Righteous Insinuation

| Learning | March 29, 2013

(This story takes place in the late 1990s and I was at a bus stop waiting for my connection from the university. There are other students walking around with pamphlets talking to other students.)

Girl: “I would like to take this time to talk to you about birth control and sexual responsibility.”

Me: “Thanks, but I don’t need to worry about that.”

Girl: “This is very important. You could catch a disease or get a girl pregnant.”

Me: “I understand the danger, but I’ve got it handled.”

Girl: *condescendingly* “And just what do you plan to do to keep accidents from happening?”

Me: “I’m waiting until I get married.”

Girl: *sputters a moment* “Oh…uh. That works too, I guess.”

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It’s A Femme-Fatal Condition

| Working | November 28, 2012

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hi, ma’am, this is [name] with the Heart & Stroke Foundation. Is this a good time?”

Me: “Actually, I’m male.”

Caller: “We’re very sorry to hear that, ma’am. Thank you for your time.” *click*

Me: *facepalm*

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Fighting Hire With Fire

| Working | September 3, 2012

(I work for a nonprofit employment agency and am interviewing interested applicants for a large local manufacturing company.)

Me: “So, tell me about yourself.”

Client: “I’m 62 years old. I could be collecting social security, but I’m not. I want to work, unlike OTHER lazy people my age.”

Me: “Okay, so have you ever convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor, and if so, what was it?”

Client: “Yeah, I was convicted of an OUI a few years ago. Oh, I guess I should also tell you that I was convicted of a CSC [criminal sexual conduct felony] a few years ago, too. I kept trying to get in touch with HER but she won’t get back to me. She keeps ignoring me. She’s a liar! But I’m working with the American Civil Liberties Union to get it off my record, because I’m innocent. I donate a lot of money to the ACLU. Do you donate to the ACLU? You should. They do a lot good of things. But anyway, it might be off my record now. It should be. Well, but I’m still on the sex offender list.

Me: “…”

Client: “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m also suing the city and the county. Nothing has been decided yet, but I’ve got a really good lawyer. It’s because I’m innocent, and they really did me a number. They’re really corrupt!”

(I ask a few more questions, but here’s the grand finale of the interview…)

Client: “Listen, would you like to go out sometime?”

(Needless to say, he wasn’t hired!)

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Don’t Get Yuppity With Me

| Right | April 23, 2012

(I worked in a call center for an organization that helped people pay their light and gas bills based on their income. It’s Fall of 2011.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have an application that says 2009-2010. Can I turn that in?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we’re only accepting ones for this season, so it needs to be one that says 2011-2012. I’ll send you a new one.”

Caller: “All right. I fill that out and mail it in?”

Me: “Yup!”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid, but I’ll do it. By the way, do you say ‘yup’ a lot?”

Me: *joking* “I say variations of yes all the time like ‘yup’, ‘you bet’, ‘of course’, and sometimes, even ‘yuppers’!”

Caller: “Well, [caller’s name] taught English for many years, and ‘yup’ is not correct grammar. It annoys [caller’s name] very much!”

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Canada, America’s Hat, Part 6

| Right | February 2, 2012

(Our company is part of a global organization that holds weekend teaching conferences across North America.)

Caller: “Do you ever have programs in Canada, or just in the States?”

Me: “Our territory covers North America. We have programs in the US, Canada, and Bermuda.”

Caller: “Canada isn’t part of North America.”

Me: “Yes it is. Canada is part of North America.”

Caller: “Typical American attitude! Canada is its OWN country!”

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