So, When A Sentient Consenting Lifeform And A Consenting Sentient Lifeform…

, , , , , | | Learning | July 27, 2019

(This is 2008. In year 11, once again, we’re doing a section about relationships and safe sex. I have a fairly outspoken male classmate who is actually really easy to get on with and whom most the teachers like.)

Teacher: “So, when a husband and wife–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be husband and wife?”

Teacher: “Good point. When a man and a woman–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be a man and a woman?”

Teacher: “Er… When a male and a female–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be a male and a female?”

Teacher: “What do you want from me?”

Classmate: “Why can’t it be ‘a man and a man’ or ‘a woman and a woman’ or… ‘a genderless and a genderless.’ Let’s get a bit of inclusivity in here!”

Teacher: “Last year, I had parents complain due to inclusivity.”

Classmate: “Well, that’s stupid.”

Teacher: “I know… So, when a person and a person–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be people?”

Teacher: “You are not five!”

Not The Getaway Driver Today

, , , , , | | Related | July 25, 2019

(My mum and I are in the car. Further down the road is a parked police car.)

Mum: “Oh, there could be police about. Better watch myself!”

(I look over, confused. She’s doing the speed limit, we both have our seatbelts on, and she’s obeying every road law that I know.)

Mum: *suddenly realising* “Hang on. I’m obeying the law already!”

Me: “I was gonna say…”

(To add, my mum has never been in trouble with the police, and she has never disobeyed driving laws, so why she thought she might be I don’t know.)

Knows Where You Can Shove That Mozzarella Stick

, , , , , | | Working | July 11, 2019

(I’ve just started working in the kitchen of a bingo hall as a food runner, and one of the chefs is eating a mozzarella stick, as it’s quiet. Just as she’s finishing her last mouthful, a senior member of staff comes in.)

Manager: “I hope you paid for that.”

Chef #1: *whilst eating* “Paid for what?”

(The manager turns to the other chef, looking for affirmation.)

Manager: “[Chef #2]?”

Chef #2: “She told me not to say anything.”

(The manager turns to me.)

Manager: “[My Name], remember you’re on probation and I can fire you.”

Me: “I saw nothing. Unless I need it for blackmail.”

Manager: “Okay.”

(He then grabbed a slice of bacon out of the warming tray and started eating it as he left.)

Feel Good About The Little Things

, , , , , | | Related | June 22, 2019

(Mum and I are watching TV. An advert plays that has a CGI slinky.)

Mum: “You know, there are people out there who can do all sorts of things with a slinky.”

Me: *grumpily* “I can’t even successfully push one down the stairs.”

Mum: *with excitement and pride* “I can!”

Me: *laughing at her giddiness* “You sound so proud of yourself.”

Mum: “I am!”

Not Banking On Them Listening

, , , , | | Right | June 5, 2019

(A local bank has changed its phone number, and the new number happens to be very similar to mine. I keep coming home from work to messages, many of which contain very sensitive information such as bank account numbers, card details, and PINs. I delete them immediately and contact the bank to tell them. The bank manager apologises and says he will send out a letter to all their customers telling them to be extra careful when dialling, but also to remind them not to leave sensitive information on any messages. Despite the manager’s best efforts, I keep getting calls and coming home to messages. I can’t change my number because the phone company will charge me for it. I figure that the customers will eventually get the message. Besides, most of the callers are polite, if a little embarrassed when I tell them they have the wrong number. One morning I get roused at 8:00 am by a phone call. I am still half asleep when I answer.)

Me: “Uh… hello?”

Caller: “That’s a terrible way to answer a call. So rude.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Caller: “My name is Mrs. [Caller]. I need to make an appointment to discuss my savings account with you—“

Me: “Sorry to interrupt, but you’ve got the wrong number. This isn’t [Bank].”

Caller: “How dare you interrupt me?! Are you new?”

Me: “I don’t work at [Bank]. You have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Look, just make me the appointment; this is very important.”

Me: “You have called a private residence. This is not [Bank]. You need to hang up and try again.”

Caller: “You insolent little b****! I demand your name!”

Me: “I’m not giving you my name. You’ve got the wrong number!

Caller: “You’re just saying that to cover your a**. Typical young person; you’re all lazy and rude. Get me your manager now!”

Me: “This. Isn’t. [Bank]. You have called a private residence. The new number for the bank is one digit different to mine. You have the wrong number. I cannot get the manager because I am not in the bank; I am in my house. You are not speaking to a [Bank] employee.”

Caller: “That’s it! I’m going to make a complaint and get you fired! You are a rude and insolent little b****.”

Me: “Good luck with that. I don’t even work for [Bank]. Like I keep telling you, you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “How dare you?! That’s it; I’m coming down to the bank. I know the branch manager personally. I hope you enjoy the unemployment line.”

Me: “I hope you enjoy trying to fire somebody who doesn’t even work for the bank.”

(I hang up.)