!”

(I walk them around the building with all of their IDs still in my hand.)

Me: “All right, officers, they’re all yours.”

(A couple of police officers are waiting for them at the back. As they are being handcuffed, one of the callers has a question.)

Caller #1: “Can we at least get our IDs back?”

Officer 1: “You can tell…” *reads names on all three IDs* “…that they can come to pick them up at the station. We would like to have a word with them.”

(To my knowledge, they were processed to scare them, and then released to their parents. The girls on the IDs were charged with “furnishing alcohol to minors,” and “providing identification to a minor for the sole purpose of obtaining alcohol.”)

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(A customer calls in complaining that her internet wasn’t working. I begin walking through the troubleshooting steps.)

Me: “Is the modem plugged into the power outlet?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Is the modem connected to the cable jack? And, are the lights all on it?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And the modem is plugged directly into the computer?”

Caller: “Yes, with a USB cable.”

(About ten minutes pass of me trying to figure out the problem, to no avail.)

Caller: “I don’t understand it! Everything is plugged in right, the cable is connected to the modem, and the modem is plugged into the printer!”

Me: “Wait, the printer?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s plugged into the printer. The printer is plugged into the computer so it will go through it.”

(The grocery store has an ongoing deal where a gas coupon for 6 cents off per gallon prints at the bottom of the receipt. The minimum purchase is $30 before tax.)

Me: “Your total comes to $29.76 before tax.”

Customer: “It says it’s $30 there!”

Me: “That’s after tax, sir. The coupon won’t print out unless you spend $30 before tax. If you add a candy bar, maybe?”

Customer: “It says $30!”

(He pays for the groceries.)

Customer: “Where’s my coupon?”

Me: “Like I told you, it didn’t come to $30 before tax. I told you that if you add a candy bar onto it–”

Customer: “Well, ring me up for a candy bar and give me my coupon!”

Me: “It doesn’t work like that, sir. It has to be $30 all at once.”

Customer: “You’ve got extra coupons back here, don’t you!? Just give me an extra one!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the coupons print at the bottom of receipts. We don’t have them to hand out. They will only print out when you purchase enough items.”

Customer: “Get me a coupon! I have a d*** candy bar!”

Me: “I can refund your entire order and then ring it up again with the candy bar. You’ll get the coupon that way, but your card might show a double charge for a brief period of time.”

Customer: “I don’t care! Do it!”

(I refund his entire purchase and then ring it up again, this time with a candy bar, putting his subtotal over $30. The 6-cent gas coupon prints out at the bottom. Satisfied, the man leaves.)

Coworker: “You know that guy doesn’t even own a car, right? He only has a bike.”

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