A relative recently passed away. Our fairly large family gathered for the funeral, as well as a lot of family friends, neighbours, ex-colleagues, etc. The deceased was a very well-liked man.

This meant that a lot of people there didn’t know each other.

At the wake, I was sitting at a table with several old friends of the deceased, most of whom hadn’t met a lot of our family before, making small talk. My mother and niece walked by, chatting about how the funeral planning went. My mother did a lot of the work, and she called on my niece at the last minute to help her put together a slide show of photographs to be shown during the service.

Mum: “I’m so glad you could help, [Niece]. Sorry it was so last minute. What were you doing when I called? You sounded busy.”

Niece: “I was in the middle of a murder.”

Mum: “I got you while you were doing a murder? Oh, no. I’m sorry, flower!”

They walked away, continuing their conversation. I looked around the table to see awkward, weirded-out looks on the faces of those with me.

Me: “[Niece] is a detective sergeant. She was doing the murder investigation.”

People At The Table: “Oh!”

Relief all around.

Years ago, my sister-in-law brought her kids round to her mother’s house while I was there visiting. She’s very vocally Christian. At the time, I had a hot water bottle on my back because I suffer from endometriosis. My youngest niece, about nine years old, asked me why I had the bottle.

Me: “I get very painful periods.”

Niece: “Oh, what’s that?”

I simplified it for her.

Me: “Women get periods once a month, and for some, they are very painful.”

Niece: “Oh, okay. I’m sorry you’re in pain.”

Me: “Thank you.”

And off she went into the kitchen to find snacks.

Ten minutes later, her mother came raging into the living room and yelled at me for “corruption”. Her “logic” was:

Sister-In-Law: “Girls don’t need to know anything about sex parts until they are sixteen. You shouldn’t mention anything to do with women’s private parts to a girl who isn’t your own kid. God only gives painful periods to sinners, and I don’t raise sinners.”

Utterly befuddled (and in a lot of pain), I just stared at her, and she left in a snit.

This was many years ago, and she’s currently wondering why both of her now-adult children moved far away from her.

I’m at a game and movie night with my friends, including one couple’s four-year-old who’s decided that The Rug Is Lava. I am sitting on said rug, along with one of my friends, who’s lying down.

Four-Year-Old: “Auntie [Friend], you’re dead in the lava!”

Friend: “Well, it’s toasty here.”

Mom: “Oh, no! Now you have to go tell Uncle [Friend’s Husband] that his wife is dead.”

[Four-Year-Old] walks over to the table where his dad and “uncles” are playing a game, and he must be looking at the wrong guy, because his mom corrects him. I don’t hear or see which person he’s talking to from my angle.

Four: “Your wife is dead!”

Mom: “No, Uncle [Friend’s Husband]!”

Four: “Uncle [Friend’s Husband], your wife is dead in the lava!”

Uncle [Friend’s Husband] played along and was very sad that his wife had died in the lava. Life with four-year-olds, man.

My sister is visiting. She’s a great aunt but not a natural with young children. My toddler has wandered over to her and is babbling in her general direction.

Me: “Excuse me! Your nephew is asking you a question!”

Sister: “How am I supposed to know that?! This little motherf***** here is speaking Wingdings!”

I consider myself significantly middle-aged, so while I am okay with computers, I wouldn’t call myself an expert. My mother, at the age of eighty-one, has decided to get herself a computer tablet so that all of us can start video-calling her and she can see the grandkids — and now great-grandkids!

I have come over to help her set it up, but I am going slow, not just for her benefit but also for mine.

Mother: “Stop explaining it so slowly! I understand!”

Me: “I’m figuring it out as I go, too!”

Mother: “Still, the way you’re telling me how to do it! What do you think I am, a child?”

Me: “No, but do you know one? That would make this a lot easier.”

We video-called my nine-year-old nephew from my phone, and he had his grandmother set up in half the time it would have taken me!