This Coincidence Has Been Burning For 23 Years

, , , , | Right | August 29, 2019

(I work in the reception of a holiday campsite where families can rent a caravan by the sea for a few days. A woman comes marching in.)

Woman: “Your cleaners didn’t do the oven out properly after the last person left!”

Me: “Sorry about that. Would you like me to get someone to do it out again?”

Woman: *ignoring me whilst pulling out a piece of cloth from her bag* “Look at this leg of lamb! It’s covered in black filth!”

(I undo the cloth to find a rather charred piece of meat.)

Me: “Are you sure you didn’t just burn it?”

Woman: “OF COURSE I DIDN’T BURN IT! I’VE WORKED AS HEAD CHEF IN [POSH HOTEL] FOR 25 YEARS! I KNOW HOW TO COOK MEAT!”

Me: “Well, I’m no expert, but I’d call this burnt.”

(The head chef from the onsite restaurant comes in to see someone.)

Woman: “IT’S NOT BURNT! ITS FILTH FROM YOUR UNCLEAN OVEN!”

Chef: “Excuse me, but that’s burnt.”

Woman: “I KNOW MEAT! I WORKED IN [POSH HOTEL] KITCHEN FOR 25 YEARS!”

Chef: “Oh, yeah, I remember that hotel. My uncle had to close it down after complaints of food poisoning 23 years ago.”

Woman: “UNQUALIFIED HACK!”

(She grabs her cremated lamb and leaves.)

Woman: “YOU OWE ME A NEW LAMB!”

1 Thumbs
608

So, When A Sentient Consenting Lifeform And A Consenting Sentient Lifeform…

, , , , , | Learning | July 27, 2019

(This is 2008. In year 11, once again, we’re doing a section about relationships and safe sex. I have a fairly outspoken male classmate who is actually really easy to get on with and whom most the teachers like.)

Teacher: “So, when a husband and wife–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be husband and wife?”

Teacher: “Good point. When a man and a woman–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be a man and a woman?”

Teacher: “Er… When a male and a female–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be a male and a female?”

Teacher: “What do you want from me?”

Classmate: “Why can’t it be ‘a man and a man’ or ‘a woman and a woman’ or… ‘a genderless and a genderless.’ Let’s get a bit of inclusivity in here!”

Teacher: “Last year, I had parents complain due to inclusivity.”

Classmate: “Well, that’s stupid.”

Teacher: “I know… So, when a person and a person–“

Classmate: “Why they gotta be people?”

Teacher: “You are not five!”

1 Thumbs
628

Not The Getaway Driver Today

, , , , , | Related | July 25, 2019

(My mum and I are in the car. Further down the road is a parked police car.)

Mum: “Oh, there could be police about. Better watch myself!”

(I look over, confused. She’s doing the speed limit, we both have our seatbelts on, and she’s obeying every road law that I know.)

Mum: *suddenly realising* “Hang on. I’m obeying the law already!”

Me: “I was gonna say…”

(To add, my mum has never been in trouble with the police, and she has never disobeyed driving laws, so why she thought she might be I don’t know.)

1 Thumbs
255

Knows Where You Can Shove That Mozzarella Stick

, , , , , | Working | July 11, 2019

(I’ve just started working in the kitchen of a bingo hall as a food runner, and one of the chefs is eating a mozzarella stick, as it’s quiet. Just as she’s finishing her last mouthful, a senior member of staff comes in.)

Manager: “I hope you paid for that.”

Chef #1: *whilst eating* “Paid for what?”

(The manager turns to the other chef, looking for affirmation.)

Manager: “[Chef #2]?”

Chef #2: “She told me not to say anything.”

(The manager turns to me.)

Manager: “[My Name], remember you’re on probation and I can fire you.”

Me: “I saw nothing. Unless I need it for blackmail.”

Manager: “Okay.”

(He then grabbed a slice of bacon out of the warming tray and started eating it as he left.)

1 Thumbs
401

Feel Good About The Little Things

, , , , , | Related | June 22, 2019

(Mum and I are watching TV. An advert plays that has a CGI slinky.)

Mum: “You know, there are people out there who can do all sorts of things with a slinky.”

Me: *grumpily* “I can’t even successfully push one down the stairs.”

Mum: *with excitement and pride* “I can!”

Me: *laughing at her giddiness* “You sound so proud of yourself.”

Mum: “I am!”

1 Thumbs
275