The Demands Fell Right In His Lap

, , , , , , | Right | July 20, 2018

(I am a customer in this one, at a popular pizza chain with a friend. We have spent the day shopping and are getting a bite for dinner. There is a family at the next table across from us, and the husband is kicking off at everything. When they order drinks he screams at the waitress because he says she got his order wrong. He keeps saying they got things wrong or that they’ve had to wait for a long time — it is Friday night and it is the dinner time rush — and he just keeps being really rude. It is obvious he is just trying to eat for free, because he keeps saying he ordered something different when we and his wife know they’ve brought exactly what he ordered. The wife is sitting there, just getting so pissed off, begging him to be quiet. She keeps trying to correct him, saying, “But that’s what you ordered,” but he keeps telling her to shut up.)

Wife: “Will you stop making a scene? I just wanted a nice family dinner.”

Husband: “Shut up! When I come for a meal and pay this much for a bit of bread with some cheese and tomato on it, which probably only cost them a few pennies, I demand nothing less than perfection!”

(The waitress heads over with refills the husband ordered. She looks close to tears; the guy has gotten nastier as the night progresses, and has begun to call her names. Even the manager is keeping close by, ready to chuck him out, but he waits. The waitress is in such a rush to get him his drink so he can finish and go that she trips just as she gets to the table, and the glasses clatter over on the table near the husband. Luckily, most of the liquid misses him and he only gets a few splotches on his knee, but that is it. He explodes in a fit of rage. The manager comes over when he starts shouting obscenities. The wife looks so fed up, angry, and embarrassed.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to keep it down and watch your language; this is a family restaurant. I’ll make sure all your drinks are free, and throw in free desserts for everyone. Just please keep calm. If you have any problems I’ll be happy to help.”

Husband: “The service has been s*** all night. I want all my meal for free! I shouldn’t have to pay for this s***!”

Manager: “I can’t promise that, but I’ll see what I can do.”

(The husband seems calmer, and he smiles as the waitress and the manager bustle off to get him new drinks and desserts. The wife is just steaming.)

Husband: “You wait; I’ll get our entire meal for free.”

(The wife just sits there fuming. Their poor kids just look unhappy because everyone in the restaurant is staring and muttering about their dad. The waitress comes over with drinks and very carefully sets them down. The husband says nothing. Then, the wife takes his soda with lots of ice in it and just tips it into his lap, very slowly. The poor waitress looks horrified, but everyone in the restaurant cheers.)

Wife: “Bring us the bill; we’ll pay for it all. I’m really sorry.”

(The wife reaches into her purse and hands the waitress a £20 note.)

Wife: “That’s for you. Hardly enough for putting up with his s*** all evening, but at least you only have to put up with it tonight. I’ve had to live with this a**hole for ten years now.”

(I’ve always hated creeps who go to a restaurant angling to get a free meal. It was nice to see one get his comeuppance. I just hope the wife divorced him. I know I would have.)

You Owe Me An Explanation

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2018

(I am on reception at a leisure centre that has various activities going on at once. It is very busy, as it is the Easter holidays, and it’s raining. An old lady comes up to the desk with her grandson:)

Customer: *in a very quiet voice* “What do I owe you?”

Me: *leaning towards her to be able to hear her* “Sorry?”

Customer: “What do I owe you?”

Me: *still with my head leaning over the counter and whispering too* “I don’t know. You haven’t told me what you want to do.”

Customer: *suddenly louder* “Well, I have never been here before, so I don’t know what to do!”

Me: *in my head* “Perhaps tell me what you want to do before I charge you! I have to do this mad, crazy thing called ‘put information into the till’!”

Unfiltered Story #116233

, , , | Unfiltered | July 6, 2018

I was Lifeguarding today and had this question…

Customer: ‘How fast is your slide?’

Monkeying Around In The Editing Room

, , , , , , | Related | June 25, 2018

(I am watching a nature documentary with my mum. It’s not what we’re used to; there’s a lot of unnecessary music overlays, dramatic pauses, and I’m pretty sure some heavy video editing to force the desired effect and make it more story-telling. We’re both finding it wearing to watch, as a result. It’s on a segment about the langur monkey; the announcer simply states they’re very rare, and then we get to see clips with very loud, happy-go-lucky music playing over it.)

Voiceover Guy: “But then, when it gets dark, the monkeys can’t stay out.”

(The music changes dramatically, and it shows the sun setting and a monkey looking around, which then reaches over and snatches up its orange baby, before they all run in dramatic slow-motion for the cliff.)

Voiceover Guy: “They must seek shelter, for there are dangers in the dark…”

(It shows the monkeys climbing the cliff face, babies clinging on to them.)

Voiceover Guy: “They climb and climb, the higher the better. But the cliffs are dangerous, and it’s not unknown for a monkey to fall…”

(It is still showing the monkeys climbing the cliff face, looking very stable in their climbing ability. A shadow that was clearly added in after is creeping up on them.)

Mum: “By, ‘It’s not unknown,’ he means, ‘rarely happens.’”

Voiceover Guy: “They have gone high enough. Now they’ll look for shelter. Even the babies are aware of the danger they’re in.”

(Close up on a bright orange puffball looking around in — presumably — its mother’s arms.)

Me: “To be honest, if you grabbed me whilst I was playing on a branch, then legged it up a cliff, I’d be pretty alarmed.”

Voiceover Guy: “They have found shelter. They will be safe from the dangers that lurk in the night…” *cue really, really slow-motion of the sun setting and the moon rising*

Me: *whilst slow-motion is still going* “What are they scared of? Jaguars? Bats?” *can’t think of another nocturnal animal* “Badgers?”

(A slow-motion thunderstorm now is on the screen.)

Mum & Me: “Thunderstorms?”

Voiceover Guy: *moving to a completely different topic* “In Australia…”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Mum: “What about the danger to the monkeys?!”

(It never went back to explain the “dangers of the night” that the monkeys ran away from.)

Six Hours In Hell

, , , , , , | Right | June 16, 2018

(I clean houses for extra money. As I live on the coast, a lot of them are holiday lets, but this is a domestic clean. The “lady” of the house rings me and asks if I can clean her house twice a week.)

Lady: “I reckon it will take about six hours.”

Me: *thinking* “Does she live in Buckingham Palace? An average house takes about two hours to clean.” *saying* “Okay, I will pop round and see you!”

(I get the address and am greeted by two four-wheel drives on the driveway, which already gives me an impression of whom I am dealing with.)

Me: “Hi! I am the cleaner.”

Lady: “Yes. In here.”

(I walk into a kitchen that is an absolute mess and stank of dogs and cigarettes. I smoke, but this makes my eyes water.)

Me: “So, what is it you wanted?”

Lady: “Well, I want somebody here for six hours and I want them to do…” *she takes me round the house and it is obvious she just wants somebody to boss around* “…and I don’t want to be their friend, and I want to be able to sack them when I want.”

Me: “Okay, what days did you want?”

Lady: “Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

Me: “Oh, no! I am booked up on those days.”

(I got out quick. I still drive past that house and wonder if she ever did get a cleaner that would spend six hours in that smell and would be sacked at whim. And it still makes me chuckle.)


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