Fairweather Fighters

| Right | September 18, 2015

(Two intoxicated patrons are trying to start a fight, when the owner of the rock club decides to stop them.)

Owner: “All right, break it up you two! There will be no fights in my club. If you want to fight – there’s the door. Take it outside!”

Patron: “But… It’s raining outside, bro!”

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Thick Skinned

| Romantic | August 14, 2015

(I am a lesbian. And even when I’m with my significant other, men still hit on me, because they seem to think I’m kissing a girl for attention or something along those lines. My girlfriend and I are out dancing and waiting for drinks at the bar.)

Guy: “Did it hurt?”

Me: “What, when I had my d*** removed? Yup, that was h***. I had to stretch my interior several times a day to make sure it doesn’t grow closed again. And my interior is d*** skin. Dude, that s*** hurts.”

(He fled.)

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My Father The Hero

| Related | November 9, 2014

(I’m at a comedy club watching a young lady do her routine. She is starting a new joke.)

Comedienne: “My parents have always been supportive of me. They’re proud of me, right?”

Man In Front Row: *yells* “F*** yeah!”

Comedienne: “F*** yeah! Love you, Dad.”

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Tipped To Win

, | Working | October 6, 2014

(I am a somewhat overweight, socially awkward guy. I don’t go clubbing too much because I don’t blend in well, but a lot of my friends club regularly. I am invited one night to accompany them to the most popular local club, where the crowd is mainly made up of popular, preppy college-kids who are unfortunately mostly smug and look down on anyone who isn’t ‘perfect.’ While my friends dance, I wander over to the bar to grab a drink. An attractive young bartender looks at me – the only person patiently waiting who hasn’t yet been served – but instead decides to ask every… single… other person at the bar if they want anything before she even looks at me again.)

Bartender: *hastily* “What do you want?”

Me: “How much would a cheap rum & coke cost me?”

Bartender: “Ugh. I could get you one with bottom-shelf rum with $3.50.”

Me: *trying to be friendly and easy-going* “Okay, I’ll have that. I’m not super picky when I go clubbing.”

(She rolls her eyes, makes me my drink, but doesn’t give it to me. Instead, she goes to the largest group nearby and again checks on them all repeatedly before she returns. She practically throws my drink at me.)

Bartender: *with a smug, sarcastic smile* “Oh, I’m soooo sorry, but I accidentally put in some of the more expensive rum into this. It’ll be $7. But if you can’t afford it, I suppose I could make you another one with the cheap stuff. You look like you probably can’t spend too much the way you’re dressed.”

(I was tight for cash. I only had about an extra $10 bill, some singles and some change with me so I could order a few drinks, but I didn’t want her to ‘win.’)

Me: “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll take that.”

(I hand her the $10 I have, and once again, rather than just giving me my change, she purposely goes to several other people first, making sure to glance at me with a smug look, before she finally gets me my change.)

Bartender: *nasty chuckle* “Here’s $3. I could get you a shot of the cheap stuff if that’s all you got left.”

(I took the money and waved her away. I then noticed that instead of handing me three $1 bills, she had accidentally handed me three $10 bills. Seeing an opportunity, I went back to my group, picked a very attractive female friend, and told her to ‘play along.’ You can imagine the bartender’s surprise when I ordered myself and my very attractive friend two rounds of expensive drinks, while my friend pretended to be enamored by me. After spending about $40 on drinks, I purposely left a spare penny I had for a tip.)

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Breaking Bread With The Night-Shift

, | Working | September 27, 2014

(I work in the kitchen of a café, which is affiliated with the nightclub next door, and there are various doors and hallways that connect cafe, kitchen, and club. The bosses of the café and club are married. As you can imagine, despite them officially being separate businesses, pretty much everything is connected in some way. When I start my morning shift at 6 am, most of the bartenders are still there or getting ready to leave.)

Bartenders: *coming into the kitchen* “Oh, man, it’s so unfair. We’ve been working all night and now you come in here and bake croissants and make everything smell delicious.”

Me: “Well, I just finished this batch. You can have them if you want. There’s also cheese and ham if you want to grill it.”

Bartenders: “Really?! We were just joking…”

(The croissants are ridiculously cheap and the café staff eats for free anyway, so I figure my boss won’t mind.)

Me: “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll just make some new ones for the cafe.”

Bartenders: “This is the best!” *everyone’s happily assembling cheese croissants* “You know, the girl who worked here before would scream at us if we even tried to walk through the kitchen, let alone ask for any food! She said we were all just drunken a**holes trying to steal from [Café Boss].”

Me: “Well, I hope I won’t get in trouble with [Café Boss]. If so I’ll just pay for the croissants this once.”

Bartenders: “Nah, if she gets angry, just send her to us and we’ll explain. [Nightclub Boss] has been thinking of getting us some breakfast now and then, anyway.”

(My boss didn’t mind when I asked her about it, as long as I wrote down what the people from the club ate, for accounting. Now most of the bartenders jokingly call me ‘kitchen mama‘ for feeding them in the morning, and I’ve never had to pay for a drink at the club! Goes to show what being nice can do.)

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