Haven’t Got The Balls To Eat Them

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(I am a guy in my early 20s. My mother, her friend, and I get lunch at the restaurant where my roommate works. He is our waiter and comes to take our order.)

Friend: “I can’t remember the word for it, but I’d like the octopus testicles.”

Waiter: “The what?”

Friend: “You know, octopus testicles!”

Waiter: “Um…”

Mom: *laughs*

Me: *poker face*

Friend: “What? You know what I’m talking about. Octopus testicles!”

Waiter: “Uh…”

(This continues on for half a dozen requests for octopus “testicles.” I’m trying, and utterly failing, to contain laughter. My mom is close to busting a rib, and my roommate is silently standing there with an extremely uncomfortable look on his face.)

Mom: *whispers in her friend’s ear*

Friend: *eyes popping out* “Oh! Oh, no!”

Mom: “She wants the calamari.”

(She thought she was saying “tentacles.”)

Make Ireland Great Again

, , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am working checkout when a grumpy-looking customer approaches. She eyes my Celtic knot necklace.)

Customer: *suspiciously* “What does your necklace mean?”

Me: “Um, I don’t think it means anything.”

Customer: “So, you don’t know what it means.”

Me: “I mean, it’s a Celtic knot.”

Customer: “Celtic? Is that like the KKK?”

Me: “What? No! No! Celtic! As in, Irish?”

Customer: “Oh.” *still looks like she doesn’t believe me*

Minimum Wage, Minimum Effort

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2018

(I work at a convenience store and gas station that has 20 pumps and is open 24 hours. It is the early 2000s when gas is around $1 a gallon. We frequently get people trying to scam us for gas. I am working third shift when a customer enters.)

Customer: “Hey, is there anything around here I can do for $10 worth of gas? I’m trying to get back to [Town two hours away].”

Me: “Absolutely! You can go outside and empty and change all 15 trash bags, sweep the parking lot, sweep up inside, clean both restrooms, and then mop the floors.”

Customer: “I’ve got to do all that?”

Me: “Well, yeah. It should only take about an hour.”

Customer: “I’m not doing all that!”

Me: “Well, I have to do all of that, and even I don’t get paid $10 an hour.”

Customer: “F*** that!”

Unfiltered Story #107413

, , , | Unfiltered | March 20, 2018

(I just got done ringing up the order of a presumably Mexican man and on my next customer, a black woman. My guess is that she heard me struggling to understand his order due to his thick accent and got impatient.)

Customer: “He needs to learn how to speak English, especially if he wants to live here.”

Me: “Well, he ordered in English.”

Customer: “Better English.”

Of Mice And Men And Cats And Boyfriends

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 17, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are hanging out, watching anime. Of note, my boyfriend is a couple years older than me. Predictably, my cat decides that he really, really needs to be the center of attention.)

Me: *hugging cat* “I got you. You’re trapped. No escape.”

(My cat wriggles free and runs off, but is back on my lap within 30 seconds.)

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: *hugging cat again* “I’m gonna love him, and feed him, and name him George!”

(As my cat once again escapes me, I see that my boyfriend has a confused look on his face.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re not old enough to get that joke!”

Me: “Uh, no, it was assigned reading back in high school.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men? Lenny and George?”

(My boyfriend just looks even more confused.)

Me: “Or are you thinking of the Looney Toons jokes referencing it?”

Boyfriend: “Wait, wha– YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW LOONEY TOONS!”

Me: “It’s older than your parents.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Cat: *trying to put his butt on my face* “MREOW!”

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