This Car Ride Is Going South (Park)

, , , , , | TX, USA | Friendly | November 24, 2016

Back in the early 2000s, my mother used to host day trips through our local community college, meant for people in their 60s and above. If there are more than 10 people, she asks me to drive the college’s second van, since I work for the college as well, and have had the safety course. We’re almost to our destination point when we miss our turn off, and are forced to leave the highway to take an underpass. However, at the red light, I get separated from her.

She calls me on my cell phone to give me directions. Unbeknownst to me, my brother has changed my usual ringtone from a generic ring to “Kyle’s Mom is a Big Fat B****” from South Park. The song floods the small van. What’s worse is, because I’m driving, I can’t stop the phone ringing, I can’t pick up, and I can only sit there in horror as the song stops… then picks up again.

I hurriedly stop, grab my phone during the third call to answer my mom, and get safely to our destination. As my group, all elderly women, exits the vehicle, one of them says, “I’m going to pray for you,” and refuses to ride back with me on the trip home. Years later, and I still slap my brother upside the head when I think about it.

All Things Are Not Sound

, , | Canada | Right | November 23, 2016

I work at a seasonal produce market that sells local fruits and vegetables as a cashier and grocery bagger. Today, a man and his wife came through with four bunches of garden carrots that still had the green tops on while I was on bagging duty. The tops of these carrots are usually all over the place, so to get them to fit nicely into our bags, we have to bend the leafy tops over.

The cashier hands me the bunches and I start putting them into the bags as usual. As I’m doing this, I hear a faint sound, which sort of resembles coughing and doesn’t really phase me.

As I go to put the last bunch in the bag, I hear a terrifying and loud screech that completely stuns me and the cashier I was working with. I look up to see the man staring at me very angrily.

It turns out he had a tracheostomy and could not speak whatsoever but was trying to tell me not to bend the carrot tops (hence the faint coughing noises).

The screeching sound was him screaming at me through his tracheostomy for not following his wishes, which he clearly could not get across.

Through all of this, his wife, who could communicate and understand her husband perfectly well, said nothing to indicate I was doing something they did not want.

That screeching sound will haunt my coworker and me forever.

Your Brain Is Cat-atonic

, , | USA | Friendly | November 23, 2016

I have recently fallen ill with a nasty sore throat and fever. What little is left of my voice is raspy and painful to get out, so I’ve taken to conducting my half of conversations via text, even if that person is sitting in the same room.

Suddenly, my cat runs across the keyboard of the laptop I’m using, and she pauses my movie. I want to snap at her to get off the keyboard, but I can’t, so I reach for my phone in annoyance.

It’s then that my feverish brain tells me that I cannot text my cat… because I don’t have her phone number.

Serving Some Karma, Sunny Side Up

, , , , | Perth, WA, Australia | Friendly | November 23, 2016

My step-mother owns chickens and has for a while, as it saves money on the few eggs they eat weekly. At some point she got into the habit of sharing the extra eggs with our neighbour, and they became friendly because of it.

Not too long back my step-sister came down with something, and my father and step-mother had to leave the state, which left me with the task of stopping by their house after work each night and feeding the chickens, as well as other things.

Whenever my step-mother checked in with me, she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t finding eggs. She was certain there were some hidden somewhere in the coop, even though I thought the chickens were maybe stressed from the sudden lack of attention, causing them to not lay.

Upon her return we searched the coop high and low, and found nothing. My step-mother was furious. She had apparently purchased pre-fertilised eggs for her chickens, and marked them with big red crosses. We couldn’t work out what happened, as there weren’t any eggs shells around either.

Later that night I receive a text from her stating that her neighbour had come over to complain that some of her eggs made him sick. It seems that during the day, before I was arriving, the neighbour had been jumping the fence (not taking the side gate, but climbing over the fence) and helping himself to eggs.

She still can’t figure out how he managed to cook a fertilised egg without noticing.

Pumped Up With Assumptions

, | Valparaiso, IN, USA | Romantic | November 22, 2016

I leave my husband at home to watch our son so that I can get some clothes shopping done. When I get done and go to put my items on the counter, a horrible realization hits me as to what an observer might think of my purchases and their intended uses.

What am I buying? Some clothes for my son, a kids book… and a black lace corset and a manual air pump.

The pump is for some car maintenance, I swear! The corset I plead the fifth on.

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