After a family emergency, I’m asked to look after my little nephew. I decide to take him to the seaside to keep him occupied.

He has a great day. We walk the beach and the pier, go on rides, and have lunch. On the way back to the car, we walk past a sweets and ice cream shop.

I agree he can buy something small for later. Unfortunately, he spots a massive peanut butter cookie cake sitting by the till. He’s tired and wants sweets, and he starts to get a little upset when I tell him he needs to pick something else that’s smaller.

Something too big would make him sick, he’s not allowed peanut butter, and we agreed on a LITTLE something.

Cashier: “We have smaller cookies in that style.”

Me: “Actually, what other flavours do you have?”

Nephew: *Getting more upset* “But I wanted that one.”

Me: “Look! They have lots more over here; this one is your favourite.”

Nephew: “I want that one.”

Me: “We’ve been over this; you need to choose another one. Look, they have cookie lollies over here.”

From behind us, this old woman chimes in.

Old Woman: “Oh, just give him the one he wants, for Pete’s sake!”

Me: “Look, this has nothing to do with you. You’re confusing him.”

Old Woman: “Fine, I’ll buy it, then!” *To my nephew* “Can’t have you going without, cutie.”

Me: “Don’t you dare. Mind your own business.”

By this point, my nephew is confused and more upset than he would have been. I order him a few different flavours and cheer him up with a promise of one more ride.

We go outside. 

Me: “How is your cookie?”

Nephew: “Mmm, good!

Me: “I’m sorry you couldn’t have the one you wanted, but you know your mum doesn’t like you having it.”

Nephew: “I know. It just looked so good.”

After several stops to look at stray caterpillars, retie shoelaces, etc., the old woman catches us up.

Old Woman: “Here you are, cutie. I bought this for you.”

She tries to hand him a paper bag, but he hides behind me. I open it up to see a single peanut butter cookie inside.

Me: “Seriously? I’ve told you to mind your own business. He can’t have peanuts. How hard is it for you to mind your own business?!”

Old Woman: “Oh, nonsense. One little cookie won’t hurt.”

Me: “Yes! Yes, it will!”

I thrust the cookie back at her and left in a hurry. She started to shout after me that I was a bad parent, something about allergies being fake, and other nonsense. Thankfully, my nephew seemed to not be as bothered and the rest of the day was salvaged.

I’m getting my four-year-old niece ready for bed to give my sister a break, and she’s very excited to show me her “new” pyjamas.

My sister lives on a small cul de sac that coincidentally has a lot of children of similar ages. For example, there are three other girls in my niece’s nursery class on her street. All the parents get on as well as the kids. To help each other out, when one child outgrows some clothes that are still in good condition, they’ll be offered to other parents that have smaller or younger children. My niece’s new pyjamas came from one of these trades.

Niece: “Look! It’s a unicorn made of stars! [Friend] gave me these.”

Me: “That was nice of her. I hope you said thank you.”

Niece: “Yes.” *Pauses* “[Nephew]’s friends never give him clothes.” *Dramatic sigh* “I guess they just don’t think of him.”

Me: “Do you think maybe it’s because he’s taller than his friends?”

Niece: “Nope. My friends just like me better.”

I am picking up my seven-year-old nephew from school. I ask how his day went since he looks pretty sour, and after a little pressure:

Nephew: “I was reprimanded in music class and told to write to not say swears in the classroom. It’s so unfair!”

Me: “Oh? What did you do?”

Nephew: “I was told to research and present some stuff about my favorite song, things like rhythm and style, and write what it is about, but the teacher got pissed when I sang mine. She didn’t get angry at others!”

I’m puzzled, and sort of not believing what he’s saying, but I figure it’s worth letting him tell the whole story.

Me: “Uh… but what song was it? Do you remember the lyrics?”

Nephew: “It was [Song], and I remember the lyrics! Listen: ‘Australian Aborigines lay down on the ground and, with a roar of fertility, release their c** into the Earth.’”

I freeze, a little startled by the… unusual choice of song, both because the singer it’s from is not the easiest of songwriters to understand, even for adults, because the sound is pretty atypical, and because, well, the lyrics aren’t the most appropriate. I stop close by his home, trying to keep my poker face.

Me: “Do you actually understand what that stanza is saying?”

Nephew: “Yeah! Aboriginal people sometimes lay belly-down on the ground, and then they spray the boys’ seed of life into the Earth.”

Me: “But you know what that seed of life is?”

Nephew: “No… Actually, do you know?”

I pretended to not know, as I wasn’t exactly thrilled by the prospect of explaining ejaculation like that, but I did get to talk with his dad. Apparently, his father — my brother — and his wife had decided to do away with parental control on media as soon as he started grade school… even if it meant having some very awkward talks with teachers about the child’s language and tastes.

I’m looking after my four-year-old nephew for the day. I have recently joined a new bank and have to pop in to sign some paperwork. The bank teller greets me and my nephew.

Teller: “Would you prefer to be addressed as Mr. [Last Name] or [First Name]?”

I’m about to respond when my nephew speaks up with a very serious look on his face.

Nephew: “That’s Uncle [First Name]!”

The teller and I look at each other and try really hard not to laugh.

Teller: “Quite right, sir!”

And that’s why everyone at the bank calls me “Uncle [First Name]”!

My niece is around three.

Me: “I love you, [Niece].”

Niece: “I know. Everyone loves me.”

Me: “Oh? Everyone does?”

Niece: “Uh-huh. Mommy is always telling me she love me, and [Grandmother] does, and my teachers all love me.”

Me: “I understand why they would all love you. You’re smart, kind, and one of the best-behaved kids I’ve ever known. What’s not to love?”

I still smile when I remember her confidence in declaring everyone loved her. I hope she can keep up that self-esteem as she gets older!

This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for April 2021!

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Read the Feel Good roundup for April 2021!