When It Came To Crunch Time, They Lost

, , , , , | Friendly | July 7, 2017

I work on a market stall on a Saturday. My boss is great, a really nice bloke who I have known for years, but he won’t bend over backwards to help just anyone.

The stall is at the top of the street, and it means that cars cannot park there on a Saturday til six pm.

This man drives up in his car — quite a nice car (this is relevant). It is packing up time, but everyone still has a lot to do and there are vans and trucks all over the place. But this man WANTS to come down the street and park!

He doesn’t start well. He is very rude to a teenage boy on the opposite stall. The boy’s dad is a tough Irish man and he goes over to the man and has a quiet word. The man backs off without a murmur!

Then he starts on my boss. He wants my boss to move his van. my boss tells him that he will have to wait as he is in the middle of packing up. He has the flap down at the back of the van; it is quite obvious that it would be highly inconvenient for him to move it on demand.

This takes about five minutes. We are all watching this bloke because he is being such an idiot.

What he does next is extraordinary.

He drives his car through a small gap right next to my boss’s van. It isn’t big enough, and as I said the flap is down. The flap catches on the door of the car. It is made of tougher stuff than the car door, and there is an amazing crunching and tearing of metal as this man’s car door is totalled, but he just keeps going.

There is much clapping and laughing and some jeering, and my boss says “if you could have just waited!’. The man does not respond. He doesn’t look at anyone or say a single word.

Hands down the funniest 10 minutes I have ever had at work.

Being Apart From You Is Murder

, , , , | Romantic | July 3, 2017

My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, and rarely go anywhere apart. Recently, I had to go away on a business trip for a week, and I joke to my husband that the people at the places we normally go to together will think he’s murdered me if they see him by himself. He jokes that I’m his impulse control so who knows what trouble he’ll get into.

The trip goes fine, with my husband telling me the first words out of most people’s mouths when they see him solo throughout the week are indeed “Where’s your wife?” When I get home, however, he confesses that less than an hour after dropping me off at the airport, he dropped a glass trying to toss it behind his back and catch it, something I have warned him away from doing previously, which shattered and cut a long line through his foot. It wound up bleeding profusely while he tried to clean up. He’s actually taken pictures of the aftermath, with the kitchen covered in blood and bloody footprints and broken glass. So, not only did he immediately hurt himself doing something silly as he jokingly predicted, he wound up making the place look like an actual murder scene in the progress. Why is it only our stupid predictions that come true?

The Great Zucchini Heist

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 3, 2017

My grandfather is a landscaper and gardener, so my grandparents have a massive vegetable garden in their backyard. It produces way more food than they actually need. My grandmother has a deal with one of her neighbors, who is an amazing cook and baker as well as a good friend to my grandmother, where she can come over at anytime and take as many vegetables as she wants and she’ll bake my grandparents several loaves of chocolate zucchini bread in return. She is the only person they have this deal with, though my grandmother will sometimes give free vegetables to neighbors who ask for them.

One day her friend comes over for some zucchini because she is having a get together and decides to make some bread for the dessert table, only to discover that the plants are completely barren of fruit. There aren’t even any unripened, not quite ready to pick zucchinis on the plant despite the fact that it’s peak season for them. She asks my grandparents about this, wondering if they’re having a bad year with their plants, but my grandmother shows her a zucchini she just picked the previous day and claims there were dozens more at least.

A week later, someone takes most of the tomatoes and digs up almost all of the carrots, which is discovered because the neighbor came over for a couple of onions for a soup she’s making for a dinner party she’s hosting. After the theft is discovered, her husband, who is a retired, disabled Vietnam vet who doesn’t really do much other than stay at home and entertain friends because his disabilities make it difficult for him to walk or travel, sits outside for two days, watching the garden while my grandparents aren’t home, until he catches the thief.

It turns out another one of the neighbors saw that my grandmother’s friend was going in and out of their garden and just taking vegetables whenever she wanted and decided that meant it was open for anyone to just take whatever they wanted. He was stealing the vegetables and selling them at a local farmer’s market.

When my grandfather confronts him, the guy tells my grandfather that it was his own fault for not telling him that he couldn’t just take all of them for profit. He never asked if it was okay or even indicated that he was doing it in the first place…

He later got arrested after security footage revealed he was the one who was stealing another neighbor’s prized, show-quality lop rabbits from an outdoor hutch and it turned out he was butchering and eating them. He had even cut a lock they had installed to try to prevent the theft. I guess she never told him that he couldn’t just take and eat her pets, either.

An Ankle For A Tooth

, , , , | Related | July 2, 2017

My twelve-year-old brother decides to try doing long-jumps over my kiddie pool. On one jump, he lands wrong, and breaks his ankle.

The following winter, he is coming home from a friend’s house, slips on ice on our front walk, and knocks out his front teeth.

Flash forward about fifteen years. On a winter’s day, he goes out to run an errand, slips on ice, and breaks the SAME ankle. The following winter, he falls into a snow pile, and AGAIN knocks out his front teeth!

After that I couldn’t help teasing him by asking, “Seriously, can’t you find a LESS painful way to relive your childhood?”

Lava-Resistant Briefcase

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 1, 2017

A friend and I have been watching videos of people yelling “Floor is lava!”

We decide to test it ourselves as the cafe we are in is mostly filled with young people. I yell at the top of my lungs.

Many people are sitting down and just lift up their legs. One person puts her feet on the table, and a male employee jumps into a female employee’s arms.

What made us laugh most was a confused business man who looked around and then dropped his briefcase on the floor and stood on it. He lifted a thumb up and continued to drink what I assumed was his coffee.


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