You Owe Me An Explanation

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2018

(I am on reception at a leisure centre that has various activities going on at once. It is very busy, as it is the Easter holidays, and it’s raining. An old lady comes up to the desk with her grandson:)

Customer: *in a very quiet voice* “What do I owe you?”

Me: *leaning towards her to be able to hear her* “Sorry?”

Customer: “What do I owe you?”

Me: *still with my head leaning over the counter and whispering too* “I don’t know. You haven’t told me what you want to do.”

Customer: *suddenly louder* “Well, I have never been here before, so I don’t know what to do!”

Me: *in my head* “Perhaps tell me what you want to do before I charge you! I have to do this mad, crazy thing called ‘put information into the till’!”

Unfiltered Story #116233

, , , | Unfiltered | July 6, 2018

I was Lifeguarding today and had this question…

Customer: ‘How fast is your slide?’

Monkeying Around In The Editing Room

, , , , , , | Related | June 25, 2018

(I am watching a nature documentary with my mum. It’s not what we’re used to; there’s a lot of unnecessary music overlays, dramatic pauses, and I’m pretty sure some heavy video editing to force the desired effect and make it more story-telling. We’re both finding it wearing to watch, as a result. It’s on a segment about the langur monkey; the announcer simply states they’re very rare, and then we get to see clips with very loud, happy-go-lucky music playing over it.)

Voiceover Guy: “But then, when it gets dark, the monkeys can’t stay out.”

(The music changes dramatically, and it shows the sun setting and a monkey looking around, which then reaches over and snatches up its orange baby, before they all run in dramatic slow-motion for the cliff.)

Voiceover Guy: “They must seek shelter, for there are dangers in the dark…”

(It shows the monkeys climbing the cliff face, babies clinging on to them.)

Voiceover Guy: “They climb and climb, the higher the better. But the cliffs are dangerous, and it’s not unknown for a monkey to fall…”

(It is still showing the monkeys climbing the cliff face, looking very stable in their climbing ability. A shadow that was clearly added in after is creeping up on them.)

Mum: “By, ‘It’s not unknown,’ he means, ‘rarely happens.’”

Voiceover Guy: “They have gone high enough. Now they’ll look for shelter. Even the babies are aware of the danger they’re in.”

(Close up on a bright orange puffball looking around in — presumably — its mother’s arms.)

Me: “To be honest, if you grabbed me whilst I was playing on a branch, then legged it up a cliff, I’d be pretty alarmed.”

Voiceover Guy: “They have found shelter. They will be safe from the dangers that lurk in the night…” *cue really, really slow-motion of the sun setting and the moon rising*

Me: *whilst slow-motion is still going* “What are they scared of? Jaguars? Bats?” *can’t think of another nocturnal animal* “Badgers?”

(A slow-motion thunderstorm now is on the screen.)

Mum & Me: “Thunderstorms?”

Voiceover Guy: *moving to a completely different topic* “In Australia…”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Mum: “What about the danger to the monkeys?!”

(It never went back to explain the “dangers of the night” that the monkeys ran away from.)

Six Hours In Hell

, , , , , , | Right | June 16, 2018

(I clean houses for extra money. As I live on the coast, a lot of them are holiday lets, but this is a domestic clean. The “lady” of the house rings me and asks if I can clean her house twice a week.)

Lady: “I reckon it will take about six hours.”

Me: *thinking* “Does she live in Buckingham Palace? An average house takes about two hours to clean.” *saying* “Okay, I will pop round and see you!”

(I get the address and am greeted by two four-wheel drives on the driveway, which already gives me an impression of whom I am dealing with.)

Me: “Hi! I am the cleaner.”

Lady: “Yes. In here.”

(I walk into a kitchen that is an absolute mess and stank of dogs and cigarettes. I smoke, but this makes my eyes water.)

Me: “So, what is it you wanted?”

Lady: “Well, I want somebody here for six hours and I want them to do…” *she takes me round the house and it is obvious she just wants somebody to boss around* “…and I don’t want to be their friend, and I want to be able to sack them when I want.”

Me: “Okay, what days did you want?”

Lady: “Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

Me: “Oh, no! I am booked up on those days.”

(I got out quick. I still drive past that house and wonder if she ever did get a cleaner that would spend six hours in that smell and would be sacked at whim. And it still makes me chuckle.)

Not Going To Toy With Them

, , , | | Right | June 8, 2018

(At roughly ten am, a guest enters the lobby of our hotel with a very large cardboard box in his arms with a smaller box perched on top, and a large-volume duffel bag —  which rattles oddly — over his shoulder. As he arrives, my supervisor is in the staff office just next to the front desk.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you at all?”

Guest: “Yeah, I’d like to check in, if that’s okay.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry, sir, the rooms are just being cleaned at the moment. Check-in is allowed after twelve, to make sure your room is completely clean for you. I can notify the cleaning team that you have already arrived and would like your room prioritised by the cleaning staff so you can go in early, if you’d like?”

Guest: “That’d be great, thanks! Um, is there somewhere I can leave my stuff? It’s quite heavy and we’re actually going out today.”

Me: “Of course, if you’ll pop it down, I’ll come out and collect it while my supervisor takes your details to get your room cleaned. I’ll label your things and bring you out your claim ticket in just a minute! If you could please wait here, I’ll do that for you now.”

Guest: *looking a little pink for some reason* “Okay, thanks!”

(I go tell my supervisor what the guest needs and carry his things into the office. At this point, I’m going to confess that my own bedroom life is extremely “spicy” and, as such, I do enough adult shopping to recognise most of the “discreet” packaging. As soon as I’ve labelled all his things with the corresponding ticket number, I notice something. Both boxes are unopened, from a very popular sex toy website which happens to be my favourite. I know every listing on that site, and I burst into silent hysterics at having wrestled those items into the office, realising why I recognised the rattling in the bag as chains muffled by rope; mine make the same sound. I get it together, smile, and walk back out to hand the guest his ticket.)

Guest: “…so, yeah, it’s just really nice for me and my wife to spend a night out away from the kids once in a while to recharge, you know? Just to relax alone together and get some rest.” *laughs* “Oh, thanks.”

(I hand his ticket over, biting my tongue.)

Supervisor: “That’s wonderful. I hope you have a pleasant day, sir.”

Me: *smirking a little* “Yes, have a great time today, sir.”

Guest: *absent-mindedly drifting away, smiling broadly* “Oh, I definitely will.”

(I hesitated to tell my supervisor that the man and his wife had just checked in with an obscene amount of sex and BDSM toys for luggage, but was horrified to see on the screen that he’d been placed right next to an occupied family room with two adults and two young children. I had no way to move him myself because I wasn’t trained to use the room allocation system. He didn’t complain about being moved to a vacant section of rooms when he came back to collect his items, though. The customer may be always right, but not necessarily about the time and place for certain things.)

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