No Wonder Timmy Fell Down The Well So Many Times…

, , , , , | Learning | August 5, 2018

(I am in seventh-grade health class, and we have come to the week we all dread and are fascinated by: sex ed. The teacher is telling us about the changes in our bodies and how boys may sometimes get erections for no reason at all. Then, he says the sentence that I will remember for the rest of my life:)

Teacher: “Guys, if you get an erection while watching Lassie, it does not mean you love dogs.”

(When my son started puberty, I definitely shared this gem with him!)

This Police Force Is Very Middle-Of-The-Road

, , , | Legal | August 1, 2018

(I live along a popular highway that has only two lanes and runs through several small towns. It’s a popular route to the beach, and therefore, the traffic is pretty constant despite it being a small road. There is a particularly bad crash right out front of my house one day: a car hits a semi-truck head-on. I run outside and call 911 immediately, as I do not have the time to search for the local police number and, unfortunately, do not know it off of my head. Luckily, both the drivers of the truck and car are alive and conscious. The truck driver is fine, but the driver of the car has me help him out of his vehicle and asks if he can lay down in my yard, as he isn’t feeling well. Fifteen minutes pass with no police or EMTs showing up, and other drivers are beginning to drive through my yard to get around the wreck. Eventually, the man asks if he can use my restroom, and since he’s been waiting so long, I say yes. While I’m waiting for the man to come back out of my bathroom, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am, we spoke on the phone a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a problem with your address.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Can you please repeat it?”

(I repeat my address, which she then asks for two more times as conformation.)

Caller: “Yes, okay, that’s what I have written down… Huh.”

Me: “Is there a problem? Not to be rude, but why is it taking anyone so long to get here?”

Caller: “The police can’t find your house, ma’am.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “The [Town] police cannot find your location. They’ve driven around, but they can’t find your house or any wreck.”

Me: “What?! I can see the police station from my front yard! I’m looking at it right now. Traffic is almost backed the whole way up to it.”

(Sure enough, I’m at the bottom of a hill and the police station is near the top, totally visible from my front yard.)

Caller: *sputters* “That’s [address]?!”

Me: “Yes”

Caller: “[Address]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Caller: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Address].”

Me: “I’m going to hang up and call the local police station now.”

(I hang up, and, as promised, call the local cops.)

Cop: “Hello, this is officer [Cop].”

Me: “Hello, officer. I called in a wreck at [address] and the operator is telling me that you can’t find my house. Twenty-five minutes have passed since the collision. One of the drivers involved in the wreck is currently inside my house recovering.”

Cop: “Oh, yeah! You’re sayin’ it’s on [Street], but I can’t find you. You sure you got yer address right?”

Me: “Officer, the wreck is visible from the police station, as is my house, [address].”

Cop: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s next door to [Funeral Home], the lot where you guys sit and give out tickets every evening.”

Cop: “Oh! Okay, I’ll turn around and be right there.”

(Turned out they had all driven ten minutes in the opposite direction. It took the cops a total of thirty-five minutes to get there, and an ambulance didn’t arrive for an additional fourteen minutes.)

Too Chicken To Add Shrimp

, , , , , , | Right | July 31, 2018

(I am standing in line waiting to pay for a to-go order when I overhear the following:)

Customer: “I want the chicken broccoli with extra shrimp.”

Cashier: “So, you want chicken broccoli, and you want to add shrimp?”

Customer: “No, I want extra shrimp.”

Cashier: “Chicken broccoli comes with chicken; did you want shrimp broccoli?”

Customer: “No, I want chicken broccoli with extra shrimp.”

Cashier: “So, two extra add shrimps?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to add shrimp; I want extra shrimp.”

(I see the cashier die a little inside as she realizes she won’t be able to make this person understand.)

Cashier: “It’s an extra dollar.”

No Sunshine On This Cloudy Day

, , , , | Right | July 30, 2018

(I work in a fast food restaurant next to a hospital in one of the most sketchy parts of town. Our policy is that if a customer is missing food, we can only replace it if they have a receipt.)

Customer: “I was missing a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.”

Me: “Okay, pull around to the window and I’ll fix your order.”

Customer: *pulls around*

Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your receipt. I can’t replace it if I don’t have a receipt.”

Customer: “Nah, my girl came through earlier.”

Me: “Does she have a receipt? Or do you know what she ordered, so I can pull the order back up?”

Customer: “Nah, my girl came through. Do you not remember my girl?”

Me: *agitated* “I don’t know who your ‘girl’ is.”

Customer: “But that’s my girl. How do you not know my girl?”

(I just shut the window and let him pull up and speak with a manager.)

Unfiltered Story #117468

, , | Unfiltered | July 24, 2018

(This happens to my co-worker; we’re both servers.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to order the lemon pepper trout, please.”

Coworker: “Alright, that should be out in just a little bit.”

(The food comes out:)

Customer: “What’s this seasoning on the trout? Is that pepper? I can’t eat pepper. Can you have them recook this for me without the pepper?”

Coworker: …Yes, yes I can.

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