Tipped In Your Favor

| Working | July 15, 2014

(I have been asked to help out at a 21st birthday party at work. It’s my first time on table service, working with another staff member. I keep taking orders and drinks out while she mainly chats to the barman. At the end of the night the birthday girl’s father approaches me.)

Father: “Excuse me. Can you come over here so we can order more drinks?”

Me: “Sure!”

Father: *looking around to see where my coworker is* “Here, take this.” *pushes

a folded up $50 note into my hand* “Put it in your pocket and don’t tell the other waitress how much I gave you. You did most of the work while she did as little as she could and flirted with the barman all night.”

(Later, my coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Did you get a tip? I got $20. Don’t worry if he didn’t give you as much. It was your first night, after all. You did okay…”

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It’s Sickening The Lengths Some Will Go To

| Working | July 14, 2014

(My coworker and I are on a break.)

Me: “I am missing my cousin’s engagement party tonight.”

Coworker: “Why didn’t you put in for the night off?”

Me: “Mum forgot to give me the invite until it was too late.”

Coworker:  “You should have just called in sick. I do it all the time when I have a party to go to.”

(Two days later, I am working with a different coworker.)

Me:  “I thought I was working with [Coworker] tonight?”

Coworker #2: “Didn’t you hear?”

Me:  “About what?”

Coworker #2: “She called in sick last night so she could go to [Boyfriend]’s work party.”

Me: “Um, doesn’t [Boyfriend] work for our security department?”

Coworker #2: “Yes, the party was here as well and with all the bosses in attendance, the idiot was fired on the spot and escorted off the premises.”

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Getting Stick For The Dongle

| Romantic | October 30, 2013

(I am female, and at a party. I work with a computer program that requires a key, or dongle, to operate. It looks something like a USB thumb drive, and at this moment I am wearing it around my neck.)

Friend: “Is that a USB stick?”

(I explain to them that it is a dongle, and not a USB drive.)

Me: “You’re like the ninth person to ask me that. I swear I am going to have sex with the first person to get it right.”

(Just then, my girlfriend arrives.)

Girlfriend: “Are you wearing your dongle?”

(I do a victory fist-pump and our friends crack up. It takes a while to explain to my girlfriend what had happened!)

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Out Of Time And Out Of Lines

| Romantic | March 24, 2013

(It’s kicking out time at the nightclub. A desperate young man  has been making passes at me all night. He comes out with his one final, killer, guaranteed-to-work, chat-up line.)

Desperate Young Man: “Can I come home with you? It won’t take very long.”

(I try to give him a reply, but I laugh too hard.)

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How To Go-Go Gay-Gay

| Romantic | February 11, 2013

(For my 21st birthday, my boyfriend, who hates dancing, agrees to go out with a few friends to a club. The club that I have picked is a known gay club, and my boyfriend is a bit iffy about going. When we get there, we notice that there are three, almost naked male go-go dancers.)

Me: “Wow, I didn’t know that they were going to have go-go dancers here!”

Boyfriend: “Well, they look pretty cut.”

(My boyfriend wanders off to talk to one of the dancers. After a minute or two, he pulls a dollar bill out and tips one of them before wandering back.)

Me: “…Did you just tip him?”

Boyfriend: “Well, to be fair, he is pretty hot.”

Me: “Do I need to worry about losing you to a guy?”

Boyfriend: “If they all looked like them, maybe.”

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