This is a story my mom told me about one of her friends from years ago. Her friend was working part-time on a Navy base giving out equipment to service members using the sporting facilities — tennis courts, pool, gym, etc. The service member would have to sign in with their name and rank.

One time she had an older gentleman come up and he signed his rank as “R.A.” She saw that and said, “You look a little old to be a Radioman’s Assistant.” He looked at her and said, “That’s Rear Admiral.” She said, “Uh, well, here’s your tennis racket, Admiral. Enjoy your game.”

She made sure she wasn’t there when he brought the racket back.

(I work at a full-service hotel; we do it all for our guests, no matter the request. However, one day an elderly woman asked me to turn off the cameras in her room.)

Me: “What cameras, ma’am?”

Guest: “They’re stealing my soul! You must turn off the cameras in my room!”

Me: “Ma’am, there aren’t any cameras in your room. It is illegal for us to do such a thing.”

(She continued to insist there were cameras stealing her soul, and it was becoming too much. So, I eventually agreed to just deactivate any cameras to her room number. She smiled and said a grateful thank you, then went on to eat her breakfast.)

(I am fifteen and skinny, and I keep losing weight, so I have to go to the doctor to be weighed once a month to prove I don’t have an eating disorder and that my ADD medication isn’t screwing up my metabolism. I suspect it IS the medication, but I really don’t want to be taken off it because it helps me enormously, so one day, I get the bright idea to hide sacks of pennies in my clothes to make myself heavier.)

Nurse: “Okay, just take off your jacket and shoes, and step onto the scale, please.”

(When I bend down to take off my shoes, one of the sacks of pennies falls out of my pant leg.)

Nurse: “Oh, what’s that?”

Me: “Um… pennies… because I’m going to the bank later. To turn them in. Yeah.”

Nurse: *still friendly but clearly not buying my bulls*** at all* “Riiight. Got any more?”

(Fortunately, my doctor just laughed and told me not to do it again. A week or so later, my dad went to the same doctor. While weighing him, the nurse told him to take his hand off the wall. My dad jokingly asked if she thought he was trying to cheat, and she told him the funny story of the girl who came in with her clothes full of pennies.)

(Every Christmas, my grandmother spends all of December baking cookies. I’ve gone up to help her out, so I’m icing some mint cookies while she’s dipping her batch in chocolate. While she’s not usually one for swearing, I’ve picked up quite a vocabulary from friends so I try and watch my language around my family.)

Grandma: *drops a cookie into the chocolate* “Oh, s***! Sorry!”

Grandma: *stuck-together cookies break* “Well, s***! Sorry!”

(I’ve run out of room for more cookies, so I use a spatula to lift the iced ones onto spare cookie sheets to dry. It’s going well until one leaps off my spatula and lands icing-side down. We both stare at it.)

Me: “Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffudge muffins!”

Grandma: *bursts out laughing*

(A worried-looking woman rushes into the vet’s waiting room, pulls out a double-bagged yellow liquid, and tries to hand it to the receptionist.)

Woman: “IS THIS A NORMAL COLOR FOR MY CAT’S URINE?!”

(It was.)