Because of the large age difference between me and my brother, my niece is significantly older than my own son. While normally having a default babysitter is a blessing, it would be better if she didn’t remember my own behaviour as a young twenty-something and wasn’t egged on by her dad seeking revenge for when I was her babysitter.

When my son was a toddler, he had an intolerance for dairy, and therefore wasn’t allowed ice cream. She got him sherbet.

When my son was struggling with his reading, I said he wasn’t allowed to watch Pokémon until he read at least two books on weekends. She got him the Pokémon novel set.

When there was a heatwave, I said my son wasn’t allowed to play outside because he’d already gotten heatstroke twice. She took him to the ice skate rink.

When I had to take back my promise to take them both to the movies because I was stuck working multiple shifts in a row, she took him to watch the latest Marvel movie without me. (And then they both spoiled the whole thing for me.)

When I tried to block naughty websites, my son worked out how to bypass my nanny filter. She blocked the sites for both of us.

I grounded my son because he wasn’t participating in English class. She showed him how to find the “inappropriate” jokes in Shakespeare’s plays. Now he participates too much.

My son is now nearly an adult. He is considering becoming a lawyer. It’s her fault, I’m sure.

I’ve had a particularly bad day at work. With five hours still left to go, I decide to treat myself and use a delivery app to order some food from a popular chain. I order two $1 cheeseburgers and select “no mustard” and “no ketchup” since I feel they use too much, and I have some packets if I end up wanting it.

I place my order and wait impatiently. It takes a while since it’s busy hours for the app, but about forty-five minutes later, I finally get my food. I take a seat and take out my first burger and something feels… off. It feels really light.

I unwrap it and find… no burger, just buns with mustard, onions, and pickles. Angry, I throw it back in the bag and open the app, prepared to go full “Can I talk to your manager?” on whoever made such an idiotic mistake. As I’m combing through the app looking for the “Help” button, I realize who, exactly, made the idiotic mistake.

It was me.

When trying to hit “no mustard” after “no ketchup,” it turns out I hit the “NO MEAT” option just below it and didn’t notice. I call the restaurant, unsure whether to laugh or cry, and ask if there is anything that can be done. I can hear the lady trying not to laugh as she says that since there was no mistake on their part and the food was made how I ordered it, there is nothing they can do.

At least I have my fries.

My work leases a laptop, monitor, and accessories for each employee through a third party. Employees submit a ticket for new equipment when the lease expires. When my current laptop is up for replacement, I don’t bother to submit a ticket for a new one. Unlike my previous laptop, this one is still working perfectly well and it seems like a waste to order a new one, especially in the middle of the global chip shortage.

About six months later, I receive an email advising me that the lease has expired, the laptop is out of warranty, and I must order a new one. No problem. I fill out the ticket and hit submit. A few weeks later, I receive an email with an update on my new laptop. Due to supply issues, any available stock is being used to fulfil orders for new staff and lost, stolen, or damaged equipment.

After not ordering a new laptop because of the global chip shortage and then being told I had to order a new one, my order was cancelled due to the global chip shortage.

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Abuse

While working reception in a veterinary clinic, we had one pet owner who was in to “alternative” medicine for her animals. The only vaccine she would allow was the legally required rabies vaccine. She preferred using (ineffective) essential oils rather than the flea and tick prevention we carried. We would simply make our recommendations for treatment and she would select the ones that fit her holistic healing ideals.

When her elderly cat came in with issues, our doctor suspected kidney failure (common in older cats) and suggested urinalysis and bloodwork which would give us more clarification. While comprehensive lab-work is a bit pricey, it gives invaluable information about an animal’s health. The owner said she would have to consider it and took her ailing kitty home.

We learned later that the owner questioned our doctor’s diagnosis and opted for a second opinion. And where did she go for this “expert opinion”? She scheduled her cat for multiple sessions with a pet psychic.

For a short time, I was a notary/receptionist at a legal document preparation office. More often than not, we were preparing and executing trusts. I’ve met a few unusual people while here. But this couple stands out the most.

We were chatting while the office manager had to reprint a miss-signed page, come to find out that this couple had some very… odd points of view. They were convinced that Hurricane Katrina was so devastating because the Democrats were holding the storm in place with lasers.

Yes, lasers.

Yes, they were serious, because I made the mistake of asking more.