Some People Have The Nerve

, , , , , , | Learning | November 6, 2017

(One of my friends at college has a hidden disability. Her nerve endings send pain signals so she is in constant pain; however, walking is doable. On top of that, she needs a hip replacement at the age of 18, which makes stairs impossible. This means she takes the lift just going up a single flight of stairs. I’ve started going with her because she’s told me people often make comments. We get the lift with a group of guys who are on the sports degree. I press the button for floor one.)

Guy #1: *condescendingly* “That’s lazy, don’t you think?”

Me: *smiles* “My friend’s nerve endings don’t work properly, which means she’s in constant agony. Plus, she needs a double hip replacement due to a birth defect.”

(There’s silence.)

Guy #2: *to [Guy #1] in a light jovial tone* “Bet you feel like a right d*** now.”

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Thievery Requires Classy Caffeination

, , , , , , , | Related | November 3, 2017

(I am making a cup of tea for myself when Mum yells through the house to make her a cup of coffee, as well. I see there are two options: [Extremely Expensive Brand] and [Extremely Cheap Brand]. Both are open, but the cheap brand is further forward and seems to be more used. In fact, the expensive brand is practically hidden away, as it’s in the tea section of the cupboard, on its side, and behind the tea itself. Since I know Mum adores her expensive brand, I ask, yelling across the house.)

Me: “[Cheap Brand] or [Expensive Brand]?”

Mum: “Oh, just use the [Cheap Brand], because—” *incoherent as the kettle is boiling at that moment*

(I walk through to her.)

Me: “What were you saying? I only heard about using [Cheap Brand]. Also, why do you have two brands open?”

Mum: “Oh, I don’t. [Cheap Brand] jar contains [Expensive Brand].”

Me: “Why?”

Mum: “Because [Expensive Brand] is too big to fit in the coffee cupboard, so I fill the [Cheap Brand] jar with it so I can get it in there.”

Me: “Oh.” *pauses, then adds jokingly* “You know, Mum, you’re supposed to put the cheap stuff in the expensive container, so you seem classier, not make yourself look poorer.”

Mum: “But if someone robbed the place, they’d go, ‘Oh, they drink [Cheap Brand]; they must not have any money, so there’s no point robbing them,’ and then we’d be fine.”

Me: “Why would a burglar be in our coffee cupboard?”

Mum: “Burglars need a cuppa every now and then, too, you know!”

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They Can Have Their Pie And Eat It

, , , , , | Friendly | October 4, 2017

(My friend and I are both still at high school and are 15 years old. My mum has a strict ‘no-one round on a school night’ policy, as there will be school/work the next morning. It is a Wednesday, meaning I’m not allowed people over, when this happens)

Mum: “Does [Friend] like pie?”

Me: “Probably. Why?”

Mum: “Well, I’m cooking the pie Grandpa bought for us from the butcher, and I’ve realised it’s too big for just the two of us, so I’m wondering if [Friend] wants to come over?”

Me: “Er… are you telling me to invite [Friend] over for tea? On a Wednesday night?”

Mum: “Yes.”

Me: “We have school tomorrow.”

Mum: “I know. It’s fine.”

(I call my friend up.)

Me: “Hi, [Friend]. I have a couple of weird questions.”

Friend: “Hello! What is it?”

Me: “Have you had tea? And if not, do you like pie?”

Friend: “Er… No, I haven’t, and yes, I do. Why?”

Me: “Mum’s baked a pie that’s too big for the two of us. She wants you to help us eat the pie.”

Friend: *there’s a pause before I hear her shouting to her mum* “Mum, can I go to [My Name]’s for pie? Her mum’s made too much and needs a [Friend’s Family Surname] to help out!” *there’s another pause* “Mum says yes; she’ll drop me there in a few!”

(About five or six years later, this friend is now at uni, and have been having a long conversation on the phone. At an hour, the phone call stops being free, so we agree to hang up and call back. I get the call back quickly, but it’s not what I expect.)

Friend: “You know we said we’d continue this conversation?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Friend: “[Housemate] has just turned up with pie that’s too big for them.”

Me: “Are you needed?”

Friend: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Me: “I totally understand; you’re the pie eating hero we do not deserve but need.”

Friend: “I knew you’d understand. You and I having an understanding when it comes to pie.”

(Even ten years after the incident, the fact my mum invited my friend over for a pie is still a joke in our household and with our group of friends.)

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Unfiltered Story #94364

, , | Unfiltered | September 19, 2017

(In the town where I lived, a bank changed its phone number, and the new number happened to be very similar to mine. This sparked all kinds of problems. I kept coming home from work to messages – many of which contained very sensitive information such as bank account numbers, cards details and pin numbers. I deleted them immediately and contacted the bank to tell them. The bank manager apologised and said he would send out a letter to all their customers telling them to be extra careful when dialling but also to remind them not to leave sensitive information on any messages. Despite the manager’s best efforts, I keep getting calls and coming home to messages. I couldn’t change my number because the phone company would’ve charged me for it. I figure that the customers would eventually get the message. Besides, most of the callers are polite, if a little embarrassed when I tell them they have to wrong number. However, one morning I get roused at 8am by a phone call. I am still half asleep when I answer.)

Me: “Uh … hello …?”

Woman: “That’s a terrible way to answer a call. So rude.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Woman: “My name is Mrs [Name]. I need to make an appointment to discuss my savings account with you-”

Me: “Sorry to interrupt, but you’ve got the wrong number. This isn’t [bank].”

Woman: “How DARE you interrupt me! Are you new?”

Me: “I don’t work at [bank]. You have the wrong number.”

Woman: “Look just make me the appointment this is very important.”

Me: “You have called a private residence. This is not [bank]. You need to hang up and try again.”

Woman: “You insolent little b****! I demand your name!”

Me: “I’m not giving you my name. You’ve got the wrong number!

Woman: “You’re just saying that to cover your a**. Typical young person – you’re all lazy and rude. Get me your manager now!”

Me: “This. Isn’t. [Bank]. You have called a private residence. The new number for the bank is one digit different to mine. You have the wrong number. I cannot get the manager because I am not in the bank – I am in my house. You are not speaking to a [bank] employee.”

Woman: “That’s it! I’m going to make a complaint and get you fired! You are a rude and insolent little b****.”

Me: “Good luck with that. I don’t even work for [bank]. Like I keep telling you, you have the wrong number.”

Woman: “How dare you! That’s it; I’m coming down to the bank. I know the branch manager personally. I hope you enjoy the unemployment line.”

Me: “I hope you enjoy trying to fire somebody who doesn’t even work for the bank.”

*I hang up*

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Oh What Fools These Mortals Be

, , , , , , | Right | June 5, 2017

(I am browsing through a book shop when I see a boy run up to his dad clutching a book. From where I am I can see it is a complete collection of Shakespeare.)

Boy: “Dad! I found it!”

(The dad takes the books and looks at it.)

Dad: “Put it back. You just need one of the plays for school.”

Boy: “But it’s on offer; it’s the same price as Macbeth but it’s all of them, see?”

Dad: “It’s a waste of money. You shouldn’t buy collections. They’re just a way to get more money from you.”

Boy: “But it’s the same price as just the one–”

Dad: “Shakespeare will just release another book, and they’ll all have different covers and you’ll have to buy the new complete collection. Just buy the one you need.”

Boy: “But Dad, I really want this one.”

(When the two continue to argue, a member of staff who had previously been putting books on a display walks over.)

Staff Member: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but overhear. The collection is an excellent bargain; it’s half price today. And I can assure you there will be no other plays by William Shakespeare because he’s dead.”

Dad: “Of course you’d say that. You want us to spend more money.”

Staff Member: “It’s the same price as a book with just one of his plays in it and like I said, there is no chance of there being another Shakespeare play, or anything else by him for that matter.”

Dad: “Look, I know Shakespeare isn’t a real person. He’s like a mascot to get people to go see plays and make people think it’s good.”

(At this point I have to hide around the corner because I start laughing. I find what I am looking for and head for the register. As I get there, the dad and his son are being served. It looks like the dad has agreed to buy the collection but is still arguing because when I come within earshot of the registers I hear the cashier say:)

Cashier: “I’ll tell you what, sir. If William Shakespeare ever publishes anything else, I will refund you the full price of the book and give you £100 from my own pocket.”

(The dad walked away looking smug while the son kept his eyes to the ground, looking very embarrassed.)

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