(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

My boyfriend calls a restaurant to make a dinner reservation for us for Valentine’s Day. When we get there, the restaurant is packed, and there are a bunch of people waiting right inside the door.

My husband goes up to the host and says we have a reservation. He confirms our name and tells us that they don’t typically take reservations for Valentine’s Day, but the guy who took it was new and didn’t know that. He says that since they took the reservation, they will honor it, so they show us to a table right away. We get some dirty looks.

I know it wasn’t our fault, but with all those people waiting, we felt kind of bad.

(I’ve just finished ringing up a teenage girl.)

Me: “Thank you. The bottom of your receipt has a survey. Fill that out for a chance to win a $250 gift card.”

Girl: “Why would I do that when I could just ask Daddy for money?”

Me: “I don’t know?”

Girl: “Exactly.” *flounces off with Waiakea water and Prada purse*

(I work in the shoe section of a department store. I’m usually in women’s, but this day I am covering men’s shoes. It is slow, so I do busy work involving prepping some very sparkly and very pink women’s shoes for the clearance table. A lady comes up to pay while I am doing so.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. Thank you.”

(She looks pointedly at the shoes I’m working on.)

Customer: “You didn’t get those in men’s, did you?”

Me: *laughing it off* “Oh! No, no, I’m just working on some busy work for women’s shoes.”

Customer: “Oh, okay! Good, for a second I thought something—” *she leans in real close before whispering* “—QUEER was going on here.”

(I was caught off guard and just waved her off before it really sunk in what she’d said. As someone on the LGBT+ spectrum, I spent a good while laughing about it.)

(My friend is mute and often uses sign language to communicate. Most customers know this, so they don’t expect much sound from him. I’m visiting him at work this day.)

Me: “Bet you get a bunch of crazies here.”

Friend: *nods and signs* “You do not know the start.”

(Just then, a customer gasps loudly and runs up to the counter, pointing her finger at my friend.)

Customer: “I’M TELLING YOUR MANAGER!”

Friend: *signs* “For what?”

Customer: “YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN! STOP THOSE GANG SIGNS!”

Me: “Uh… Ma’am, he’s mute. That means he can’t speak, so he has to use sign language.”

Customer: “LIAR! ONLY DEAF PEOPLE USE THAT. HE’S A MEMBER OF A GANG, AND YOU ARE, TOO! I’M TELLING THE MANAGER! YOU BOTH ARE GOING TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND SHOOT ME!” *runs away*

Me: “…so, is that the start?”

Friend: *looks at me with unamusement*