Not A Fan

, , , , , | Right | March 28, 2018

A customer walks into my shop carrying a fan I’d sold him the day before. He promptly deposits it onto my counter. When asked, “What is the problem, sir?” he responds, “Doesn’t work.”

So I assemble the fan, putting each of its blades on, hooking up the electrical, and finally taking the battery cover off of the fan to locate the “SET” button. He tells me he did this at his house when it “didn’t work.” In so doing, I notice the plastic shrink they put on included batteries is still on his, thus preventing the necessary contact.

Once I inform him of the problem and proceed to make his fan work in front of him, his response is, “Well, I didn’t like it, anyway. Can I return it?” When asked what he doesn’t like about it, he responds, “Doesn’t work.”

Have you ever felt like you’re in one universe and there are at least a few others who hail from a very different place?

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When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

, , , , | Romantic | March 28, 2018

It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

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This Request Can Kiss The Dust

, , , , , | Working | March 27, 2018

After the events of Hurricane Irma and Jose, my Boy Scout Troop decides to help in a donation effort to make “cleanup buckets” filled with supplies for those there. I’m assigned to get dust masks for the bucket. Bear in mind that the store I go to has the lumber section all the way at the far end, while the paint section is close to the entrance.

After arriving, I have absolutely no idea where the dust masks would be. I go up to an employee, who tells me bulk-packaged dust masks are in the lumber section. I run down there… and nothing. I ask another employee, who says that the masks are by the paint section… where I started. I check there, and nothing again. After a lot more checking and running between the two sections, I finally ask an employee who directs me to neither of the sections, but rather an area near lumber by a non-used checkout line. I find the dust masks there, finally.

The funniest part? Where the dust masks were, they would have been in plain view of the second employee. Thanks to the last employee who helped me find the masks… and thanks to the first two employees for giving me my daily exercise!

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Analogies Stick Around After Dessert

, , , , , , | Related | March 27, 2018

Years ago, when I first started dating my now-husband, we were together with his kids: a five-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son. I don’t know how this conversation got started, but we were discussing relationships boundaries. As far as “looking” went, I said that my philosophy with my significant other was, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you come home for dinner,” meaning that I can’t stop them from “looking,” but it is not something that I am insecure about. I didn’t even think about the kids being there, figuring they wouldn’t understand what I was talking about.


Months later, we were all in the car driving somewhere. While stopped at a light, I noticed a nice-looking guy walking by and started checking him out — not ogling or drooling, just looking — when suddenly from the back seat, his daughter screamed out, “[MY NAME], STOP CHECKING OUT THE MENU!”

I laughed so hard, then. Thirteen years later, I still kid her about it.

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Asparagus Does Not Make A Child Cheerio

, , , , , | Related | March 26, 2018

I was shopping for cereal one day when I noticed something odd further down the row. Approaching it, I discovered that there was a bundle of asparagus that had been shoved behind a box of cereal on the bottom row.

Based on how low it was and the fact that it was obviously hidden, I can only surmise that some kid waited until their mother’s back was turned before ditching a hated vegetable.

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