About To Fight On Paper View

| Right | May 10, 2013

(I’m a university student who lives at home, and delivers papers to earn extra cash. I’m delivering them close to a school, which has just finished for the day. A group of boys wander over.)

Boy: “I want a paper.”

Me: “These aren’t for you.”

Boy: “I live there.”

(He points to the house behind me, which I’ve just delivered to.)

Me: “Prove it, then. Take out your key, and open the door.”

Boy: “I don’t have to do that! I’m going out with my mates. I’m not going in yet.”

Me: “So you want to carry a newspaper around with you?”

Boy: “I just want a newspaper. I live there!”

Me: “No, you don’t. I know the people who live there, and they don’t have a son. Besides, I’ve just put a paper in there.”

Boy: “Just give me a f****** newspaper!”

(He goes to take one out himself. I sit myself on the paper trolley to prevent him. He tries to pull me off, and I end up pushing him away.)

Boy: “I can do you for assault for that!”

Me: “Call the police; it’ll save me the trouble. You tried to steal from me; you’ve probably left a nasty mark on my arm, and all this can be seen as harassment. Let’s be honest; who are the police going to believe? Me, a university student with a job, or you, a kid who can’t even pull his own trousers up?”

Boy: “F*** you!”

(His mates are starting to wander over. I realize things could turn nasty, so I take a chance.)

Me: “Looks like I don’t have to call them; here’s the police now.”

(I must have good karma, because sure enough, a police car starts driving down the road. The boys scatter. When the car reaches me, it stops and the window lowers.)

Officer: “Were they bothering you?”

Me: “Yes, but I sent them running.”

Officer: “Really? What did you tell them?”

Me: “That I knew Kung Fu.”

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Daylight Save Me From This Stupidity

| Right | April 21, 2013

(We have a certain time by which all paper carriers should be finished. On weekdays, it’s 6:30 am.)

Customer: “I need to make a complaint about my carrier! She’s late every morning now!”

Me: “I do apologize. Is she delivering after 6:30 in the morning?”

Customer: “Well, no. But ever since daylight savings, it’s light outside when I get may paper!”

Me: “But she isn’t delivering after 6:30?”

Customer: “No, but it’s light outside!”

Me: “But the paper isn’t being delivered later in the morning?”

Customer: “It’s at the same time it always is; it’s just too d*** bright!”

Me: “…well, I’m very sorry to hear that, sir.”

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Nobody Likes Being Seconds Guessed

| Working | April 18, 2013

(I’m a newspaper reporter and am interviewing a new store owner about their business.)

Me: “What lines or quality of clothing do you sell?”

Owner: “We buy seconds from [high end chain] and sell them to women seeking high quality for less money…”

(A few hours after story is published, my boss speaks to me.)

My Boss:  “The owner of the new store came in to complain that you printed that he was selling [high end store] seconds.”

Me: “Yes, that is what he told me. I did not think it was anything bad or damaging.”

My Boss: “Well, don’t worry about it…”

(48 hours later, my boss speaks to me again.)

My Boss: “Our ad sales guy talked to that store owner. The owner told him that within a couple of hours after the story came out, his store was swamped with women wanting to buy the [high end store] seconds. They sold out of merchandise in 12 hours.”

Me: “I don’t suppose the owner will call and apologize for prematurely b****ing?”

My Boss: “Probably not!”

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Time To Sign Up For Delivery By Delorean

| Right | September 21, 2012

(I’m answering the main line at a busy newspaper on a Saturday.)

Me: “[Newspaper], this is [name].”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s dark out.”

Me: “…Okay?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s… what time is it?”

Me: “It’s 10:12 p.m., sir.”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s 10:12 p.m. and I still haven’t gotten my Sunday paper.”

Me: “Sir, it’s 10:12 p.m. on Saturday. We’re still making the Sunday paper.”

Caller: “But I haven’t gotten my Sunday paper!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I understand. That’s because it’s Saturday. Your Sunday paper will be delivered as usual in the morning.”

Caller: “But it hasn’t arrived yet!”

Me: “It’s still Saturday night. The Sunday edition will arrive Sunday morning.”

Caller: “I haven’t gotten… oh, wait. It’s Saturday?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “Oh. Well, then… I’ve been working nights. I’m very confused about things now. I just knew it was dark.”

Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

Caller: “This never happened.”

Me: “Deal.”

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Beating Around The Bush

, , , | Right | December 21, 2009

(I’m working the box office and a woman storms up to the counter, holding a copy of a popular satire newspaper.)

Customer: “Have you seen this?”

Me: “Yeah, I read it all the time.”

Customer: “How can they get away with this?”

(She pushes the newspaper against the glass, and I can see a humorous picture of the President.)

Me: “I think that’s photoshopped.”

Customer: “No, it’s real! This is un-American! To degrade the office of the president by publishing this photo, it’s treasonous!”

Me: “You know it’s a joke, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s a parody newspaper. Nothing in it is actual news.”

Customer: “No, no, no, it was on the newsstand. I paid for this, and they’re defaming the president!”

Me: “It’s also free.”

Customer: *pauses*

Me: “Would you like a ticket?”

Customer: “One for Sicko…”

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