Two Timing In Two Seconds

, | Romantic | October 11, 2012

(My friend’s friend has been trying to get my attention for around four months. I can offer no excuses for myself aside from that I cannot take hints. We are out with friends at a rock club, and our mutual friend had told me at the beginning of the evening that his friend is going to ask me out. Five hours later, though, nothing has happened. It is 3 am and we have left the club, I see him walking up the road so I chase him.)

Me: “Hey! Uh, so… how was your day?”

Him: “It was okay.”

Me: “Anything exciting happen?”

Him: “I had a fry-up.” *thinks for a second* “It was a good fry-up.”

Me: “Uhm…”

Him: “Also, [mutual friend] said that he’d break my legs if I didn’t ask you out.”

Me: “Well. I guess you’d better get on with it then.”

Him: “Do… you want to go out sometime?”

Me: “That’d be great. Yes.”

(I take his arm and we continue up the street.)

Him: “Well, that was easier than I thought.”

(At this point, another of our friends, who is very, very drunk, runs up and grabs my now-boyfriend’s other arm.)

Drunk friend: “Oi! I want an arm! I love you [boyfriend’s name]!”

Him: “Hey, [drunk friend’s name]! Wanna go out sometime?”

Drunk friend: “Yeah man! I love you!”

Him: “See! So much easier than I thought! Who else can I ask?”

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Caught On A Hot Tan Roof

| Right | September 10, 2012

(My friend and I are waiting in line at a night club. A guy in front us presents his ID, but the bouncer isn’t buying it.)

Bouncer: “You can’t use this. It’s not a valid piece of ID.”

Guy: “Why not? It has my information on it.”

Bouncer: “First of all, it’s not government-issued. It looks like an employee ID. Second, do you seriously expect me to believe that this WHITE guy is you?”

(The photo on the ID clearly doesn’t match the guy, who is of Southeast Asian descent and is darker than the person in the photo.)

Guy: “Uhh… I’m a roofer. You gotta believe me, man! That’s me in the photo.”

Bouncer: “It’s almost October and we’re in Canada. That’s one h*** of a roofer’s tan you got there!”

Guy: “****!” *leaves the club*

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Putting The Knee Into A Jerk

| Romantic | August 15, 2012

(I am a girl. I am feisty, outgoing and outspoken, while my girlfriend is shy, soft-spoken and a little timid. I finally convince her to go out with me to a club one night. She’s actually having fun on the dance floor. I step outside for a second to return a call from my sister, and when I come back, I see my girlfriend with a guy who is clearly trying to hit on her and making her nervous.)

Girlfriend: “Um… could you please leave me alone? I’m fine, thank you.”

Guy: “Come on. Let me have one dance, baby.”

Girlfriend: “Please don’t call me that, and I’m with someone. She stepped outside for a moment. She’ll be back any minute now.”

Guy: “Oh, a ladies’ night? Well, your friend should be happy for you. You’ve got a great guy on you.”

(The guy then puts his arm around her and tries to KISS my girlfriend. I’ve had enough and am ready to explode.)

Me: “Get your hands off my girlfriend!”

Guy: “Chill. I was just keeping your friend warm. I’m just trying to get her to have a good time.”

(He’s pressing up on her again, as if to be seductive. But, for what I think could be the first time, I see an angry look on my girlfriend’s face. She knees the guy below the belt and stomps on his foot with her stiletto heel. The guy cries in pain (literally – he’s crying) and walks off without another word.)

Me: “Good for you, but what made you do that?”

Girlfriend: “It was an accident, I swear! He pinched my side really hard and it was just a knee-jerk reaction. So anyway, after tonight, when can we come again?”

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A Tall Story

| Romantic | August 13, 2012

(I am at a nightclub with my boyfriend and his friends. Due to an argument, we spend our time avoiding each other. I am walking aimlessly around the club when I literally run into a very tall stranger.)

Me: *to the tall stranger* “Sorry… whoa, you’re tall!”

(I am myself a 6-ft-tall girl, so it’s not very often that I get to say this. I get stuck talking with the tall stranger, who then turns out to be a friend of one of my classmates from high school. We find this out when said classmate suddenly pops up out of nowhere, greets us both, and then asks how do we know each other.)

Me & Tall Stranger: “We don’t. We just met.”

(After chatting with them for a while, I go to look for my soon-to-be ex, only to find out that he has ditched me in the club and left, meaning that I don’t have a ride home anymore.)

Me: *to my old classmate* “Where did [tall stranger] go?”

Classmate: “He left already.”

Me: *fuming* “D***. Well, give me his number.”

(During our conversation, I find out that the tall stranger lives nearby. I text him, asking if I can crash in his place for the night. After receiving an agreeing, though a bit hesitant reply, I walk over to his place.)

Tall Stranger: “Oh, it’s you. You didn’t put your name on the message, so I had no idea who I just allowed to come over to my place.”

Me: *laughing* “Yet, you still said yes?”

Tall Stranger: *grinning* “Well, I figured it had to be some girl, so….”

(He makes a bed for me in his, and is prepared to sleep on the floor himself. I invite him to share the bed, but he is the perfect gentleman. He makes no moves on me during the night. The next week, I break up with my boyfriend, and although the tall stranger and I did not end up dating until a few years later, today we live together and are engaged. When people ask how we met each other, he likes to joke: ‘Well, she followed me home, so I figured I had to keep her!’)

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A Boys’ Night (Not) Out

| Right | September 15, 2011

(I’m walking into a gay club opening in the city. I hear this exchange between a bouncer and an obviously straight guy standing outside.)

Guy: “So, what kind of club is this, man?”

Bouncer: “Um, you into chicks?”

Guy: “Huh?”

Bouncer: “Are you into women?”

Guy: “Yeah, man. Yeah.”

Bouncer: “This is not the place for you, then.”

Guy: “Oh…OH!” *runs into parking lot*

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