(My husband and I are at a well-known toy store, and they are running a coupon where you get ten dollars off if you spend a hundred dollars. We’re in line with our small amount of purchases — we don’t need the coupon ourselves — and we happen to get behind a guy who is clutching a smaller, plastic dollhouse in a death grip. He puts the dollhouse on the counter and beams proudly.)

Customer: “You know, I’m so glad I finally found this dollhouse! I’ve been to seven different toy stores, and I drove over an hour because you guys said you had it when I called.”

Employee: “Well, happy to help, sir.”

Customer: “My daughter’s birthday is the same day as Christmas, and she’s turning five. This is the only thing my wife wanted me to buy and I forgot to get it. I’m so glad you had it!”

Employee: “That’s what we’re here for, sir. Your total comes to $26.95.”

Customer: “Here’s a coupon for ten bucks off.” *hands over a coupon for ten off of a hundred*

Employee: “Sir, I cannot accept that coupon on this purchase. The total purchase has to be for a hundred dollars for the coupon to work.”

Customer: *no longer very thankful* “WHAT? IT DOESN’T SAY THAT! WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT? SHOW ME!”

(Even from behind him we can see the print on the coupon, which clearly says, “Ten dollars off a hundred-dollar purchase.” She points to the bold print, and he goes ballistic.)

Customer: “You’re just doing this to ruin my daughter’s birthday! You could take that coupon, but you want to see my daughter suffer! My wife will kill me if I don’t come home with this dollhouse! You’ll give me this coupon right now!”

Employee: “Sir, I am not going to give you this coupon on a twenty-five-dollar purchase. A manager will not give you this coupon on a twenty-five-dollar purchase. You can of course ask, but it won’t happen.”

Customer: *now looking at my husband* “You see how they do us? This b**** does this stuff for kicks! She wants to ruin my daughter’s birthday! She wants to ruin my daughter’s Christmas! She wants to piss my wife off! Hey, man, back me up. She should give me the discount, right?”

My Husband: “No, she should have you kicked out. And if I were in your shoes, I’d either buy the d*** toy, the toy you forgot, the only toy you were supposed to get, and pay full price, or go back and pick out seventy-five more dollars’ worth of stuff so I could get my coupon. I wouldn’t yell at a young woman for something she can’t change, and I wouldn’t take my frustrations of my own stupidity out on her, either. Now, just buy the toy so we can ring up, and let this girl go home sometime tonight.”

(The guy looked at my husband as if he was ready to fight, but as my husband was easily a good eight inches taller than him and a lot bigger than him, he instead threw the dollhouse on the ground and marched out of the store screaming, “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY! YOU’VE RUINED MY DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY! YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS! MY WIFE IS GOING TO KILL ME!” The cashier, who had looked a little worried up until this point, thanked my husband profusely for backing her up. The guy lost his mind all because he couldn’t buy an already cheap dollhouse for ten dollars less. I’m pretty sure the loss of the dollhouse isn’t the thing that ruined his poor child’s Christmas.)

(I’m a manager at a clothing company that offers a lifetime guarantee on its products. The policy is pretty loose, and to accompany the policy we have the ability to make adjustments for “difficult” customers. It’s two minutes before close when a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Am I too late?”

Me: “No, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I don’t want to return this; I just saw that it’s 50% off now, so I want to get the price adjusted.”

(She hands me a receipt, which I notice is over a year old.)

Me: “Ma’am, our policy for price adjustments is two weeks; this was purchased over a year ago.”

Customer: *snaps* “Yeah, but this is [Company], so I’ll just return it and buy it back.”

(Not in the mood for arguing, I begin to process the adjustment.)

Customer: *in a smart tone* “Are you having a good night?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. So, it looks like it’s the same price today as it was a year ago.”

Customer: “Um, no, I paid [current price plus tax].”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, well, it’s half off of the original.” *pulling out a calculator to show her the math* “So, half of [price] is—”

Customer: “YEAH, I KNOW! I CAN DO MATH IN MY HEAD!”

Me: “Okay, yes, so the extra was for taxes. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about taxes.”

Customer: “YES, I KNOW THAT!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, sorry about that, but just for future reference we do price adjustments for up to two weeks.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I will just return whatever and repurchase it. This has been sitting in my dining room just like this for a year!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, have a great night!”

(Ah, the sweet taste of victory.)

Me: *ultra enthusiastic* “Hi, guys–”

Male Diner: *interrupts”* “I want a Corona!”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t carry Corona, sir.” *shows him beer list* “I can offer you a Dos Equis, if you’d like?”

Male Diner: “No! I don’t want that; I want Corona! Fine, just give me a Bud Light Lime!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t carry Bud Light Lime. This is the list of beer that I do have. I have Bud or Bud Light, if you’d be interested in one of those?”

Male Diner: “No, I just want a good American beer, like Corona, or Heineken! Or just a Bud Light Platinum, or lime!”

Me: *long pause* “Sir, I’m going to grab you a water and give you a few minutes to look over the menu and decide what beer you’d like.”

Male Diner: “I don’t want water. I want a Corona!”

Me: “…”

Me: “Ma’am, what can I get you to drink?”

Female Diner: “Is there alcohol in a Mojito?”

Me: *sigh*

(I work in the service department of a large electronics store. We work on consumer electronics. While we traditionally do not do phone support, we do take phone calls, and we usually try to find out if the issue is with their computer — which we can work on if they bring it to us — or something else like their network, in which case they would need to contact their ISP. I have quickly realized the issue is with the caller’s modem and/or router, not with the computer.)

Me: “Sir, from what you are describing, this issue isn’t the computer. I would recommend calling your ISP.”

Caller: “My what?”

Me: “Your Internet provider, the people you pay for Internet access.”

Caller: “How dare you?! I have a bachelor’s degree from [Local University]; I graduated with honors! You have the gall to want to dumb down your speech to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, most people aren’t technically-minded, so we have to use a lot of analogies and break things down.”

Caller: “Well, that is not an excuse. Now, I need my… my…” *almost whiny sounding* “…my blinky box isn’t blinky anymore and I need it working!”

Me: “Um… We don’t work on blinky boxes, only computers. Please call your Internet access provider. Thank you and goodbye.”

(I hung up the phone and immediately burst out laughing.)

(Thanks to starting a new job, I am finally able to afford to go to a dentist for the first time in five years. After the x-rays, it is determined that I have a cavity in between two molars, so I’ll need to be numbed. My last dentist, who was a pediatric dentist, had a habit of practically stabbing the needle into my gums, so when the hygienist towards me with the syringe, I instinctively grip the chair’s armrests.)

Dentist: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Just fine; I just don’t have good experiences with dentists and needles. But I can deal with it.”

(The dentist and hygienist exchange a concerned look and administer the shot. Instead of a jab, I barely feel a pinch. While we wait for it to take effect, we just make small chat.)

Dentist: “[My Name], you said your last dentist was a pediatric dentist, correct?”

Me: “Yeah, I think I was 15 or 16 when I last saw them. I had to get sealants on my back molars.”

Dentist: “Did they numb you?”

Me: “Yeah, only on one side, though. When they numbed me on the left, I swore the needle nearly hit bone, so I begged them not to numb the other side.”

Dentist: “And they listened?”

Me: “Yup, it hurt less than the needle.”

Dentist: *pause* “Was your dentist, by chance, the one whose practice is at [Location Downtown]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Dentist: “Dear God, no wonder we got so many of his patients when we opened.”