I am using a computer in a public library. Another patron, roughly fifty feet away from me, is leaving the building. I am paying no attention to her and am silent, as I’m using the computer. The room is also pretty quiet, until the patron suddenly speaks loudly and angrily, saying, “I’m going to smash some teenagers on the floor here!”

I look up to see if some kids are causing a problem, or if she is harassing kids without cause. There are no kids around her or anywhere else in the room. As I try to figure out who she’s talking about, she catches my eye, glares at me, points at me threateningly, and then walks out of the library. I am 29.

Our clients are never able to spell their breeds correctly, which usually leads to a few funny things. I’ve seen a “S***-A-Poo,” aka Shih-Tzu/Poodle mix, and then there was the “Paptest,” aka Papillion.

I swear on my paycheck these are really written on medical documents at my company.

I work at an outdoor store, where we have a koi pond. You can pay 25¢ for a handful of fish food to feed them. One day while walking past the pond, I hear a man complaining loudly and angrily to his family.

“You know those aren’t even real fish in there! Trout don’t ever get that big! It’s actually an optical illusion. And the stupidest part is people still let their kids pay money to throw food in there. It’s all just a scam! “

I should have thanked him for giving my coworkers and me something to chuckle over all day. Definitely the best conspiracy theory I have heard in a long time.

I used to manage a pizza place. A guy called in the middle of the Super Bowl and ordered 15 pizzas; all of them were half this and half that.

I explained to him that due to the increased volume of business due to the Super Bowl, the added complexity of his order, and the added fact that he was ordering a large number of pizzas, it would probably be at least 45 minutes to an hour before his pizzas were delivered.

He immediately became extremely irate and said he expected them to be there in 30 minutes or less or they would have to be free.

I explained that the 30-minute-or-free guarantee was a promotion that [Entirely Different Chain] ran in the ‘70s and early ‘80s, that we had never honored that promo, and that even if we had, we would not be doing so that night due to the Super Bowl.

He complained that he had a whole Super Bowl party and was depending on our food. When I explained to him that so did many other people, all of whom had ordered before him, he decided this was a good time to start threatening me.

He threatened to come up to the store, shoot me, and then go to my house and do horrible things to my girlfriend.

His mistake, other than making threats, was saying this on our phone line. Due to problems we had had in the past, our calls in this particular store were recorded. Our state was single-party consent.

Since I already had his name, address, and phone number from his order, it was very simple to arrange a “delivery” for him.

His delivery was a couple of sheriff’s deputies to arrest him in front of all of his friends. We never got a call from him again.

This story is part of our Super Bowl roundup!

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I am in a relationship where we live far apart, but my boyfriend is trying to find work to transition to live with me full time. There is a regular customer at my place of work who mentions that he has a fabrication studio. My boyfriend is a welder and carpenter, so I ask if he might need any extra hands.

I introduce them, and my boyfriend works there for about a week, putting in long days. In that time, the studio owner tells him that he likes coming to the store where I work to ogle the girls, belittles my boyfriend every chance he gets, and in the end tells him the quality of his work isn’t up to his standards and never compensates him for his time. My boyfriend takes pictures of his work progress and sends it to some of his old coworkers, and they all agree they are solid pieces.

We realize that what I mistook for friendliness was actually him hitting on me, and that he was trying to use the situation to pull some alpha moves.

So, one day I’m at work, up on a stepladder stocking a drink cooler while it’s slow. There’s no one around, so I let out a fart, and it’s absolutely heinous. A real spicy one. A moment later, who should come around the corner but the guy. He acts as if he is picking out a drink, but stands directly behind me almost face level with my a**. I smirk as he starts to make casual conversation and asks how my boyfriend is doing in a snide way. Then, he coughs a few times, gags, and quickly leaves.

Later, I call my boyfriend and tell him how I avenged his honor, which cheers him up a lot. 

Word of mouth spreads from my boyfriend’s work crew about how that guy does business, and now he has a negative reputation in the local industry. I also tell my other coworkers who were swooning over him what a jerk he is, and they are all cold to him from then on.

It may be a small and juvenile victory, but it’s not every day you get to fart in your nemesis’ face!